Re: I can't believe I am posting.
Posted: February 9th, 2024, 2:55 pm
Sounds similar to someone I know who was possessed too.EndTimesBeliever wrote: ↑February 5th, 2024, 11:31 am What being possess was like for me
Being possessed and being crazy appears to me to be fairly similar to having Alzheimer’s. My mother is suffering from Alzheimer’s/Dementia and although I don’t live near her and don’t see her often, the few times that I have witnessed her behavior I have felt a strong similarity with what I felt and how I acted. If you have been around people with Alzheimer’s/Dementia you will know that at some points in time they are completely cognizant of their surroundings and what is going on around them; they act like themselves. Sometimes they have no idea who they are and what is going on, but they are calm. Other times, they are certain truly bizarre things are happening and are quite agitated. (For instance, one day my mother insisted on standing outside in the snowy cold for quite some time before my sister could convince her that the house was not on fire and it was safe to come inside.) You just aren’t sure from moment to moment how they will be acting.
In my opinion, I was possessed for two or three days and that when the devil’s left (were successfully cast out) they left behind as much damage to my brain as they possibly could and then I was “crazy.” Although I was possessed, there were times that I was completely normal, but I couldn’t exert enough force to remain in a normal state. During the time that I was possessed, the devil used my own voice to talk to me. I felt as if there was a large “chamber” inside of me that had been activated. This “chamber” had somehow come with me at birth and was full of all the word’s that the devil wanted to say to me, and that I couldn’t do anything to stop the words from coming out, just like you can’t stop the air from coming out of a balloon with a pin-prick hole. You might slow it down here or there with different efforts, but it is coming out.
One of the first things I remember the devil telling me was that I was “25 years late.” He had been expecting me evidently, but I was off schedule, at least in his opinion. (Maybe he just misunderstood God’s timing.) At any rate, he belittled me for my efforts and being late. He also stated that Jesus had been late. I believe that it was in this same “conversation” that he belittled me for needing help. He said something like, “You are weak and insignificant, just like Him. You need help from others, just like He did. He would not have succeeded if Father had not helped Him!” I took that to mean that the devil doesn’t’ think much of the Savior and thinks the Savior should have been able to do things on his own without help from anyone including His Father in Heaven.
I am not sure if I had thought much about Christ needing help before this incidence. I have thought about it a fair amount since. The role He played was so hard, that even as a half-god, He could not accomplish it without help. He needed a lot of help. How much interaction He had with Heavenly Father directly is not given us to know, but we do know that until that moment on the cross when Heavenly Father withdrew His presence, Jesus had never been without that connection to His Father. We know that he received instructions throughout His life that helped Him understand His mission and purpose and helped Him to prepare to fulfill His role. We also know that He had angelic visitations to strengthen Him during His time in Gethsemane. I would imagine that He had multitudes praying for Him and the successful completion of His mission. I expect that since He was the only one capable of fulfilling His mission, many of the people who helped Him to be successful were “below His station,” but He did not turn away their help. I believe that the devil spoke the truth that Jesus did need help to complete His mission; He could not have done it alone. I don’t agree with the devil that it was a bad thing for Him to have needed help; I don’t believe that it proves He was weak and less than He should have been. I don’t believe that we should look down on the Savior for needing and accepting help. I think we should emulate Him. We should be more willing to accept that this life is hard, the missions that we have been given are hard, if not impossible, and we should admit that we need help not only from Heavenly Father, Jesus Chris, and the Holy Ghost, but from our fellow human beings as well. We should not beat ourselves up for needing help. We should have more an attitude of “Even the Savior Himself needed help from others; Am I greater than He?” Also, we should not look down on others for needing help and be more willing to help others along their path. (Of course, there is still some balance and moderation to be found as in all things. You have to do your part and put in your personal effort, but you need to give help to others and receive help from others as well in order to be successful at accomplishing your life’s mission.)
