I am drowning

Dlight · Post by **Dlight** » March 14th, 2019, 2:12 am

How long would the Lord have us bare our crosses? I have suffered immensely in both body, mind and spirit since I was 8 years old. I don't think more than a year had gone by that I haven't wanted to die.

But I am not a victim. I intensely desire to rise above my challenges, and I have sought every good thing to try and fix my mental and physical health issues. Sadly nothing has worked more than to jay take the edge off.

These issues have made it hard to hold down a job, or be a good husband or father. I often have to ask my wife to hold up the whole family, and she has had to work two jobs to keep us afloat. She's so stressed out that it creates a lot of contention which only makes matters much worse. We fight constantly and I know that it stems from my lack of help and our situation.

Because of my issues I struggle to think clearly and I often have made bad or irrational decisions that end up making my situation worse in the long run. We have a lot of debt from school and me trying to get healthy and a few other bad decisions along the way.

I have turned to the Lord and fallen down on my knees asking him to remove this cup. I know I am unworthy, I acknowledge my weaknesses before God at all times. But I need help.

I know that this illness even prevents me from having the energy to serve him properly, I try to put him first and I hope to serve him will all my heart and I would do anything for others but I rarely have the strength to do my own family requirements let alone callings. I love my teaching calling, and have been told I have a gift, but i often call out because of physical pain or personal times of despair.

I know that sin is the root of all unhappiness. I have tried really hard to get the bad things out of my life and only keep the good things in.

This has wreaked havoc on my entire life. I'm nearing a divorce because there is a toxic environment, and have been counseled to do so by many of my family who I trust due to the level of fighting, but the Lord has seemed to tell me that is not his desire. No-one I turn to will help me, but they also tell me that God does not want us to suffer endlessly.

I have actually gone to school for alternative health to try and fix my issues. I have used numerous alternative modalities and diets, but I struggle mightily to discipline myself to these practices. I have found a lot of things that work, but I don't have the time to put it all into place properly without almost completely neglecting my family and taking a sabbatical com my job. I need to heal, but I can't afford to do it.

What is the secret if you lack discipline? I have tried so many self help books and cd programs and reading my scriptures. But I admittedly struggle to be consistent in anything I do, this is the primary issue of my mental disorder, brain fog and fatigue or maybe it's just spiritual weakness.

I will do anything anyone asks me to do at this point. I just want to not lose my family and serve the Lord and hopefully be healthy or at least functional.

It seems everyone's answer to me is too question my motives and my heart and tell me to try harder, that I must not want it that bad. But I promise I have worked extensively on this and I am greatly motivated. I don't want to be the way I am, I hate what I have become. I know the verse about turning weaknesses into strengths but I have not figured out how to get the discipline I need to better manage myself so I can dig myself it of this pit I'm in. I don't know how to see anything more than the legs
Lords Grace keeping my afloat, but the physical and emotional pain is real and a daily thing I battle.

Or the other answer is to turn to the Lord more. I have tried and tried to hear his voice. He has directed me and I have found relief to keep going but I'm just barely clinging to life. I am also told this is not Gods plan either.

I feel like my works are a direct measure of my righteousness, and because of my lack of fruit I feel as though I am judged to be a thing of nought like I am doing something wrong and being a victim and acted upon. How can I stop being this?

My wife and I are both downing in debt and a prison that we admittedly created with some bad decisions and tough circumcised and we are about to lose everything and no one can seem to help us out.

I have a great vision of being healthy and running my own business and helping others. I have several business ideas surrounding my alternative health education, but no way to start them in my current condition.

I have what I feel are modest desires to have a liveable house and the ability to take my family camping or hiking once in a while and serve others in multiple capacities. Maybe I should want less than this. Maybe I should accept my limitations, but that fans like admitting defeat.

