Feeling discouraged

[Yahtzee]

This has been coming on for months, probably since the temple changes. I'm not angry or bitter, I still believe the gospel though other aspects of my testimony have been shaken. But I've realized since that experience that I don't "fit in" with the church.
Yes, yes, I know, we're all weirdos and there's all kinds in God's kingdom. And by all accounts I'm a regular TBM that no one would guess felt this way.
But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material. I feel like the rich man who has done a lot of good but knows in his heart that he's not going to sell all his riches.
I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.
I went to my recent stake conference hoping for something to strengthen me, but the temple presidency and seventy only reaffirmed that I'm just not willing to sacrifice enough. I am, ultimately, a slothful and lazy servant. It's a sad realization. But I know enough to know I'm not going to change. I don't want to enough.

I'm mostly wondering if there's others who feel like this?

[Zathura]

This has been coming on for months, probably since the temple changes. I'm not angry or bitter, I still believe the gospel though other aspects of my testimony have been shaken. But I've realized since that experience that I don't "fit in" with the church.
Yes, yes, I know, we're all weirdos and there's all kinds in God's kingdom. And by all accounts I'm a regular TBM that no one would guess felt this way.
But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material. I feel like the rich man who has done a lot of good but knows in his heart that he's not going to sell all his riches.
I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.
I went to my recent stake conference hoping for something to strengthen me, but the temple presidency and seventy only reaffirmed that I'm just not willing to sacrifice enough. I am, ultimately, a slothful and lazy servant. It's a sad realization. But I know enough to know I'm not going to change. I don't want to enough.

I'm mostly wondering if there's others who feel like this?

Let me just tell you, the reason I talk so much about the Doctrine of Christ is because the Baptism of Fire changed my life in every aspect, it influenced my view towards virtually every gospel topic.
I once felt discouraged, but these experiences helped me understand how much we all fall short and that it’s really all about my personal relationship with God, nothing else truly matters much. I don’t get much from church attendance , but it doesn’t bother me at all whereas before it was very difficult for me to go every week.

Maybe you have already experienced these things, but if you have not I can promise you that this is the thing you should seek. Study the Baptism of Fire, the Doctrine if Christ, seek it. If you have experienced this and understand it correctly , then I think you just need to decide to rekindle that flame. It’s not about church attendance and tithing, it’s about daily prayer, it’s about keeping your thoughts clean, apologizing to God for the little things each day. Slowly you become more humble, more sincere . Eventually the Spirit will randomly cause you to pray and you will know what to say, you’ll feel the Spirit enter your life gradually, culminating in great downpourings of the Spirit.

For me at least, life has been a cycle of becoming lazy and discouraged and then returning to my “former state” and I feel reinvigorated for a time before I return again to being slothful. I’m sure God is waiting for me one of these times to step my game up though.

Anyways, that’s just what comes to mind. God bless. Let me know if you want reading material, I’m not interested in throwing reading material out there unless someone is looking for it

[eddie]

The adversary would have you forget who you are. He is a trophy hunter, he wants you because of your amazing potential. Be the unique you and work to overcome negative thinking.

[Robin Hood]

This has been coming on for months, probably since the temple changes. I'm not angry or bitter, I still believe the gospel though other aspects of my testimony have been shaken. But I've realized since that experience that I don't "fit in" with the church.
Yes, yes, I know, we're all weirdos and there's all kinds in God's kingdom. And by all accounts I'm a regular TBM that no one would guess felt this way.
But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material. I feel like the rich man who has done a lot of good but knows in his heart that he's not going to sell all his riches.
I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.
I went to my recent stake conference hoping for something to strengthen me, but the temple presidency and seventy only reaffirmed that I'm just not willing to sacrifice enough. I am, ultimately, a slothful and lazy servant. It's a sad realization. But I know enough to know I'm not going to change. I don't want to enough.

I'm mostly wondering if there's others who feel like this?

Join the club.

