hay art, love opening peoples eyes . . . they even talk about SSA in the posts after the article . . . so enlightening . . enjoy the read
BLAKE FISHER
Blake Fisher works for the BYU Office of Student Success and Inclusion as an Advisor. He also serves on the LGBT working group of the Priesthood and Family Department of the Church.
WHY “ALL-IN” LGBT+/SSA SAINTS ARE SO RELUCTANT TO SPEAK UP
March 22, 2022
As conversations regarding the Church and LGBTQ issues only seem to be getting louder, why are so many faithful LGBTQ/SSA Latter-day Saints choosing to stay quiet?
LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints who are “all-in” (fully committed to Jesus Christ, His Church, and revealed doctrine) are engaging less with public conversations about their experiences, for multiple reasons. This is partly due to exhaustion with patronizing pushback from other LGBT+/SSA individuals and “allies.” The desire for privacy also arises from personal revelation, an increased focus on other aspects of life, and a desire to avoid “story-weaponization” or becoming a “poster person.” With less public visibility, it is important for all-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints to know that they are not alone on their paths and that more people are thriving in the Church than they’ll ever hear about. It’s also important for bystanders to realize that the public conversations and controversies about the Church and LGBT+/SSA issues often do not represent the lived experiences of those finding purpose, meaning, and joy while fully committed to the Gospel and their covenants.
____________________
In my work as an Inclusion Advisor at BYU, I’ve noticed a fascinating trend over the past few years. Latter-day Saints who experience same-sex attraction (SSA), gender dysphoria, or identify as LGBTIA+ who hold more traditional, orthodox, or conservative views on sexuality and gender, have increasingly become reluctant to openly share their stories and beliefs.
In private conversations with me, these individuals will talk about their hard-won testimonies of the divine plan of salvation, the doctrine of eternal marriage, the principles found in the Family Proclamation, and the importance of the covenants they’ve made with God. These members earnestly strive to align their lives with God’s will and prophetic teachings. They’ll tell me how their relationship with Jesus Christ, as well as loving relationships with friends, family, and mentors, have helped them overcome feelings of shame and fear. Though they’ve spent time “on the fence” wrestling with their options, they have ultimately decided to firmly commit to Christ, His commandments, and His Church. To use the term Gary Sabin and Morgan Jones have popularized in our faith community, these people are “all-in.”
In talking about patterns I’m seeing among all-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints, it is not my intention to ignore or criticize the experiences of the people traveling less orthodox paths, or those “on the fence.” There are important things we can learn from all of our LGBT+/SSA siblings, including individuals whose beliefs, goals, and behaviors do not align with church teachings. I’m focusing here on a few observations about one less acknowledged group to whom I have unique access.
I’ve been publicly open for ten years about my own experience as a gay/SSA Latter-day Saint and my testimony of Jesus Christ and His Church, including its teachings on marriage, family, and gender. Every semester I get to interact with hundreds of different people who are navigating their own experiences with same-sex attraction (SSA), gender dysphoria, or who identify as LGBTQIA+. To everyone I’ve met on this journey, I want to thank you for sharing your stories, beliefs, and hearts with me.
Some of the all-in LGBT+/SSA Saints I’ve had the opportunity to connect with are single while others have been married in the temple and have children; it has been inspiring to hear about the meaning and joy they’ve found on their journeys. Yet when I ask them if they’d be willing to share their stories and perspectives publicly or even just with other individuals in similar circumstances, they are becoming quicker to decline. More and more, all-in Saints do not feel comfortable sharing their perspectives publicly, even here at BYU. It’s becoming increasingly challenging to find all-in individuals willing to be on classroom panels, participate in research studies, or even just connect with other people in similar situations.
I’ve noticed the same pattern as I’ve worked with the Church on projects related to sexual orientation and gender identity. I’ve talked to these Saints from all around the world, some as young as 13 and others in their 70s. Even though so many people have come out of the woodwork to share their personal stories with me, when it comes to invitations to share their perspectives with others through focus groups or articles for church publications, I’m receiving more and more polite refusals.