I have the desire and the heart, but the lack the financial means and physical ability.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Tbone · Post by **Tbone** » March 14th, 2019, 3:00 am

I don't think accepting your limitations is admitting defeat. It sounds like you have a good heart and good desires, but without knowing any details of your life, maybe you can try simplifying it as much as you possibly can. You have a lot to balance and having an illness only makes it more difficult, so removing anything that's not absolutely necessary may help to start you on a path to some recovery. That might not solve your problems, but maybe it can help you to begin to handle them better. As far as a lack of discipline, if there's someone who you trust that can help hold you accountable, even if it's only for five minutes a day, that might help. Maybe set some achievable goals and reach out to your ministering brothers and ask for their support. You also might try looking up Matt Townsend on YouTube or his programs on BYU radio. You might find some good inspiration there.

I think above all, you need to remember that you are a child of our Heavenly Father and he loves you. He knows your suffering, much more than anyone here does. I think Elder Bednar talked about the enabling power of the atonement and how it isn't just for sinners, but also strengthening saints, of which you are one. You are worthy of and deserve happiness.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » March 14th, 2019, 3:20 am

I believe it is members such as yourself who should be receiving humanitarian aid from the Church instead of the non members world wide whom the Church are giving aid to. Ask and keep asking.

Robin Hood · Post by **Robin Hood** » March 14th, 2019, 3:25 am

One question.
Do you ask God to help you overcome your difficulties?

When we ask God to help us we are, in effect, saying that we're going to do it and we relegate God to a support role; a bit player.
Consider the story of the father who asked his son to remove a large boulder from the yard. It was heavy and awkward. The boy tried with all of his might to move the rock but it was useless. So he recruited help from his friends in the neighbourhood. They all tried to move the boulder; they put in maximum effort, even using ropes and levers. Finally the boy went to his father and admitted defeat.
The father asked his son if he had tried everything. The boy said he had. The father asked him again whether the boy had exhausted all options and he replied that he had, and explained all of his travails. Finally the father said to the boy "are you absolutely sure you tried everything" and the boy rehearsed how he had asked the neighbourhood kids, used ropes and levers etc, but it was useless.
The father said "Son, you didn't try everything; you didn't ask me".

Some of our trials cannot be defeated by us, or by us with a bit part from God. They have to be defeated by God. We just have to be honest with him, tell him that we can't do it and ask him to take it away. Remember, he has promised to defeat our enemies and give us the victory, but we seldom take him at his word. He doesn't lie.

As Eric Liddel (portrayed in the film Chariots of Fire) said, "It's all about surrender".

thestock · Post by **thestock** » March 14th, 2019, 6:25 am

Dlight -

I feel for you. I have felt the same way many times in my own life. I don't know if any of my advice can help, but I feel prompted to respond to your post.

Here are my thoughts:

#1: simplify -

You seem to be inundated at the moment. Between your health issues, researching fixes to your mental problems, church callings and "busy work", and family problems.....you cannot be expected to become effective at helping others until you get yourself right first. I would consider asking the Bishop to release you from your calling so you can focus on getting yourself spiritually and physically healthy at the moment. Rather than obsess over callings, focus on attending church each week with a humble heart ready to take the sacrament. I also found that the Church ARP program was an immensely helpful tool for me and I attended it weekly for months. It is the atonement in action.

#2: Fake it til you make it

I used to hate this phrase. Now these are the words I live by when I feel depression hitting! Why? Because it works. Your thoughts control the way you FEEL. So if you can control your THOUGHTS....you will FEEL better. If you are feeling down, depressed, injured, frustrated etc.....get up each day, put a smile on your face, tell yourself "Today is going to be a great day!" and get out the door and have a productive day. You may FEEL like you are faking it at first....but very soon those controlled positive thoughts will lead you to feel better.