[Alaris]

This has been coming on for months, probably since the temple changes. I'm not angry or bitter, I still believe the gospel though other aspects of my testimony have been shaken. But I've realized since that experience that I don't "fit in" with the church.
Yes, yes, I know, we're all weirdos and there's all kinds in God's kingdom. And by all accounts I'm a regular TBM that no one would guess felt this way.
But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material. I feel like the rich man who has done a lot of good but knows in his heart that he's not going to sell all his riches.
I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.
I went to my recent stake conference hoping for something to strengthen me, but the temple presidency and seventy only reaffirmed that I'm just not willing to sacrifice enough. I am, ultimately, a slothful and lazy servant. It's a sad realization. But I know enough to know I'm not going to change. I don't want to enough.

I'm mostly wondering if there's others who feel like this?

You are not alone. The adversary has been on the offense and have made me, my wife, and others feel this way. I've been sick for weeks and can't kick whatever the bleep this is. I also have felt this way - I don't serve enough - I don't give enough. I'm not good enough. But, the Lord doesn't require you to be perfect. He does require you to not give up however. Endure to the end brother. Consider this may be extremely widespread and may be opposition in direct, well, opposition to the restoration that President Nelson says is right around the corner. If there's ever a time for the adversary to pull all stops, it's now.

28 ¶ Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

[Aprhys]

Whoa there. You mean that your like 75% of us. I walked out of fast and testimony meeting today after some lady went on about how bad her life is because people come in at 9 am to buy cookies at her cookie store. I can't handle this nonsense. So I took my severely autistic son for a walk outside. I don't care for the temple either. The problem I have is that so many members believe that you have to fit into a certain mold in order to be a good saint. Nonsense.

[Dave62]

The only answer, the only way out, the only Name; Jesus Christ. Absolutely everthing else beyond that Person is secondary and possibly irrelevant. There is an absolute dark night of the soul in which there is total surrender of the will, of the "ego" to the reality of God through which each disciple must pass. It is unpleasant, it is ugly, it is a purging of the spirit but it must happen. There is opposition in all things otherwise justice would be mocked and short-changed. Not until we are metaphorically naked before God and He has burned out the natural man can He clothe and cover us in His Robe of Righteousness. This this a personal Gethsemane through which each of us must endure without any obvious assistance until the last desperate plea for mercy. Only then will we express to God what we truly feel about Him and He will send in His angels to assist. Only then can He hammer and mold us into the creature He desires us to be. Only then can He drive away the lies and deceit spun by the enemy of our happiness.

So, then what are we to do? Cast aside this stupid and self-destruction world view of messuring yourselves against this false metric of "TBM" What the hell is "TBM" anyway? What rubbish! You go fasten yourselves to the Cross of Christ for He is "The Nail in the Sure Place" as Isaiah says. And while I'm at it...Yatzhee, you said,

"But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material."

Who told you this lie? God did not send you here and shed all of His precious Blood for you to judge yourself. Who are you to stand against the word of God? He has said the you are redeemed through the Blood of the Son. He has said that he already paid the price for your redemption. It is past tense, it is done, it is finished. Ponder deeply the first principle "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" and then praise God for your weaknesses for He will make them strong.

[Original_Intent]

You didn't come to earth to fit in to the church. The church is a means to the end, and it has some important, even vital tools to accomplish your unique mission. Temple attendance CAN be an important tool for you, but checking a weekly, monthly or yearly checkbox of temple attendance isn't required or helpful.

Find your life mission. When you find it, you will find that fulfilling it brings you joy, it is not a chore or an inconvenience. Not saying your mission can't have its difficult aspects, because usually one aspect of the mission is that it causes a change in you, and that can be hard. But finding and fulfilling that mission can change your perspective on a great many things, and even things that you previously did not enjoy will become enticing, exciting opportunities. I'm not saying that everything that you currently feel that you should like will become that way. BUT some of them will become such, and you will realize that FOR YOU those other things are not important (at least at this time). Essentially, don't be so hard on yourself, place whatever you have on the altar. This is not to say to be like Cain and offer whatever you want. Rather, determine what the Lord requires of you, and then step forward into that unique, wonderful, and personal calling that is extended to you.

[Rose Garden]

I think a lot of time there is too much emphasis on what you don't believe or what you aren't doing. This is unfortunate because there's a lot more we can't do than we can as individuals. Maybe focus on what you've got going for you? Focus on what you do believe and what you are doing that's right?

[drtanner]

What a great opportunity you have in front of you. Sometimes the best kept secret in the church is the gospel. Some of us keep it a secret most of our life but why? President Kimball said:

“Just as man does not desire food until he is hungry so he does not desire the salvation of Christ until he knows why he needs Christ.”