Another thing that is very common to “going crazy” is “delusions of grandeur.” I experienced this a bit before going crazy, as I really thought God was using me to do a great work to prepare for the Second Coming. I believe that it was in this same “conversation” with the devil that I have been discussing that he told me that I am “The Daughter of Eve of the Morning of the First Resurrection.” (This is not a station that I had ever heard or previously. I have never heard any scriptural evidence for such a station. But, at least you can rest easy that I am not vying for the position of “Savior” or “Davidic Servant.” ). It was for my duties in this regard that I was 25 years late. Something to do with pulling out the “pegs” so things would get rolling along towards everything falling completely apart and the Second Coming getting underway. Somehow I was to cause or did cause the transition from the one period of time to the other. I believe further explanation of this will fit better in a different portion of my story.
In another “conversation” with the devil, he told me that he was Heavenly Father. (He actually tried to convince me of this in several different ways in several different “conversations.”) He told me that he was upset with how the world was going, that we are completely failing to come together to create Zion. He told me that he was going to destroy the world, just blow it up, and then reset it, to see if he could get it to finally “work out.” He was lonely and just wanted to have his family back. The idea that came with this was that he didn’t have to go back to square one and wait for billions of people to be born, that he could just blow it up, reshuffle the people giving them new memories and assignments and see if that change made the difference in the outcome. It sounded like he had done this multiple times in the past, but the way it works for at least for us humans, is that we don’t know anything happened.
Another thing that he told me was that it was “my privilege” to be his wife when this life is all over. Even when I thought there was a chance that he was really Heavenly Father, that idea didn’t appeal to me. So, I told him that I didn’t want to be his wife. He then informed me that actually, I already was his wife; that I had come to this earth a million times already to try to earn my escape from him because I hate him so much. He told me that I had tried a million times and failed a million times. He told me that I would be stuck as his wife for eternity; that I would fail again this time to break free.
In another “conversation” when he was pretending to be Heavenly Father, he told me that I was responsible for bringing Satan to earth. That he had been hidden inside of me and not really here on earth up until this time. This “conversation” is a bit more convoluted and hard to grasp than some of the others. At any rate, he was God, but he had had to lie just one time. He had lied to me to get me to wherever I needed to be to get the devil put inside me before I was born and then he had bound up my mouth, nose, ears, etc so there was no way Satan could get out ahead of schedule. I guess this was why I had Satan inside of me at the moment and he could use my voice to talk to me; he had been there my entire life waiting. At any rate, it was all for the best in his opinion that he had lied to me, and didn’t I think that in the end if things work out well that it was OK for him, as God, to have just told one lie? Did he have to cease to be God just over that one little lie to one person?
Satan would talk to me for a bit and then leave me alone for a time to think through things and decide on my response. When he left me alone, I would lean more toward normal for a time while I pondered over the things he had said. As soon as I decided that I saw the way through his lies, he would try another story or tactic. Honestly, it took me a while to work through this one and come to the realization that in the end, one lie is too many for God to tell. My first instinct was I could “take one for the team” if it meant all would work out well in the end; that I could forgive God for one lie that was told just to me. But over a few hours time I did come to the conclusion that if he really had been Heavenly Father and told me a lie that he had fallen and had ceased to be God; that it is impossible to tell such a lie to just one person as the entire act was intended to deception toward the entire human race. (As a side note: my opinion (as someone with experience but not expertise) is that Emily is going through a similar experience. I believe that she was/is possessed. I do believe that she fought and won a great victory, probably many over the years, but that the devil doesn’t give up nor play fair; he just changes the story and the tactics. It will just take time before she can comprehend the flaws, break free, and gain victory over the current assault. I attest to the fact that things seem way more plausible and make way more sense to you when you are under spiritual attack and/or are crazy; the same way that dreams make way more sense when you are having them than after you wake up. My opinion is that it is very hard to determine what is really happening and reality (true) verses what is really happening and false (a lie). But the strange things you are experiencing really are happening to you.)