I believe this trend has implications in how we view the LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saint experience generally. When all-in stories aren’t represented in news articles, in academic studies, in podcasts/books, on social media, and even in religious settings, we don’t get a full picture of the diversity within the community. As a result, all-in Saints feel even more alone and withdraw further, which then perpetuates the trend even more—e.g., “No one is going to believe me if I am the only person sharing this perspective. If I’m the only one sticking my neck out, I’ll take all the fire.”
I’m privately hearing from more all-in Saints than ever before, even though I’m seeing their influence in public spaces less.
It is sadly common for all-in BYU students to come into my office and talk about feeling like anomalies, stating that the only LGBT+ voices they hear on campus or online are critical of the school, Church, and doctrine. They express discouragement when public LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saint personalities choose to express beliefs and engage in behaviors inconsistent with revealed truth or doctrine. The more alone these students feel in their commitment to the Church’s teachings, the less they seem to want to share their perspectives openly.
It’s fair to point out the Church itself has sought to highlight all-in voices in its own efforts, but I would say that the most relevant and influential conversations about these topics are not happening on official church channels, but rather on social media, in community organizations, in online newspapers/magazines, and among family and friends. It is in these settings where I think the all-in voices are pulling back.
So, how do all-in LGBT+/SSA students respond when I let them know just how many other students, faculty, and other church members share their experiences, convictions, concerns, and goals? They are slow to believe me. Often they will express a desire to meet other all-in peers but then eventually choose not to when an opportunity arises. In fact, these students are showing up less to BYU LGBT+-related events, and when I talk to them about other campus or community resources, they are grateful for the information but often don’t end up participating. This was not the case even four years ago.
Why all the hesitancy and reluctance?
Some people may assume that we hear less from those who fall in this all-in group because it’s a decreasing population overall—and there are simply fewer all-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints than in the past. This has not been my experience and observation. In fact, I’m privately hearing from more all-in Saints than ever before, even though I’m seeing their influence in public spaces less. Some people also suppose that the only reason all-in individuals aren’t sharing their perspectives is denial, shame, and internalized homophobia/transphobia—factors which likewise cannot explain everything we are seeing.
So what is going on?
Though there are many more complexities than could be outlined in a single article, I’d like to point out seven more common reasons all-in Latter-day Saints may not be speaking up—all of which receive little to no public attention.
1. Personal Revelation
Some all-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints feel spiritually guided not to share their stories and perspectives publicly. To those in this situation, please know that you have my absolute support as you follow the revelation you receive. There could be many reasons God has given you that direction and it’s not my place—or anyone else’s—to question that inspiration.
2. Patronizing Pushback From Other LGBT+ Individuals
Some all-in LGBT+/SSA choose not to share their perspectives because of the messages they hear from other LGBT+/SSA people. If I could consolidate sentiments I sometimes hear from individuals who have chosen less-orthodox paths it would sound something like this:
“Oh, I remember when I was back in that all-in space. I was motivated by fear, shame, internalized homophobia/transphobia, and external expectations … I imagine these people are too. If they’re actually honest with themselves and educate themselves with some ‘unbiased’ research materials, they’ll inevitably come to the same conclusions I did. Life is so much better when you live authentically (the way I am). I’m mad at the Church for forcing them to live that way.”
Not only are these projections notably patronizing, they assume a very linear, universal, and predictable journey—with them, conveniently, at a more enlightened and advanced position on the journey. It’s particularly ironic to hear young people who’ve been “out” for six months make these statements about individuals who have been actively navigating their experiences for much longer. It’s amazing how often LGBT+ people accuse one another of internalized homo/trans-phobia without even knowing one another.
This approach takes a nasty turn when those critical of all-in approaches feel like it is helpful to highlight the mistakes and faults of others. For example, “The people I know in mixed-orientation marriages are ‘all’ miserable and hooking up on the side. One guy I know …” Or “Single, celibate Latter-day Saints all have to look at porn to cope. This one girl …” Hearing reactions like this does not help all-in Saints want to invest in open conversations about their decisions and experiences (nor is it helpful to make similar generalizations about people who aren’t living in alignment with Church teachings).