Don’t pray, Cry to the Lord as a start.

1 Nephi2:16 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, being exceedingly young, nevertheless being large in stature, and also having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.“

“A saint is a sinner who keeps on TRYING” don’t stop trying. If you havnt yet go talk with your bishop, hold nothing back and tell him how you feel.

[Thinker]

Echoing Robinhood, join the club. I also like how Meili implied the need to focus more on what you’re doing well, not so much on a church’s list of things to do - but focus on God’s. Sometimes that’s the same - but often not.

I’m not sure if it’s living in probably the most fanatic area of Mormonism, or my own eyes opening - or both - but more often than not, I feel like I don’t belong in church. Be encouraged - Christ also felt this way - and more - and overcame.

It helps to put this all in perspective - consider the bigger picture. Yesterday, church involved a shaming lesson which our teens endured with us. I explained that nobody’s perfect - and we all sin, what matters is getting up each time we fall - & they assured me they felt free to talk to me about anything. Later, at home, we watched a film (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D1yaavmjEyc#action=share) based on a true story of how villages in Malawi (Africa) had resources taken and were left to starve in a drought - and how this boy figured out a way to help.

I was so humbled and reminded that there are so many good people who are not and never will be lds. Then one of my kids gave a FHE lesson on his own about the need to help the poor and how he read that if everyone in the world gave 10% to the poor, extreme poverty would be eliminated. Realistically knowing this probably won’t happen, he added that at least, we, can do what we can.

[thestock]

This has been coming on for months, probably since the temple changes. I'm not angry or bitter, I still believe the gospel though other aspects of my testimony have been shaken. But I've realized since that experience that I don't "fit in" with the church.
Yes, yes, I know, we're all weirdos and there's all kinds in God's kingdom. And by all accounts I'm a regular TBM that no one would guess felt this way.
But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material. I feel like the rich man who has done a lot of good but knows in his heart that he's not going to sell all his riches.
I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.
I went to my recent stake conference hoping for something to strengthen me, but the temple presidency and seventy only reaffirmed that I'm just not willing to sacrifice enough. I am, ultimately, a slothful and lazy servant. It's a sad realization. But I know enough to know I'm not going to change. I don't want to enough.

I'm mostly wondering if there's others who feel like this?

I can identify with what you are saying. I may get run off this forum or out of the church (hasnt happened yet) for what I will say.....but that's sort of the whole point....I dont care anymore what anyone else says or thinks about MY PROGRESS in this earthly trial. I believe each person is genuinely doing the very best that they can, including me and you. The culture of the church is strong, and very exclusive (i.e. you are either with us or against mentality)....and that is unhealthy. It isnt right.

I encourage you to find joy in your life. If that means taking a bit of a step off the church pedal and more emphasis on other things like family, leisure, community service etc....then there is nothing wrong with that. You are not required to do XYZ hours of service in the church/temple/quorum/etc per week. Do what you can. If you arent finding joy in a particular service....find a different way to serve. There is no shortage of service opportunities. For instance, I refuse to help clean the church building, but I love to referee and keep score at the EQ basketball tournament.

Good luck.

[John Tavner]

Hey Yahtzee,

Sometimes I find somewhat of a kindred spirit with you. I agree with what Stahura said. Christ is the way, the life, and the truth. There is no other way to eternal life except by Him.

The Doctrine of Christ is real and does change. All of the doctrine is essential, but I have foudn the most essential aspect of the Doctrine people leave out is a broken heart and contrite spirit - or in other words completely submitting ourselves to God. DO NOT listen to other people telling you what YOU are "supposed" to be doing. Follow the Spirit and it will not lead you astray. The church is full of false traditions and cultural norms that often detract from finding the Lord. Start from the beginning. Part of the struggle, if I were to guess, that you are having is that you are a true seeking of the Lord. You truly and trying to find Him, but are not finding it in church. Mostly because most people attending the church are trying to find the Lord and they don't know where to find Him either, because leaders haven't really received the Holy Ghost and don't continually submit. I blame myself in this. At times I have submitted completely and other times I haven't, but when I do, I can tell you the Lord's hand is in my life more than you know.