#3: Have a routine

I can't emphasize this enough. With depression it is too easy to give up on the things we like and the daily grind of things we need to do. Dont let it win. Sit down TODAY and write a generic schedule for everyday. It needs to include exercise for at least 30 minutes. If you have been away from exercise for some time....simply start with a 30 minute walk around your neighborhood. Exercise and improved eating choices will lead to your having more energy, more confidence, and your wife will notice you climbing the ladder to improve yourself and she will be more attracted to you and fight less with you. I can't tell you enough how UNATTRACTIVE it is for women to be tied down to a man who doesn't have his s**t together. So get up, own your s**t, and become the leader, lover, and provider of the family that she is desperate for you to be.

#4: Pick one other goal

I dont know your specific issues but if unemployment is one of them, that is where I would start. Getting a job would be the #1 goal after actively working on the first 3 steps. Once the job, or whatever your specific and measurable goal, is achieved, then I would go back to the Bishop and ask for a manageable calling and try to rebuild from there.

Good luck to you. It seems hard and impossible now but with prayer, controlled positive thoughts, and a plan.....you can DO IT.

Original_Intent · Post by **Original_Intent** » March 14th, 2019, 6:59 am

I have not suffered like you have for an extended period of time, but I did suffer much like you have for a period of a few months. I, of course, have no way of knowing your situation, but with me it was due to sleep apnea. It was so hard to get used to sleeping with a CPAP mask on my face and a mouthpiece in my mouth, but I was desperate - I couldn't go on living the way I felt. Now I can't go to sleep WITHOUT the mask and mouthpiece.

I have no idea if this might be your root problem. The symptoms you describe fit what I was going thru, and after a few days of getting proper sleep, it was like waking up from a nightmare. I hope whatever the root issue is, that you find a solution, brother.

Thinker · Post by **Thinker** » March 14th, 2019, 6:59 am

Good advice already - especially in praying, simplifying and establishing a routine. It takes something like a few weeks or more to establish a routine - but once established, it becomes more automatic. Include exercise - especially outside! Write down your routine & adjust as necessary - maybe record how you do each day - always be encouraging & grateful. Look into food allergies/sensitivities - and keep tempting foods out of the house if possible.

I’ll be a little blunt, since you’ve asked for feedback. Know that I (& probably many) have struggled in similar ways. I sense that you’re sabotaging & pittying yourself. Like you realize you’ve fallen short, but are spending your focus and energy more on beating yourself up for it, than picking yourself up and working harder. It may feel momentarily better - but in long run, that strategy holds you back.

A few more things that have helped me:
1) Pray alway - not formally - but build faith that God is on your side and is standing waiting night or day to offer love, guidance & encouragement.

2) Correct cognitive distortions - thoughts affect emotions and more.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/20-cog ... fe-0407154 On our fridge I’m rotating thoughts that correct distorted thinking... like “It’s not all or nothing. Consider possibilities & the big picture but focus on what’s good.” Each night before bed & 1st thing when you get up - take 10 minutes or so to pray and meditate (visualize or read affirmations etc).

3) Heal life traps - coping strategies you learned as a child, which are holding you back...
http://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm

4) “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he” physically not just spiritually. The placebo effect - the power of belief affects us physiologically. Don’t judge harshly but rather compassionately consider mental distortions that may be affecting you physically...
http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/health ... IpP8RZMHv4

nightlight · Post by **nightlight** » March 14th, 2019, 7:12 am

Dlight wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 2:12 am How long would the Lord have us bare our crosses? I have suffered immensely in both body, mind and spirit since I was 8 years old. I don't think more than a year had gone by that I haven't wanted to die.

But I am not a victim. I intensely desire to rise above my challenges, and I have sought every good thing to try and fix my mental and physical health issues. Sadly nothing has worked more than to jay take the edge off.

These issues have made it hard to hold down a job, or be a good husband or father. I often have to ask my wife to hold up the whole family, and she has had to work two jobs to keep us afloat. She's so stressed out that it creates a lot of contention which only makes matters much worse. We fight constantly and I know that it stems from my lack of help and our situation.

Because of my issues I struggle to think clearly and I often have made bad or irrational decisions that end up making my situation worse in the long run. We have a lot of debt from school and me trying to get healthy and a few other bad decisions along the way.

