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7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Prophet hath commanded, for I know that the Prophet giveth no counsel unto the children of men that may lead them astray.

36 And as they went on their way, they came unto a certain water: and the eunuch said, See, here is water; what doth hinder me to be baptized?
37 And Philip said, thy lack of belief in the President of the Church, and thy tea-drinking habit; for if thou wast not a partaker of these things, then thou wouldst be able to be baptized.
38 And it came to pass that Philip utterly refused to baptize him.

31 Blessed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men; for these are they who shall never be led astray.

17 Limhi was desirous that he might be baptized; and all his people were desirous that they might be baptized also.
18 Therefore, Alma did go forth and interview every one, and went with those who answered correctly into the water and did baptize them; yea, and as many as he did baptize did belong to the corporation of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; and this because of their belief on the words of Alma.

27 Ye have heard that it has been said, Thou shalt not commit sodomy:
28 But I say unto you, that every one who looks upon a man to lust after him isn’t committing sodomy in his heart because there’s a difference between acting out on it and having those feeling and thoughts.

18 But before ye seek for riches, seek to be a full tithe payer in the kingdom of God.
19 And after ye have obtained a temple recommend ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to be holier than your brothers and sisters in the church—to become a stake president, and then mission president, and potentially an area seventy, and maybe a member of the twelve if you’re lucky.

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
6 But let him ask not that which the prophet commands, for that is a dumb question!

Gadianton Slayer wrote: ↑December 23rd, 2022, 10:21 am Satire... or is it?

1 Nephi 3:

7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Prophet hath commanded, for I know that the Prophet giveth no counsel unto the children of men that may lead them astray.

Acts 8:

36 And as they went on their way, they came unto a certain water: and the eunuch said, See, here is water; what doth hinder me to be baptized?
37 And Philip said, thy lack of belief in the President of the Church, and thy tea-drinking habit; for if thou wast not a partaker of these things, then thou wouldst be able to be baptized.
38 And it came to pass that Philip utterly refused to baptize him.

2 Nephi 28:

31 Blessed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men; for these are they who shall never be led astray.

Mosiah 25:

17 Limhi was desirous that he might be baptized; and all his people were desirous that they might be baptized also.
18 Therefore, Alma did go forth and interview every one, and went with those who answered correctly into the water and did baptize them; yea, and as many as he did baptize did belong to the corporation of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; and this because of their belief on the words of Alma.

Matthew 5:

27 Ye have heard that it has been said, Thou shalt not commit sodomy:
28 But I say unto you, that every one who looks upon a man to lust after him isn’t committing sodomy in his heart because there’s a difference between acting out on it and having those feeling and thoughts.

Jacob 2:

18 But before ye seek for riches, seek to be a full tithe payer in the kingdom of God.
19 And after ye have obtained a temple recommend ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to be holier than your brothers and sisters in the church—to become a stake president, and then mission president, and potentially an area seventy, and maybe a member of the twelve if you’re lucky.

James 1:

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
6 But let him ask not that which the prophet commands, for that is a dumb question!

Cruiserdude wrote: ↑December 23rd, 2022, 5:10 pm You gotta be able to admit this is funny. These had me smiling...

RosyPosy wrote: ↑December 23rd, 2022, 6:01 pm Hilarious plot twists! Love em!

Gadianton Slayer wrote: ↑December 23rd, 2022, 10:44 pm

RosyPosy wrote: ↑December 23rd, 2022, 6:01 pm Hilarious plot twists! Love em!

What plot twists? I just copied and pasted straight from my scriptures!

Well, not mine. I got it off my bishop’s desk.