Additionally when I do submit - I find that hte Lord takes me on paths a little different than the simple obvious ways we view service today. Sometiems I must cry unto Him for a while before I submit - to help me change and to want to change, but make sure it is the change HE wants you to make and not man. Remember this one thing, the gospel is about becoming, not about doing. All those people out there that do, but inside are ravenous wolves DO NOT know the Savior. Only those who become. The gospel is about us changing our natures, it is not about us doing. I promise you if you go to hte Lord with a broken heart and contrite spirit and you begin speaking to Him and receiving revelation directly from Him, you will find you are more at peace. If you haven't received the Gift of the Holy Ghost, ask the Lord for it and keep begging. He will respond as you keep following the SPirit. I usually get nothing from chruch myself. I show up to teach, I show up to talk to random people in the hallway. I show up for the sacrament. I do it for the Lord, not for myself. I too, often get more out in nature than iI do in church or the temple. THere is nothing wrong with that. Moses went to a tall mountain. Enos went into the wilderness to find the Lord (by the way there was a temple during Enos's lifetime). You are not alone. The Lord is calling you to be satisfied in Him and only Him.

As you draw closer and closer to Him (and I"m sure you are already pretty close) He will guide your hand. He is more important than anyone else. I promise as you follow the Spirit and ignore everything else - ask the Lord to help you cast off false traditions and cultures- you will find more peace in your life than ever before and shine forth with the Lord's glory- your eye will be single to Him AND His glory is what changed you and so you share your light with others. Help them to see. We truly are in a blind society. It breaks my heart. You will also begin to see a lot of untruths being taught.

Unbelief is the greatest threat to us in this time and I say that as someone who has chronic unbelief. However, I also know people who have seen God and felt his hands, feet and side and talk to Him often- so it is real, and it can happen to you. Do not doubt, just believe and know that Christ can save you from all you've done and make you perfect in Him. Worthy enough to enter His presence. Of course the flesh is still weak and you may mess up, the Spirit will cleanse you of all unrighteousness.

TLDR: Be comforted in Christ, give Him your discouragement - don't fight it yourself and He will lift you up and you will rejoice in Him as you follow HIm and His Spirit. He is mighty to save and if He has saved me so far, I know you are so much better than what I was, He will do the same to you.

[Arandur]

I’ve felt similarly at times, and I’m confident that more such times will come. Sadly, it’s hard or impossible to simply snap out of it. You probably won’t be able to just change these thought patterns and feelings like it’s nothing. But you can change them. It’s done “line upon line”.

Take the advice so many here have given. Cry unto the Lord. He won’t accept offerings of church attendance statistics, temple attendance, or any other such thing; simply bring a broken heart and a contrite spirit, along with this burden you carry, and you will be received.

Focus less on all the things you think you “should” do. Believe me, there are too many. Find the good things you already have a desire to do, and the specific, personal promptings of the Spirit. Those are the things to emphasize. Keep putting some effort into the rest if they’re good things, according to your strength, but remember they aren’t the priority until the Lord makes them such. The Savior’s yoke is the one to carry. Leave yours in His hands.

I think that your best next step is to simply build your relationship with the Savior. The Doctrine of Christ involves building faith in Christ, which gives you the means to repent and become more like Christ, which further fulfills your covenants and invites a greater measure of the blessings of the Spirit, which in turn purifies you and increases your faith, onward in a cycle of becoming. I could be off, but given your description and my own past experience, I’d bet good money that faith in Christ is where the current bottleneck is; not willingness to repent, and certainly not lack of celestial potential. I’m confident your testimony of Christ is strong, but self-doubt has replaced some of your faith in Christ with respect to His power to help you as you now are. You no longer believe as firmly that you are celestial material in His hands; rather, you half expect to ruin what Christ has in mind for you simply because you don’t have what it takes. Sound familiar? It does to me. It’s a miserable state to live in.

Build that relationship back up to where it was, ignore any thoughts of impatience with yourself, and regain your trust in Christ’s power and/or willingness to transform and redeem you. The growth process will resume almost naturally, as will your joy in the gospel.

[investigator]

This song sums up the answer, and it is not in a church or a religion...

DDB9840D-B867-4354-9D91-9BA228626DB9.jpeg (73.99 KiB) Viewed 498 times

https://youtu.be/CsjZ94K7UQs

[Serragon]

I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.