I have turned to the Lord and fallen down on my knees asking him to remove this cup. I know I am unworthy, I acknowledge my weaknesses before God at all times. But I need help.

I know that this illness even prevents me from having the energy to serve him properly, I try to put him first and I hope to serve him will all my heart and I would do anything for others but I rarely have the strength to do my own family requirements let alone callings. I love my teaching calling, and have been told I have a gift, but i often call out because of physical pain or personal times of despair.

I know that sin is the root of all unhappiness. I have tried really hard to get the bad things out of my life and only keep the good things in.

This has wreaked havoc on my entire life. I'm nearing a divorce because there is a toxic environment, and have been counseled to do so by many of my family who I trust due to the level of fighting, but the Lord has seemed to tell me that is not his desire. No-one I turn to will help me, but they also tell me that God does not want us to suffer endlessly.

I have actually gone to school for alternative health to try and fix my issues. I have used numerous alternative modalities and diets, but I struggle mightily to discipline myself to these practices. I have found a lot of things that work, but I don't have the time to put it all into place properly without almost completely neglecting my family and taking a sabbatical com my job. I need to heal, but I can't afford to do it.

What is the secret if you lack discipline? I have tried so many self help books and cd programs and reading my scriptures. But I admittedly struggle to be consistent in anything I do, this is the primary issue of my mental disorder, brain fog and fatigue or maybe it's just spiritual weakness.

I will do anything anyone asks me to do at this point. I just want to not lose my family and serve the Lord and hopefully be healthy or at least functional.

It seems everyone's answer to me is too question my motives and my heart and tell me to try harder, that I must not want it that bad. But I promise I have worked extensively on this and I am greatly motivated. I don't want to be the way I am, I hate what I have become. I know the verse about turning weaknesses into strengths but I have not figured out how to get the discipline I need to better manage myself so I can dig myself it of this pit I'm in. I don't know how to see anything more than the legs
Lords Grace keeping my afloat, but the physical and emotional pain is real and a daily thing I battle.

Or the other answer is to turn to the Lord more. I have tried and tried to hear his voice. He has directed me and I have found relief to keep going but I'm just barely clinging to life. I am also told this is not Gods plan either.

I feel like my works are a direct measure of my righteousness, and because of my lack of fruit I feel as though I am judged to be a thing of nought like I am doing something wrong and being a victim and acted upon. How can I stop being this?

My wife and I are both downing in debt and a prison that we admittedly created with some bad decisions and tough circumcised and we are about to lose everything and no one can seem to help us out.

I have a great vision of being healthy and running my own business and helping others. I have several business ideas surrounding my alternative health education, but no way to start them in my current condition.

I have what I feel are modest desires to have a liveable house and the ability to take my family camping or hiking once in a while and serve others in multiple capacities. Maybe I should want less than this. Maybe I should accept my limitations, but that fans like admitting defeat.

I have the desire and the heart, but the lack the financial means and physical ability.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Buck up bro. You could be sleeping on a dirt floor....or have a sick child.....or a dead wife.
Your post lacks true gratitude for the air you breath. My life has always been hard, I have to tell myself the above also.

The fact you're able to try is God doing His thing....keep doing your thing(trying ) and you'll be straight.

oneClimbs · Post by **oneClimbs** » March 14th, 2019, 7:57 am

Dlight wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 2:12 am How long would the Lord have us bare our crosses? I have suffered immensely in both body, mind and spirit since I was 8 years old. I don't think more than a year had gone by that I haven't wanted to die.

I too was in a deep dark place for years without so much as a discernable peep from God despite my sincere cries for help. I know what it is like to feel forsaken and I know the feeling (or lack of) when you feel the final drop of hope empty from your soul. One day it all changed. Years went by and I often would ask why intervention took so long. In spring of 2016, he answered me with the words, "You're still here." For me, that was all I needed to know.