When I hear from LGBT+ people traveling different paths than I am, I always appreciate it when they respond to my perspective with humility and openness—and refreshing to hear something like the following:
“You’re making different choices than I am, which is fine, though I am worried that you’re not going to find the same happiness that I’ve found on my path. You’ve probably had very different experiences than I have, hence the different decisions … but I assume you have well-considered reasons for making your choices. I’d like to learn more about your journey, not to simply try to convince you to change (or to find fault), but because I’m honestly curious. Maybe we’ll both learn something new and figure out ways to lighten each others’ load.”
3. Patronizing Pushback From “Allies”
More and more, I’m hearing patronizing statements from professors, community members, and even local ecclesiastical leaders who—with an eye-roll—talk dismissively about those who identify as “same-sex attracted” who “naively” think there’s a place for them in the Church and in the Plan of Salvation as currently revealed. All-in LGBT+/SSA members hear these kinds of statements and often choose to keep their distance from this type of “ally”—believing that their allyship won’t extend to someone like them.
I’ve seen this dynamic play out during classroom panels when students who are exploring paths outside of church teachings are met with encouragement, smiles, and “good for you’s,” (all in the name of authentic self-expression and brave authenticity) while the all-in students are met with sad expressions and “are you sure?”
I know all-in LGBT+/SSA BYU students who avoid professors, therapists, mentors, and peers who are outspoken “allies” because, in their experience, these individuals can have a very prescriptive view about the “right way” to navigate LGBT+ experiences in the Church (which with surprising frequency, even at BYU, includes abandoning certain church teachings, principles, or policies). These same allies often talk about single “celibate” LGBT+ Saints and “mixed-orientation” couples with a very discernable tone of pity, judgment, and expected failure. It’s not hard to understand why students who are committed to paths aligned with church teachings are less likely to open up (one-on-one or in class) to allies who openly pity those with these kinds of goals. As a result, some allies are only hearing one particular narrative and only know how to advocate for those peoples whose lives and beliefs fit that one narrative.
After hearing a student is LGBT+, some allies feel comfortable openly criticizing the doctrine, Church, BYU, or leaders, assuming that the student must be on the same page. Sometimes these allies never even consider the fact that an LGBT+ student (or employee) may have favorable views about the doctrine, Church, and BYU. This makes sense when the cultural narrative is full of statements like “all queer individuals are miserable at BYU or the Church”—which hardly lines up with available data (see Figure 5 in a recent BYU report where a clear majority of sexual and gender minority students at BYU feel safe and valued as part of the campus community; see also the peer-reviewed study regarding sexual minorities at fifteen Christian colleges that found “perhaps surprisingly, about half of [their] sample reported no or only mild psychological distress”). Navigating the incorrect assumptions that all sexual and gender minorities are unhappy on religious campuses can be very exhausting and isolating for those whose experience doesn’t match the one-sided narrative.
The term “gaslighting” is used often in conversations surrounding LGBT+ topics and the Church. Interestingly enough, the term is rarely used to describe the efforts of those who try to convince all-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints that they are brainwashed, crazy, extrinsically motivated, in denial, or driven by self-hatred, phobia, or Stockholm syndrome—saying things like: “Have you ever considered that this doctrine could change like race and the priesthood?” or “When you’re older, you’ll realize how important companionship actually is.” or “How can you know that you shouldn’t date the same-sex if you’ve never tried?”
So much of this assumes that all-in Latter-day Saints haven’t thought as deeply about their options as those on different paths. For some, it seems almost impossible to comprehend that an LGBT+/SSA person could be a rational, well-informed, shame-free, and mentally well adult and still freely choose a life fully committed to the Church. Many people essentially believe that if an LGBT+ person is happy in the Church, there must be something wrong with them. All-in individuals quickly recognize allies with this worldview (those who “know better” about their experiences than they do), as well as allies with an infantilizing approach, and often simply choose not to engage.