I don't think you are faking it.

We each commune with the Lord differently. Don't feel upset or discouraged that there are certain methods that do not appeal to you.

I personally love the ceremony, ritual, and symbolism of the temple. I generally don't like the long lecture based meetings. Yet I know people who absolutely love it and feel the Spirit to a great degree. We are each different.

Don't forget that the church is here to support you and your family, not the other way around. Take part regularly in those portions that resonate with you. Take part irregularly in the ones that don't. The latter may be a bit of a sacrifice, but it is important because there are people who do enjoy them and they might need you to participate sometimes for their benefit.

Don't feel badly if you skip sacrament meeting sometimes to go to the mountains. Help make the Church the place you need it to be, and help it be the place others need to be. Just as in a marriage, we sometimes have to sacrifice our will and wants for the benefit of others.

Don't feel guilty for finding that the Spirit resonates with you in a different way than others. Nurture it, while at the same time helping others nurture the way in which the Spirit best speaks to them. The ordinances, truths, and doctrines are what are important, not the delivery mechanism.

[Vision]

This has been coming on for months, probably since the temple changes. I'm not angry or bitter, I still believe the gospel though other aspects of my testimony have been shaken. But I've realized since that experience that I don't "fit in" with the church.
Yes, yes, I know, we're all weirdos and there's all kinds in God's kingdom. And by all accounts I'm a regular TBM that no one would guess felt this way.
But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material. I feel like the rich man who has done a lot of good but knows in his heart that he's not going to sell all his riches.
I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.
I went to my recent stake conference hoping for something to strengthen me, but the temple presidency and seventy only reaffirmed that I'm just not willing to sacrifice enough. I am, ultimately, a slothful and lazy servant. It's a sad realization. But I know enough to know I'm not going to change. I don't want to enough.

I'm mostly wondering if there's others who feel like this?

Congratulations you are now at the point where you can really get a testimony of Christ and truly feel the atonement at work in your life. Focusing on the work portion of the "faith without works" is the mantra of the cultural church and it diminishes the role of the atonement.

[Yahtzee]

Man, I love this forum!
Thank you for your amazing comments and even just commiserations. You have buoyed me up.
Over a decade ago I feel something similar to the Baptism of Fire Stahura mentioned. It was amazing! For 6 months I ate up everything I could about Christ. I was filled with joy and hope and love and it was real.
Then a family member's suicide, a parent lost to cancer, fertility struggles, depression .... actually it's a long list now that I think of it.
Anyway, it destroyed that wonderful feeling. I've had glimpses of it since, but I've never really gotten it back. I feel like the refiners fire shattered me.
I haven't given up in all these years in spite of more difficulties and health challenges. But I feel myself becoming more and more hopeless, forever chasing the carrot of faith just out of reach.

"But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material."

Who told you this lie? God did not send you here and shed all of His precious Blood for you to judge yourself. Who are you to stand against the word of God? He has said the you are redeemed through the Blood of the Son. He has said that he already paid the price for your redemption. It is past tense, it is done, it is finished. Ponder deeply the first principle "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" and then praise God for your weaknesses for He will make them strong.

Yes, I have much to think about. (Not that I haven't been for years.) So I told myself the lie. It probably is a lie. Because ultimately you're right, it's not my place to judge even myself.
I guess it comes back to the rich man analogy. Or maybe Cain, as was mentioned above. If what my church leaders are saying is true and my offering needs to be that of stalking minors to get them to church and spending all my free time in the temple (or at least wanting to) then my offerings will not be enough and will even be offensive.
Seriously though, I massively hate bringing up the gospel with others and I don't have a real Christ like love for many of my fellow man (I'm easily annoyed). If I truly loved the Savior, I would feed His sheep, right? I don't. So how can I expect the highest kingdom?

That's been my reasoning, at any rate. I am willing to admit it is flawed. I think I believe deep down that the atonement doesn't cover the sin of not loving Jesus enough. I'll have ponder that.