I wrote a piece called "Surviving the Void" that examines why part of our time here involves intentional separation from God despite our righteousness. I hope that some of these words may help you.

http://oneclimbs.com/2016/01/28/surviving-the-void/

From your post, it appears to me that one of your problems might be this idea of being stuck miserably at point A and thinking happiness will be at point B. Everything in your life right now seems bad and if those things were gone you would be happier. This may feel true for many things. If someone was standing on my foot I would feel uncomfortable until they moved their foot, but there are far more uncomfortable, even torturous things.

What I have found helpful is an idea that I find best expressed in these two posts. I apply the "Everything is Kung Fu" approach to my life because in principle, it is absolutely correct especially when you replace "Kung Fu" with...

http://oneclimbs.com/2014/06/04/events- ... logue-god/
http://oneclimbs.com/2013/08/09/karate- ... rdinances/

^ I'm not trying to promote my blog or anything, I don't make any money off of it or advertise it for notoriety. It is my personal study blog and one of the reasons I started it was because I would spend hours and hours going into my notes every few months answering the same kinds of questions for people and I figured it would be much easier to create a permanent library of all the great stuff I find and present it with notes, references, links, pictures, video, etc.

Sarah · Post by **Sarah** » March 14th, 2019, 8:20 am

Have you tried cutting out refined sugar? What is your diet like? Replace white bread with 100 percent whole wheat bread. Rice rice with brown rice. Get in the habit of eating salad and at least one other vegetable every day, and fresh fruit. Cut out some meat. And don't be afraid of eating fat in the form of butter, cheese, nuts, olive oil, and other unrefined sources. If you can control what you eat you can control other bad behaviors.

oneClimbs · Post by **oneClimbs** » March 14th, 2019, 8:22 am

thestock wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 6:25 am #2: Fake it til you make it

I used to hate this phrase. Now these are the words I live by when I feel depression hitting! Why? Because it works. Your thoughts control the way you FEEL. So if you can control your THOUGHTS....you will FEEL better. If you are feeling down, depressed, injured, frustrated etc.....get up each day, put a smile on your face, tell yourself "Today is going to be a great day!" and get out the door and have a productive day. You may FEEL like you are faking it at first....but very soon those controlled positive thoughts will lead you to feel better.

"Fake it til you make" it sounds a lot like "faith" or "hope." I agree neither is bad, but the word "fake" does carry negative baggage. There was a cool story I remember from Boyd K. Packer. He was just called as an apostle and was directed to go and organize a stake. He confessed to the president of the church at the time that he didn't know what to do and the president said, "Go down there and ACT like an apostle."

Often when I am in the same place I say to myself, "Go down there and ACT like a father, a 2nd counselor, an entrepreneur, etc." and I find that this helps. I'm not "faking it" I'm doing the things that that kind of person would do, thus my actions are not fake, but very real. It is only fake if you are doing it for show and without real intent.

I'm not a huge fan of the phrase either but at the core, it is a way to express a truth.

nightlight · Post by **nightlight** » March 14th, 2019, 8:27 am

5tev3 wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 7:57 am
Dlight wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 2:12 am How long would the Lord have us bare our crosses? I have suffered immensely in both body, mind and spirit since I was 8 years old. I don't think more than a year had gone by that I haven't wanted to die.
I too was in a deep dark place for years without so much as a discernable peep from God despite my sincere cries for help. I know what it is like to feel forsaken and I know the feeling (or lack of) when you feel the final drop of hope empty from your soul. One day it all changed. Years went by and I often would ask why intervention took so long. In spring of 2016, he answered me with the words, "You're still here." For me, that was all I needed to know.

I wrote a piece called "Surviving the Void" that examines why part of our time here involves intentional separation from God despite our righteousness. I hope that some of these words may help you.

http://oneclimbs.com/2016/01/28/surviving-the-void/

From your post, it appears to me that one of your problems might be this idea of being stuck miserably at point A and thinking happiness will be at point B. Everything in your life right now seems bad and if those things were gone you would be happier. This may feel true for many things. If someone was standing on my foot I would feel uncomfortable until they moved their foot, but there are far more uncomfortable, even torturous things.

