I believe in the Book of Mormon as a historic book of scripture more now than ever. I believe Joseph Smith was used as an instrument to translate the Book of Mormon more now than ever.
But I've fundamentally changed. I don't believe in institutional claims of leadership in the LDS faith. I sincerely find them to be blasphemous and this is a momentous difference from how I used to view things. And if you believe in those claims, I respect your view without sharing it and wish you the best in life.
I met a reformed prostitute today who went through the temple for the first time in her life a month or so ago. I told her I really respected and valued what she has done in her life that brought her to a situation like that and I showed a lot of sincere admiration as we talked. While on the inside I disagree and take offense to claims of authority from God and gifts of prophecy by the people behind the machine of all "that", I can set all of that aside and admire and respect someone who has put forth a lot of effort to draw closer to God in a way that heals her life and in a way that she finds meaningful.
I've thought a lot over the past few years about the re-thinking of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, authority claims, and Mormon-related history that many members of Restorationist churches are experiencing, particularly in the LDS faith. This affects connections (father and son, best friends, neighbors, mentors and mentees, etc) in a number of ways but can have a uniquely difficult strain on marriage when views change and differences perspectives on touchy matters arise.
So I've wondered a lot where that leaves me and so many others who are single, have a Mormon background, still believe in the Book of Mormon but just sincerely no longer believe in traditional LDS claims. I've reached the conclusion that no matter what, I and many others are just unlikely to ever find love in someone who shares all of our religious views and I need to learn to be okay with that.
I can be okay with that, but that's a hard sell for devout LDS, which is an audience that generally houses women I generally develop feelings for. I wouldn't want to pursue anyone in that house though because I have no deep desire to shatter a happy belief system that they have or potentially cause problems with their family.
There is someone I know in my life who really shows me how real of a challenge this is though. She's devout LDS. I've known her for like a year through work. I always thought she was just a pretty typical, cute LDS girl that I wouldn't have any interest in for a number of reasons (too typical, not enough of a free-thinker, the sort of girl who is looking to marry a future bishop, not my type and I'm not her type, she was anti-mask though)
I eventually realized I actually cared for her quite a bit and I believed there was nothing to do about it and nothing I could do about it and feeling like that is the situation of it all has really made me stew over it, like I'm trying to find some sort of solution. Rather than a woman finding value in my views of monogamous marriage, I'd be viewed as heretical for not co-signing the beauty of celestial plural marriage, it would be a source of contention. Rather than my commitment to the Book of Mormon being sincere and appreciated, the emphasis I place on it while condemning modern-day leadership of people claiming authority from the translator of it would be viewed as "anti-Mormon". Wouldn't I want the approval and affection of someone who finds value in my views rather than wanting it from someone who finds my views evil?
I really yearn to be understood by her but I'm afraid of what she'd think so I just don't know how to act. I saw her for the first time today that I've seen her in a few months. We were in a group and there was discussion going on. I know she'd hate me for my views so I try to keep myself at arms' length around her. I felt it would be best to just not really talk. So I tried to exit the situation without drawing attention to myself and as I walked away she told me it was nice to see me again. My heart broke at her kind effort to communicate and express appreciation and I turned back around and told her it was nice to see her. And I asked her for updates on all the stuff we'd talk about back when we saw each other more regularly.
I know my ship with her has sailed, but I can't deny how much I care about her, despite thinking she believes in a lot of lies. I see too many obstacles for us to ever workout, but I wish I could cut out as many of those obstacles as I could. I live temple standards aside from not paying tithing, but I don't have a temple recommend. She loves the temple. She has a certain one she has always wanted to get married in. I don't want a temple marriage, but if she felt half of what I felt for her and wanted to explore it, I'd get married in the temple for her.
Which brings me to the title of this topic, I want a current temple recommend to try and cut out an obstacle I see between us. I'm most likely going to be paying tithing to get a recommend back. Isn't that sad? Isn't that crazy? I'm engaging in what I see as building up a lie and I'm doing it because I wish I could remove deal-breaker barriers with someone I really care about and find special with no guarantee they like me beyond being a friend.
I've shown the Lord how weak my resolve is in taking a stand for what I deem to be right and worth fighting over. I feel so confused and weak. I don't see any clearly right options. Just choices with shades of grey to pick from.