[larsenb]

Man, I love this forum!
Thank you for your amazing comments and even just commiserations. You have buoyed me up.
Over a decade ago I feel something similar to the Baptism of Fire Stahura mentioned. It was amazing! For 6 months I ate up everything I could about Christ. I was filled with joy and hope and love and it was real.
Then a family member's suicide, a parent lost to cancer, fertility struggles, depression .... actually it's a long list now that I think of it.
Anyway, it destroyed that wonderful feeling. I've had glimpses of it since, but I've never really gotten it back. I feel like the refiners fire shattered me.
I haven't given up in all these years in spite of more difficulties and health challenges. But I feel myself becoming more and more hopeless, forever chasing the carrot of faith just out of reach.

"But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material."

Who told you this lie? God did not send you here and shed all of His precious Blood for you to judge yourself. Who are you to stand against the word of God? He has said the you are redeemed through the Blood of the Son. He has said that he already paid the price for your redemption. It is past tense, it is done, it is finished. Ponder deeply the first principle "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" and then praise God for your weaknesses for He will make them strong.

Yes, I have much to think about. (Not that I haven't been for years.) So I told myself the lie. It probably is a lie. Because ultimately you're right, it's not my place to judge even myself.
I guess it comes back to the rich man analogy. Or maybe Cain, as was mentioned above. If what my church leaders are saying is true and my offering needs to be that of stalking minors to get them to church and spending all my free time in the temple (or at least wanting to) then my offerings will not be enough and will even be offensive.
Seriously though, I massively hate bringing up the gospel with others and I don't have a real Christ like love for many of my fellow man (I'm easily annoyed). If I truly loved the Savior, I would feed His sheep, right? I don't. So how can I expect the highest kingdom?

That's been my reasoning, at any rate. I am willing to admit it is flawed. I think I believe deep down that the atonement doesn't cover the sin of not loving Jesus enough. I'll have ponder that.

I think that if we have amazing experiences on the one hand, very often, we will have the opposite experiences . . . . as part of our education regarding the opposites of 'good and evil'. We simply have to strive to not be over taken by the evil, faithless end of our experiences. Part of the testing process, I believe.

[Michelle]

Man, I love this forum!
Thank you for your amazing comments and even just commiserations. You have buoyed me up.
Over a decade ago I feel something similar to the Baptism of Fire Stahura mentioned. It was amazing! For 6 months I ate up everything I could about Christ. I was filled with joy and hope and love and it was real.
Then a family member's suicide, a parent lost to cancer, fertility struggles, depression .... actually it's a long list now that I think of it.
Anyway, it destroyed that wonderful feeling. I've had glimpses of it since, but I've never really gotten it back. I feel like the refiners fire shattered me.
I haven't given up in all these years in spite of more difficulties and health challenges. But I feel myself becoming more and more hopeless, forever chasing the carrot of faith just out of reach.

"But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material."

Who told you this lie? God did not send you here and shed all of His precious Blood for you to judge yourself. Who are you to stand against the word of God? He has said the you are redeemed through the Blood of the Son. He has said that he already paid the price for your redemption. It is past tense, it is done, it is finished. Ponder deeply the first principle "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" and then praise God for your weaknesses for He will make them strong.

Yes, I have much to think about. (Not that I haven't been for years.) So I told myself the lie. It probably is a lie. Because ultimately you're right, it's not my place to judge even myself.
I guess it comes back to the rich man analogy. Or maybe Cain, as was mentioned above. If what my church leaders are saying is true and my offering needs to be that of stalking minors to get them to church and spending all my free time in the temple (or at least wanting to) then my offerings will not be enough and will even be offensive.
Seriously though, I massively hate bringing up the gospel with others and I don't have a real Christ like love for many of my fellow man (I'm easily annoyed). If I truly loved the Savior, I would feed His sheep, right? I don't. So how can I expect the highest kingdom?

That's been my reasoning, at any rate. I am willing to admit it is flawed. I think I believe deep down that the atonement doesn't cover the sin of not loving Jesus enough. I'll have ponder that.

Yahtzee, I have always felt like we had a lot in common.

Occasionally, however, you are too hard on yourselves. You think that if your offering is not quite perfect, it is not acceptable. I tell you, however, that if you have done your best, which you usually do, your humble offering, whatever it may be, will be acceptable and pleasing to the Lord.
Instruments in the Hands of God
James E. Faust
Second Counselor in the First Presidency
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/ ... d?lang=eng

Even Jesus Christ rested and took time apart from everyone, even his disciples to pray.