What I have found helpful is an idea that I find best expressed in these two posts. I apply the "Everything is Kung Fu" approach to my life because in principle, it is absolutely correct especially when you replace "Kung Fu" with...

http://oneclimbs.com/2014/06/04/events- ... logue-god/
http://oneclimbs.com/2013/08/09/karate- ... rdinances/

^ I'm not trying to promote my blog or anything, I don't make any money off of it or advertise it for notoriety. It is my personal study blog and one of the reasons I started it was because I would spend hours and hours going into my notes every few months answering the same kinds of questions for people and I figured it would be much easier to create a permanent library of all the great stuff I find and present it with notes, references, links, pictures, video, etc.

Great stuff bro ^^^

" You're still here " 100%

^^I had very similar experience. ...

Michelle · Post by **Michelle** » March 14th, 2019, 8:29 am

Dlight wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 2:12 am How long would the Lord have us bare our crosses? I have suffered immensely in both body, mind and spirit since I was 8 years old. I don't think more than a year had gone by that I haven't wanted to die.

But I am not a victim. I intensely desire to rise above my challenges, and I have sought every good thing to try and fix my mental and physical health issues. Sadly nothing has worked more than to jay take the edge off.

These issues have made it hard to hold down a job, or be a good husband or father. I often have to ask my wife to hold up the whole family, and she has had to work two jobs to keep us afloat. She's so stressed out that it creates a lot of contention which only makes matters much worse. We fight constantly and I know that it stems from my lack of help and our situation.

Because of my issues I struggle to think clearly and I often have made bad or irrational decisions that end up making my situation worse in the long run. We have a lot of debt from school and me trying to get healthy and a few other bad decisions along the way.

I have turned to the Lord and fallen down on my knees asking him to remove this cup. I know I am unworthy, I acknowledge my weaknesses before God at all times. But I need help.

I know that this illness even prevents me from having the energy to serve him properly, I try to put him first and I hope to serve him will all my heart and I would do anything for others but I rarely have the strength to do my own family requirements let alone callings. I love my teaching calling, and have been told I have a gift, but i often call out because of physical pain or personal times of despair.

I know that sin is the root of all unhappiness. I have tried really hard to get the bad things out of my life and only keep the good things in.

This has wreaked havoc on my entire life. I'm nearing a divorce because there is a toxic environment, and have been counseled to do so by many of my family who I trust due to the level of fighting, but the Lord has seemed to tell me that is not his desire. No-one I turn to will help me, but they also tell me that God does not want us to suffer endlessly.

I have actually gone to school for alternative health to try and fix my issues. I have used numerous alternative modalities and diets, but I struggle mightily to discipline myself to these practices. I have found a lot of things that work, but I don't have the time to put it all into place properly without almost completely neglecting my family and taking a sabbatical com my job. I need to heal, but I can't afford to do it.

What is the secret if you lack discipline? I have tried so many self help books and cd programs and reading my scriptures. But I admittedly struggle to be consistent in anything I do, this is the primary issue of my mental disorder, brain fog and fatigue or maybe it's just spiritual weakness.

I will do anything anyone asks me to do at this point. I just want to not lose my family and serve the Lord and hopefully be healthy or at least functional.

It seems everyone's answer to me is too question my motives and my heart and tell me to try harder, that I must not want it that bad. But I promise I have worked extensively on this and I am greatly motivated. I don't want to be the way I am, I hate what I have become. I know the verse about turning weaknesses into strengths but I have not figured out how to get the discipline I need to better manage myself so I can dig myself it of this pit I'm in. I don't know how to see anything more than the legs
Lords Grace keeping my afloat, but the physical and emotional pain is real and a daily thing I battle.

Or the other answer is to turn to the Lord more. I have tried and tried to hear his voice. He has directed me and I have found relief to keep going but I'm just barely clinging to life. I am also told this is not Gods plan either.