It’s not surprising to me that all-in members are pulling back from community organizations, group therapies, research projects, public forums, and even Sunday School discussions. As they pull back their perspectives, the narrative that “no one can make an all-in approach work” is reinforced and perpetuated, not because people aren’t living successful all-in lives, but because they’re doing so more and more privately.
4. Busy Doing and Talking About Other Things
While there are all-in individuals who are very consistently engaged in public LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saint conversations and communities, the majority of all-in members I talk with are not. Often they approach the conversations and communities long enough to know they’re not alone, meet a friend or two, and then return back to other interests and goals—including investing in their education, developing their talents, and participating fully in the Church of Jesus Christ.
Many of the all-in students I work with are some of the busiest students I know. Some may insist this is in an attempt to ignore their cognitive dissonance or repress their painful realities (and occasionally this is true), but in my observation, most of the busy all-in students just have a lot of other stuff going on. Once they’ve overcome feelings of shame and feel confident in their chosen direction, the energy they once put toward “figuring things out” is redirected to other pursuits. They often don’t have the time, bandwidth, or desire to wade through the messiness connected with the ongoing public discourse surrounding LGBT+ issues and the Church.
5. “Weaponization” and “Poster-People”
Public stories about all-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints have sometimes been used to critique and condemn those choosing other paths. In a similar way, public stories about LGBT+ individuals choosing lives outside of church teaching have been used to critique and condemn all-in Saints. This process of “weaponizing” LGBT+/SSA stories (in either direction) is trying for those on the receiving end as well as for those whose stories are being used.
In my observation, the public is far more vocal and concerned about the weaponization of all-in stories than they are about the weaponization of alternative stories. Personally, many more people have sent me stories of “failed mixed-orientation marriages” (in an attempt to be helpful) than people who have sent me stories of “successful” mixed-orientation marriages (in an attempt to be helpful). Yet only one of these acts is generally considered weaponization. That might help explain why far more all-in members choose not to share their perspectives publicly, due to a one-sided concern that their experience might be weaponized against those on other paths.
All-in Saints see how much time and energy being a “poster-person” seems to take (firesides, podcasts, online responses to current events, etc.) From the outside, people with this level of scrutiny can seem to have their whole lives consumed with this one topic. Some all-in individuals have concerns about their ability to maintain balance in their life and perspective, especially if their audience expects consistent life updates and public accountability.
There are far more orthodox LGBT+/SSA Saints successfully navigating beautiful lives fully committed to the Church than you’ll ever know.
Also, since a number of former “poster people” in the Church have not remained all-in over time, critics of the Church love to highlight this fact as evidence of the “inevitability of failure.” This becomes yet another way to discourage Saints who want to remain committed long term from sharing their stories publicly if the first response of others is the assumption that their choice is temporary and doomed to fail. As someone who chooses to share my all-in perspective openly, I can attest to just how hard it is to maintain personal and spiritual equilibrium in a public conversation so full of hostility and judgment, especially when it feels as if some people are just waiting for me (and even wanting me) to fail in my commitments.
Some all-in members don’t speak out because doing so almost always requires having to pick a label or term to describe their experience. I’ve talked to many people who don’t want to use labels or acronyms and don’t feel like they fit neatly into any category. Public discussions usually require conversational shortcuts and describing something as personal and complex as sexuality or gender identity takes a lot of time if you don’t want to use any labels. It’s also frustrating to have other people, particularly strangers, use labels to describe you when it’s not a label you chose.
6. Perceived Impact on Dating and Marriage
All-in Saints who are open to temple marriage in this life will sometimes choose not to talk publicly about their LGBT+/SSA experience because they believe that doing so may complicate or limit dating opportunities. Some of these members express a hope to include their future spouse in the decision of how open they’ll be, knowing that their choice will impact the entire family. People who are married sometimes choose not to share their stories because of concerns about how their spouse and children may be affected. I’ve also talked to married all-in LGBT+/SSA individuals who would like to be more open, but their spouses feel otherwise.