Yet another “conversation” with the devil was about numbers. If I had written this about 7 years ago rather than waiting to write it now, I probably could have explained it to you, but now I cannot remember how he meant to overpower and confuse me with numbers. I just remember he spouted some number “a bunch of words I had never heard before” and after a bit of thought I spouted back some number “a bunch of words probably similar to what he had used but in a different order” and said something like “You can’t catch me by lying about numbers, I have always been better with numbers than you.” I will find it quite interesting in the next life if I am actually really good with numbers. (My degree is in Math Education and I was often the high grade in my classes, but I still count on my fingers.) I will also be interested to find out if any of the words used in this exchange actually had anything to do with numbers at all. (I expect there is some recording of the event that I can look back on for reference after I am dead. Then again, it might flash by so quickly even though I get to see it, I won’t have time to compute it and make sense out of it then either.)
In another “conversation” Satan told me that I had not actually qualified to come to earth because I was way too _________. I am not really sure what it was but something along the lines of arrogant and prideful I believe. I am not exactly sure how I snuck past God and got here or why he decided to “let me have a go at it” even though I was not qualified to come. But I felt convicted that it was probably true that I was way too whatever the exact word was; that I had felt, at least in part, like I could come to my own rescue and be my own savior and not have to depend on Christ. (I expect that is a common flaw in most of us to one extent or another.)
Another “conversation” revolved around names. He told me some evil sounding/feeling combinations of words was who I am, and another evil sounding/feeling combination of words was my husband, another was my oldest son, another my middle son, and another my daughter. I’m sure it scared me a bit, but I came to the conclusion that if that is who we are and that we really have that many evil tendencies within ourselves, that I could still accept myself and my family, and rely on Jesus Christ to help us change into better people. Not too long after I made that decision, he strung the 5 phrases together into one long name and told me that it was his name. Anyway, I told him not one of those words had even an ounce of good feeling in them, so they could not be the name of God. He then told me that he was God, and that I had committed the unpardonable sin of saying his name out loud (as he had used my voice to say the phrases). I think we are all a bit confused on exactly what is needed to constitute committing the unpardonable sin, but it didn’t make sense to me that it would be “knowing and stating the name of God out loud” especially if it was God Himself telling me the name and using my voice to say it. At any rate, he told me that I had committed the unpardonable sin and had to die in consequence of it.
He told me at least 5 or 6 times that I had to die, right now, this instant. Once he said, “Go tell your children you love them, and then go lie on your bed, because you are going to die.” So, I went and told my two children that were home that I loved them and went and lay down on my bed. He said, “Ok, now you are going to die.” I closed my eyes for a time, but didn’t die. A different time, I was sitting up on the floor, and he said “You have to die.” I fell backward on the ground with my eyes closed, but then opened them right back up. I believe that what I was supposed to learn from this is that Satan doesn’t have the power to end lives, but he wants you to think he does. (Sometimes, I wonder if I did die each time, but just woke up in a slightly different version of reality; my consciousness just shifting to a different me.)
When I didn’t believe stating the name of God out loud would be the unpardonable sin, he told me that praying to Jesus, instead of Heavenly Father, was the unpardonable sin. It is not that I had begun to pray to Jesus (I never said “Dear Jesus,” in place of “Dear Heavenly Father,” but I had started many different prayers during the previous month(s) while looking at a picture of Jesus. I would look at Jesus and ponder and ask for help and forgiveness, and wish for Him to come soon, etc and at some point it would turn to a real prayer instead of just a “wish of the heart” and I would say “In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.” (At one time I had felt that we should say our prayers to the “Godhead” and not to just one member of it, so I did start some prayers “Dear Godhead” which I was also told was very wrong to do. I am inclined to believe that this was more off base than saying a prayer while looking at a picture of Jesus. I do wonder if this is what made me vulnerable to the spiritual attack.)
At any rate, this “conversation” with the devil caused me a lot of mental stress for many months/years. Had I been wrong to be conflating yearning for Jesus while looking at His picture with praying to Heavenly Father? One thought that I considered is “If Jesus is supposed to be in the exact image as His Father, then how could I know if I was looking at a picture of Jesus or a picture of Heavenly Father?” And although I believe that is true, that they look alike, I knew my intent had been to look to Jesus, and looking to Jesus brought me to prayer. I have not come to a solid conclusion on this issue, other than that it is not the unpardonable sin to pray to Jesus. I became very worried for a time about different songs in the Hymn Book that are clearly written to Jesus instead of Heavenly Father. I was quite certain that we needed to rework the Hymn Book and make sure that every hymn is written to Heavenly Father, so that we would not inadvertently sin by praying to Jesus while we are singing our hymns. At one point I had thought maybe this is why we are getting a new hymn book. Now I wonder, “Are we every really going to get a new Hymn Book?”