I feel like my works are a direct measure of my righteousness, and because of my lack of fruit I feel as though I am judged to be a thing of nought like I am doing something wrong and being a victim and acted upon. How can I stop being this?

My wife and I are both downing in debt and a prison that we admittedly created with some bad decisions and tough circumcised and we are about to lose everything and no one can seem to help us out.

I have a great vision of being healthy and running my own business and helping others. I have several business ideas surrounding my alternative health education, but no way to start them in my current condition.

I have what I feel are modest desires to have a liveable house and the ability to take my family camping or hiking once in a while and serve others in multiple capacities. Maybe I should want less than this. Maybe I should accept my limitations, but that fans like admitting defeat.

I have the desire and the heart, but the lack the financial means and physical ability.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I know something of what you are talking about.

1. I agree with those who say simplify. Remember you cannot serve God and Mammon. You cannot do everything God wants you to do and everything man wants you to do. Skip the demands of man and focus on the things of God. These are doable.

Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

2. Remember that both demons and the Holy Ghost are real. We are surrounded by demons who whisper to our souls day and night. Helaman 13:37 says

"37 Behold, we are surrounded by demons, yea, we are encircled about by the angels of him who hath sought to destroy our souls. "

Cast them away and invite the Holy Ghost and angels to be with you. Whenever you have a "crazy" thought ask yourself these questions: "Does that sound crazy?" If you are able to identify it as crazy, you are thinking clearly and can know that it didn't come from you brain, but from the whispering of an evil spirit and reject it. Too many people suffer because they believe all thoughts originate with them and then judge themselves by those thoughts. We have our own thoughts, impressions from the Holy Spirit, and temptations from Satan and his followers that all come to the front of our consciousness. If you know you should think something is crazy, but don't really feel like it is (like suicidal thoughts) then ask for help quickly!

3. Be willing to do whatever the Lord asks you. (Not crazy stuff, but things that you may not understand.) For example, I wanted to have more children (It took 9 years to get the first 3), but I was not able. I asked the Lord what to do and I was willing to do whatever He said. The first few things were strange to me. I was directed to change all my clothing and bedding to cotton. No polyester. I was directed to stop using shampoo (It took about 6 months of trying various ways to wash my hair before I received an answer as to what I could use.) I was also told to turn off the Wi-Fi at my house at night and when not in use.

I didn't understand why any of those would help, but I obeyed. I then had 3 more kids in 4 years. I later learned about the dangers of plastic as a hormone disruptor. (Polyester is plastic.) I learned about the dangers of most modern chemicals and detergents as hormone disruptors. I then learned about the dangers of wi-fi to reproductive organs.

This the same pattern the God gave the ancient Israelites. He gave them many "carnal commands," but without the explanation as to why. We understand now why He commanded them to do things like wash their hands, quarantine their sick, not eat certain foods, etc. But they had commands they didn't understand. Even without understanding why they needed to do those things, they still received the blessings if they followed those commandments.

You will find more about this in Leviticus, if you are interested.

4. The most important is to read your scriptures and pray. The answers I shared above, all came from praying and reading scriptures.

John 3:17
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

oneClimbs · Post by **oneClimbs** » March 14th, 2019, 8:37 am

Sarah wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 8:20 am Have you tried cutting out refined sugar? What is your diet like? Replace white bread with 100 percent whole wheat bread. Rice rice with brown rice. Get in the habit of eating salad and and least one other vegtable every day, and fresh fruit. Cut out some meat. And don't be afraid of eating fat in the form of butter, cheese, nuts, olive oil, and other unrefined sources. If you can control what you eat you can control other bad behaviors.

I have to add some commentary here to your point because this is great advice. I cleaned up my diet in my mid-20s but instead of just dieting I wanted to change my lifestyle but it seemed overwhelming. What I did was a slow approach that took many months but I would find the most unhealthy thing I knew I was eating and I replaced it with something healthier that I liked more. Then, it was much harder to go back to that thing because I found something better.