Mark 6:31 And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat.

[Performs miracle of fishes and loaves]

Mark 6:45 And straightway he constrained his disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side before unto Bethsaida, while he sent away the people.

46 And when he had sent them away, he departed into a mountain to pray.

Mark 2:27 And he said unto them, The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath:

Your Heavenly Father would rather you take a rest, regroup, and then continue on the path, than to over exhaust yourself and quit for good.

The trick is not to leave the path while you rest, but to rest on the path until you are ready to start walking again.

Carve out a "staycation" (Leave town if you need to in order for this to happen. Sometimes people just won't leave you alone. Even a hotel in town or a camping trip [my favorite] is enough.) and treat everyday of it like the Sabbath. Not a busy Sabbath. A Sabbath where you rest from the cares of the world and refresh yourself in prayer, scriptures, fasting if you like, walks out in nature and yes: sleep!

If you can't get away, act like you are sick. I don't mean pretend you are sick, just ask yourself: "If I was deathly sick, would I worry about or do this?" Most things can wait a week, or more.

When I was pregnant with my 7th it quickly became apparent that my responsibilities were greater than my ability for a season. I had plenty of naked to clothe and hungry to feed with my 6 kids and a husband, so I called the RS President and let her know I couldn't do visiting teaching at that time. I would let her know when I was ready again.

This was -so- uncomfortable for me because it was outside of my tradition, but it was the right thing to do.

Since then the Lord has blessed me to act more and be acted upon less. Always by his inspiration, but I have found that His priorities for me are not other's priorities for me. I can do all that God asks me to do. I could never do all that other people want me to do.

He has impressed upon my mind over and over again that His ways are not man's ways, and His time is not that of man. Ask Him what He wants you to do, without any preconceived notions of what should be on that list. Let Him fill in the blanks and leave empty what He wants left empty.

"Seasons of life" is not just a trite expression. You wouldn't plant summer squash in snow. You shouldn't work when you need to be resting, anymore than you should rest when you should be working.

Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

Being tired is not a sign of wickedness or a sign that you don't love Jesus enough.

You can love Jesus enough, even in weakness, especially in weakness.

16 ¶ For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

18 ¶ He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

19 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.

I could be judging you wrong, but you don't strike me as a murderer, or thief, or adulterer, or any other kind of evil deed doer. Not to set the bar too low, but I doubt Heavenly Father is judging you quite as hard as you are judging yourself. He has plenty of children who are evil doers, though your sins appear great in your eyes, they may be something of a relief to a parent who has evil doers for children as numerous as the sands of the sea.

I'll quote President Faust one more time:

Occasionally, however, you are too hard on yourselves. You think that if your offering is not quite perfect, it is not acceptable. I tell you, however, that if you have done your best, which you usually do, your humble offering, whatever it may be, will be acceptable and pleasing to the Lord.
Instruments in the Hands of God
James E. Faust
Second Counselor in the First Presidency
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/ ... d?lang=eng

[Zathura]

Man, I love this forum!
Thank you for your amazing comments and even just commiserations. You have buoyed me up.
Over a decade ago I feel something similar to the Baptism of Fire Stahura mentioned. It was amazing! For 6 months I ate up everything I could about Christ. I was filled with joy and hope and love and it was real.
Then a family member's suicide, a parent lost to cancer, fertility struggles, depression .... actually it's a long list now that I think of it.
Anyway, it destroyed that wonderful feeling. I've had glimpses of it since, but I've never really gotten it back. I feel like the refiners fire shattered me.
I haven't given up in all these years in spite of more difficulties and health challenges. But I feel myself becoming more and more hopeless, forever chasing the carrot of faith just out of reach.

I really for for you man(girl?).
Along this path I have had many times where I felt so low and worthless. When I began to turn back to God I've had countless times where it felt like he would pour the Spirit upon me with fire and love like he has in the past, it felt like it was about to happen, I felt warmth all over my body and peace, and then it would subside without consummating. To me, each of these moments was a sign of approval from God that I was on the right path but that my "sacrifice" of time and effort was not yet sufficient. Sometimes I give up after these moments because of the emotion and effort it took , other times it reassures me that I just need to keep chugging along.