(As a side note, it has been a long time since I have encountered an unmarried LGBT+/SSA person pursuing temple marriage who doesn’t believe in the importance of full disclosure before engagement).
7. Concerns of Orthodox Members
Though increasingly less common, I do know some all-in individuals who choose not to share their perspectives because of feedback from certain orthodox members. Specifically, there are still members who believe that any conversations about sexual orientation or gender identity will inevitably lead to problems (over-identification, division, doubt, disobedience, etc.). Some members and leaders still encourage LGBT+/SSA to not talk about “it” at all, and some particularly conservative members continue to view anyone who opens up about this with suspicion. As a result, the very people most well-positioned to help facilitate faith-building conversations on these topics can stay quiet, leaving the public narrative to be guided almost exclusively by critical voices.
Can you see how all this moves the conversation (and people listening in) in only one direction? All-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints are sometimes encouraged by more orthodox members not to share their testimonies and stories that involve mentions of their sexuality or experiences with gender identity. Then, people critical of the Church also don’t want to hear all-in voices because there’s too much talk about obedience and sacrifice.
For this reason, not enough members have seen examples of LGBT+/SSA Saints leading productive, faith-inspiring, conversations about sexual orientation and gender identity to believe that sharing their own experience can also be testimony-building, unifying, and helpful.
The good news, however, is that when we understand the reasons so many faithful LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints are choosing not to share their perspectives openly, we can become better at creating truly inclusive conversations where more individuals know that they’re not alone in their commitment to the Church of Jesus Christ. When all-in LGBT+/SSA Saints share more about the context surrounding their testimony development, not less, I find my own faith and commitment being strengthened.
A Message to All-in LGBT+/SSA Latter-day Saints
To the all-in LGBT+/SSA individuals reading these words, my simple message to you is that you are not alone.
There are far more orthodox LGBT+/SSA Saints successfully navigating beautiful lives fully committed to the Church than you’ll ever know—and ever possibly can know. Even though their stories are disappearing from the public discourse for many reasons, I am so fortunate to get to talk with them every single day. I wish more people had that opportunity.
Regardless, you can trust in the truths taught by prophets and in your own ability to communicate with God. As someone who has found more meaning, joy, and fulfillment in life than I ever thought possible, I promise you there is so much hope, peace, and love available to you.
Your perspectives, choices, and stories are perfectly, and inarguably valid. Whether or not you choose to share your thoughts openly, please know there are many of us who want to know you and learn from you. Whether you are open and public, or just quietly living the gospel, your influence is felt and blesses the whole Church. We need you, your testimony, and your example. I hope our paths cross soon.
To learn more about Blake’s story, please consider watching this fireside from North Star International. You can also check out other stories from faithful Latter-day Saints here at the Voices of Hope project.
The views expressed are the author's own.
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Thank you for your well thought out and presented essay.
It does make sense that those you describe wouldn't want to advertise their status. They faced a difficult challenge in life and found a way through it to stay committed to the gospel.
Life's challenges are not identical, but we all have some. Most people don't identify with their challenges as their identity. Doing so locks people into their struggles as their identity, diverting them from their true identity as children of our Heavenly Father and potential disciples of Jesus.
Once we overcome one challenge through the support of the Spirit and the Atonement, we are transformed into new creatures.
I know of one man who struggled with SSA issues as a youth. He dealt with these and married and faithfully fulfilled callings such as bishop and stake president and now continues in his faith without any issues such as he had 75 years earlier.
But he didn't make his challenge his identity....
We all know one person whose life confirms our biases.
I try not to define myself by my challenges. I'm a guy who dates guys because he is attracted to guys. You would identify me as gay. If I marry a guy, it will just be a marriage. The certificate will be a marriage certificate, not a gay marriage certificate. But I suspect you'll label it a gay marriage. If I'm able to get sealed to that same guy, it will just be a sealing, not a gay sealing.