Related to this issue at one point I asked my daughter to sing hymns with me. I noticed that she sang different words at some places in the songs than I would. At the time I believed that somehow it had been given to her to know the real words (proper words) that should be in the hymn so that it wouldn’t inadvertently teach false doctrine and/or pray to Jesus. I would stop her and ask her what word she had said, because I wanted to remember how the hymns should be changed. She was usually of the opinion that she had just misread the written word. As we were singing, I also became concerned about my pridefulness and perfectionism. I was “told” that I needed to learn to accept that perfection is not possible and that sometimes things are “good enough.” So, as I was singing with her with my eyes closed (or else there was some other reason I couldn’t see) I was trying to follow along with her and do as she did; I was trying to reach a high note with her (she can sing much higher than I can). After trying the same phrase several times, as she was playing the notes on the piano, I eventually asked her, “Is that good enough?” and she said “Yes, that is good enough.” Even though I did not feel like I had done it well or sounded good, I consciously decided to accept her word, that is was good enough. I felt that I had scored a great victory. We stopped singing and I went to my room and lay down for a time; probably in some state of unaware craziness.
I was not just possessed by the devil though, I was possessed by multitudes of evil spirits. At one point, I was told that my bathroom had been sealed off so that nobody else could hear what was going on in the bathroom; soundproofed. My daughter was the only one home at the time, and attests to the fact that she certainly could hear me screaming and yelling and making awful noises as I tried to rid myself of some of these devils. I don’t remember exactly how she worded it, but she said that it scared her, of course, and that when she prayed she felt a strong connection with God and was told a bit of what was happening and that it would all be OK. At least two more times I had a similar experience during the middle of the night, where I was screaming like a banshee and making awful noises. The first night this happened was when my husband discovered something was really wrong with me. I’m sure he was scared and freaked out, but he certainly wasn’t loving, understanding, and helpful. He didn’t seem to believe me that I couldn’t do anything about it. (I don’t recall now if he was just working extra hours or what he was busy with that allowed him to miss a lot of what was happening to me.) At these times in the bathroom, I was also “vomiting” up devils into the garbage can. I went through the motions of “dry heaving” over the garbage can, but I didn’t feel sick to my stomach at all, I just wanted the demons to get out of me and I knew throwing them up was the way. I had some crazy notion that if they came out of me and went into the garbage can that they would be stuck; the garbage can would act like some kind of black hole and keep them trapped. I know that one time I took a garbage sack of evil spirits out to the trash and was certain that the man riding his bike down the road while I place the can at the curb, was one of the Three Nephites. I was certain that he would circle back, once I went inside, and get the demons so that they could be dealt with properly.
One evening, even though I knew I wasn’t guaranteed to act like myself, I went to a church meeting. I think it was a YW planning meeting, or something like that, just the adults. I was able to stay to the meeting and be fairly normal for at least 20-30 minutes. But, I did have to quickly excuse myself and leave early, because I could feel an attack coming on. I was lucky to get home from the church safely. As soon as I got home, I lay down on the cement in the garage and contorted around. I remember commanding the evil spirits to leave. I believe that some of the evil spirits left easier than others; some recognize themselves as evil spirits. Others didn’t leave until I said something like, “I command any and all spirits that believe they are Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, or The Holy Ghost to leave me.”
After experiencing these kinds of convulsions on several occasions and experiencing some strange thoughts about how “the quaking would never stop until Christ came,” I asked my eldest son to give me a Priesthood Blessing and command the evil spirits to leave me. (I asked him instead of my husband, as I didn’t feel that my husband was anything but close minded at the time, so I didn’t think he could give me an effective blessing.) After the blessing, I did not experience anymore convulsions of evil spirits. Although I still had a lot of strange thoughts that I will share with you later, I felt like they were my mind trying to sort things out and work thorough things rather than the devil talking to me. I was/am very thankful that the blessing worked!