If you can just get yourself to give it a week , a week can turn into a month and so on. Eventually God will answer and you'll get that carrot.

[Thinker]

Man, I love this forum!
Thank you for your amazing comments and even just commiserations. You have buoyed me up.
Over a decade ago I feel something similar to the Baptism of Fire Stahura mentioned. It was amazing! For 6 months I ate up everything I could about Christ. I was filled with joy and hope and love and it was real.
Then a family member's suicide, a parent lost to cancer, fertility struggles, depression .... actually it's a long list now that I think of it.
Anyway, it destroyed that wonderful feeling. I've had glimpses of it since, but I've never really gotten it back. I feel like the refiners fire shattered me.
I haven't given up in all these years in spite of more difficulties and health challenges. But I feel myself becoming more and more hopeless, forever chasing the carrot of faith just out of reach...

- -
Yes, I have much to think about. (Not that I haven't been for years.) So I told myself the lie. It probably is a lie. Because ultimately you're right, it's not my place to judge even myself.
I guess it comes back to the rich man analogy. Or maybe Cain, as was mentioned above. If what my church leaders are saying is true and my offering needs to be that of stalking minors to get them to church and spending all my free time in the temple (or at least wanting to) then my offerings will not be enough and will even be offensive.
Seriously though, I massively hate bringing up the gospel with others and I don't have a real Christ like love for many of my fellow man (I'm easily annoyed). If I truly loved the Savior, I would feed His sheep, right? I don't. So how can I expect the highest kingdom?

I’m glad you felt uplifted. Who knows where I’d be without the support I’ve received from online friends.

Spiritual experiences and highs are so awesome - then life happens. Maybe we wouldn’t appreciate them if they weren’t balanced with opposites to see the contrast. I can relate with getting annoyed with others. For most of my life, I was a bit of a chameleon - going along with others (ignoring annoyances of myself and others - “in each of us is a bit of all of us”). Then, like upon line, the layers of veils are peeling off and my eyes are becoming more open. I began to see truth - both good and bad in myself and in others - that was always there, but I hadn’t noticed before. Some call this part of being born again - doing away with old wine bottles for new (gospel=good news). Other descriptions are positive disintegration and shining light on shadow aspects. Few in dogmatic religion or psychology will consider pain or emotional hardship as healthy catalyst to progress. It’s one of those deeper, too often hidden, truths.

I found myself faced with a lot of feelings that had been repressed for years - and I went through some serious questioning and soul-searching - wrestling with God - in a way. And I’m no where close to being done - pretty sure it’s a lifetime process. Messy as this is, it seems that Christ taught of it in many parables - and he went through it - and told us to follow him. Just as we don’t go from kindergarten to college in one step, this is line upon line too. Let’s try to be patient with ourselves. Considering the various lengths of life and how many are cut short - I think God isn’t as concerned with us meeting a particular state or destination, as if we’re headed in the right direction - trying our humanly-imperfect best.

[The Airbender]

This has been coming on for months, probably since the temple changes. I'm not angry or bitter, I still believe the gospel though other aspects of my testimony have been shaken. But I've realized since that experience that I don't "fit in" with the church.
Yes, yes, I know, we're all weirdos and there's all kinds in God's kingdom. And by all accounts I'm a regular TBM that no one would guess felt this way.
But I've been realizing lately I'm not really celestial kingdom material. I feel like the rich man who has done a lot of good but knows in his heart that he's not going to sell all his riches.
I've never really liked the temple, I massively hate missionary work, and I would rather spend my Sundays in the mountains. (There's more, but that's not the point). I've been "faking it till I make it" my whole life and it's not working.
I went to my recent stake conference hoping for something to strengthen me, but the temple presidency and seventy only reaffirmed that I'm just not willing to sacrifice enough. I am, ultimately, a slothful and lazy servant. It's a sad realization. But I know enough to know I'm not going to change. I don't want to enough.

I'm mostly wondering if there's others who feel like this?

Yep. I feel that way a LOT. However, I have found most of my spiritual growth outside of church and LDS culture. Your focus might just be in the wrong place. When I started focusing on the Savior and trying to hear His voice, He started telling me to do things and sacrifice things that I actually felt motivated to do and sacrifice. You won't find salvation from the church and culture, only from Christ.