It seems like you are actually the one identifying people with what you perceive to be their challenge.
So much projection. And so much pride.
May God touch your heart and help you find the humility necessary to find the path back to him.
I really liked this essay because it considers so many of the difficult ways people try to navigate the angst of this conundrum.
As a psychologist, I consider any and all presenting problems and solutions that a client presents in the attempt to move in a direction they feel is best for them no matter the back ground or inclination (within legal standards).
However, for those of the LDS faith who are wanting to follow the Covenant Path, I would point out that during this time of studying the Old Testament together, we have become very aware of the sacrifices made by Abraham, Isaac and Jacob to qualify for the blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant.
During this same time, we are also learning that the Abrahamic Covenant promises a posterity as numerous as the "stars in the sky" or the "sands of the seashore". And we are also learning that the Abrahamic Covenant is the very same as the New and Everlasting Covenant described in Section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants verses 19-24.
I agree that the sacrifice of one's perceived sexual orientation is HUGE, but so is the reward HUGE.
I SO admire those who are choosing to make this sacrifice!
LaVeri, there is no conflict between the Abrahamic covenant and gay relationships/marriages. This is a misperception that ignores ancient scripture and history as well as the last hundred years of reproductive technology development. Because Abraham's marriage made it unlikely for God's covenant to be fulfilled, Abraham modified his marriage arrangement. To be clear, Abraham's was not a marriage between a man and a woman.
The very covenant you claim can't be fulfilled through same-sex relationships actually can be fulfilled using the exact same work around Abraham used. Or using modern reproductive technology. There might be other doctrinal reasons for denying gay members full participation in the Church, but multiplying and replenishing the Earth is not one of them.
Can I suggest some other reasons you might be seeing less students willing to be open about their faith and their sexuality?
Church leaders, namely Oaks and Holland, seem to have made it their calling to root out any support of LGBTQ students at BYU. This is manifest in conference talks as well as BYU devotionals. I'd be hesitant to declare my sexuality publicly after a prophet had singled out a student for doing exactly this while berating BYU faculty for supporting LGBT students.
I can count the number of successful "all-in" members on one hand. On two fingers, in fact (both are at BYU and both have created a brand around being all-in gay members, both are also relatively young, so the jury is still out). On the other hand, I can't count the number of gay members who publicly proclaim to be all-in, but within a few years change their minds. There are high profile examples as well as examples in my local congregation. Knowing that, I'm going to be a little hesitant to take a public stand about how solid my faith is when that appears to be the last thing a person does before going all-out. Yeah, yeah, there are a lot of secret successful all-in members. Right.
BYU has been doing some pretty misleading and hurtful things in the last few years regarding LGBTQ students and staff. It may be that you are finding students who are all-in on their faith, but not all-in on the behavior of a university that should know better. Maybe they don't want you or others to confuse their faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ with respect for a university that seems to lack integrity, empathy, charity, etc., Elder Holland's tears and scars notwithstanding.
The church seems to be bouncing around a little in regards to LGBTQ members. I have hope that this bouncing is an indication of incoming revelation they are struggling to understand and translate into policy. If I were an all-in student, I might have hope in this moment that I can soon be all-in AND be all out. I might be hesitant to draw a line in the sand publicly when I see a windstorm on the horizon. Instead I might keep my head down, pray.
There are many ways to be all-in. Perhaps, Blake, you are defining all-in so narrowly that it's your definition (and BYU's definition) that are reducing the number of students you find who are willing to be spokespersons for "all-in-ness" at the university.
Finally, Blake, I think it's safe to say that if these "all-in" students are unwilling to share their "all-in-ness", it might be because they aren't, in fact, all-in. Consider the audience for their "all-in" declarations: an administrator at BYU who has a lot at stake in presenting an all-in persona, personally and professionally, and a school that will throw them under the bus if they are anything less than all-in. Your informal, anecdotal data might not be too reliable. I wonder if anonymous surveys might provide an answer to your question.
I value Blake’s friendship as well as his example of one wholly committed to Christ. His explications of the seven challenges resonate with me, and track conversations I have also had with many LGBTQ+/SSA friends trying to follow their path of discipleship in the Church.
Especially as members of the Church who see themselves in some manner also within the broad SSA/LGBTQ+ community, we are urged not to tightly embrace identities beyond the preeminent one as children of heavenly parents, at least one rationale being that such identities may divide, rather than unite, us.
In pieces for this site, we have seen desires expressed that vaccination and masks not be allowed to divide us; rather, in addition to our own experiences and viewpoints, that we might be wiling to hear and accept as equally valid the insights of those who are concerned with future health complications or loss of self-direction, as well as the views of those who see divine influence and medical expertise in public health guidance.
In that spirit, I hope that “all in” won’t become a new divider among those who share many experiences, hopes and faith. Nor that some qualification of one’s degree of “all in-ness” should be performed by fellow congregants before deciding if a particular individual merits their inclusion, trust and engagement. In order to address the genuine feelings of not being seen or heard on the part of Saints who profess Christ, His Church and its doctrines, while also seeing themselves within the large orbit of LGBTQ+/SSA, can we also equally engage with those who share some but not all of those experiences and views and who still desire to follow Christ?
Can we simply allow that anyone who seeks to worship Christ with us deserves our willingness to share burdens, mourn and console? Will we expand the reach of our arms, our hearts and minds to imagine that all of those around us are doing the best they can in their circumstances?
I, for one, liked this article and it represents exactly what I have been thinking and feeling. I don’t know what an all-encompassing “conversation” on being gay in the Church looks like. All I know is that I crave connection with like-minded people and I feel like voices like mine have been kind of side-lined in favor of of a more “liberal” (for lack of better words), gay-affirming dialogue. It’s definitely possible to feel alone as a covenant-striving member of the Church. Or even as a politically conservative gay dude. I still feel like I have perspectives to share, but it’s hard to know where to do so…
We have different perspectives, but I agree that there are limited places to share them. I think one difficulty you might have sharing your perspective with other gay Mormons is that your perspective might seem a little limiting. I get a little frustrated with phrases like "covenant-striving" because it assumes there is only one way to be covenant-striving. Covenant-striving to you might look like leading a single, celibate life while for me it might look like dating men with the goal of marriage. While the manifestation of your striving might be such that you can take almost full advantage of Church membership, the manifestation of my striving might be the opposite. In either case, we probably share the same hope for our eternal progression. I'd love a place to talk about perspectives at that level--that don't assume outcomes, eternal or otherwise.
I don’t think there’s only “one way” to be a covenant keeping gay Latter-day Saint. Celibacy, marriage (according to the church’s definition), celibate companionship or group living or several other arrangements are not “one way,” and they certainly haven’t been talked about.
Agency definitely allows us to choose to redefine marriage and change sexual standards. And the existence of same-sex marriage and Pride being celebrated all year round reminds me that there’s LOTS of support for gay marriage and romance. That is the new norm. I’m still waiting for my own representation, and this article is one of them. There are several other more affirming articles, groups, movements and written pieces out there. Whatever still needs to happen there, I feel like celibate gay voices are unheard and in the new “minority.”
You very much covered sooo many of the “reasons” those committed to the gospel don’t share more in the public forum . One thing to also think about is that those all-in’s that came out in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s already fought a valiant battle, we were exposed to a lot of abuse and hate and have found our peace living our lives by study and prayer and chose to spend more and more time sun church callings and involved but in different ways. We are neck deep in the things keeping us and others on the covenant path that we just don’t have - like you mentioned- the time or energy to take on another battle surrounding our sexuality.
I love those that are involved in the public space. My heart breaks when anyone is critical of another persons journey and choices. for those individuals that want to be “all in” and need another all-in person as a sounding board or thinks it would help to talk to someone that has walked the path for decades- and knows at least what it looks like, I am always happy to listen, answer questions and encourage “all-inners“