If I still found myself tempted by something, I'd look up the worst information I could find about it. Even if some of the information was exaggerated, if it allegedly caused cancer or there was something, anything, gross that I could attach to that thing it would help me to avoid it by changing the way I saw it and thought about it. This is actually kind of a fun process and how I stopped eating hot dogs.

In 2011 I went from being a brisket-eating carnivorous Texan to completely plant-based cold turkey because of the strength I got from that initial process of desiring better and replacing one thing at a time patiently. I lost 40lbs with pretty much no exercise over the course of about a year and a half (before I went plant-based). I've never put weight back on and I eat super clean, I almost never get sick, and best of all, like Sarah said, there is an aspect to governing your belly that has blessings in disguise.

It is absolutely true that controlling your appetite can lead to control of all other appetites across the board. There is a principle of fasting at work there, the same principle of denying oneself for something greater and you can do it every day. It becomes less about avoiding the bad and more about seeking the good. In time, you will crave the good and abhor the bad.

As President Packer said, the word of wisdom is only "incidentally" about health, the core purpose of that wisdom relates to being protected from the destroying angel, conspiring men, and granting the saints great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures. Giving them the ability to run and not be weary (hint: this is not about exercise) and give you health in the navel and marrow to your bones (hint: this is also not what it seems).

drtanner · Post by **drtanner** » March 14th, 2019, 8:40 am

In all sincerity I feel for you. What you are experiencing can all be endured and you can be transformed by your faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ which includes total and complete repentance. It is that single act by Christ that has more power than we can comprehend, but it is meaningless unless we understand how to access it.

I recommend reading the Book of Mormon with the question of how you can access that power in your life. The answers are all there. I would also recommend the book “he did deliver me from bondage” by Colleen Harrison and the Infinite Atonement by Tad Callister.

I also recommend a full complete fast, it can work miracles for self control.

Chip · Post by **Chip** » March 14th, 2019, 9:02 am

I hope you get into a better state, Dlight.

Several of my friends have episodic to chronic paranoid schitzophrenia. They are all exceptional guys who struggle a lot. I've been hoping and praying they'll all be okay. Two have been quite well in recent years and they both live the gospel. The toughest case lives in Finland. He has quite an acute condition and your problems seem on par with his, but are more physiological. He has the same dynamics with his immediate family as you do. Maybe someone's advice here could help you. I sure would like for you and Panu to both overcome your situations.

Juliet · Post by **Juliet** » March 14th, 2019, 9:08 am

Have you addressed repressed truama? If you don't deal with it it will destroy your life. We are spiritual beings but we are also physical beings with a physical brain and a mind that has to control the body. If the mind isn't working because of repressed truama then you need to give it the tools to deal with the truama.

Check out www.process-healing.com and read for free online the first three chapters of "A Theory and Treatment of your Personality" by Gary A Flint, PHD, personally healed over 600 people with his tools to teach the subconscious how it was created, how it functions as the personality develops, how truama destroys the mind body connection, and how the subconscious can fix it.

He also developed Emotional Freedom Technique but when it didn't work on some people he knew he needed to use something deeper.

I have been processing truama for years. It is what is required to become functional again. I have lots of experience. I would be happy to go through the process healing method or other truama processing methods. This doesn't mean you will be hypnotized to bring up memories that never happened. It means you will deal with the pain in the manner in which your subconscious portrays it to you, and if your body chooses to release those actual truamatic memories to your conscious awareness, it can if it so chooses.

PM me if you want to Skype. I am sure I can give you a couple tools to help you function at those low points. Not as a therapist but as someone who also has found tools to heal what others in my family for generations could not heal.

Oh, also, falsehood is the root of unhappiness. And the biggest falsehood is to not forgive yourself, or others, and not to receive the fruit of eternal life which is God's love for you. You have to learn to receive it no matter how unworthy the devil wants you to feel. God has provided a banquet for you, and you are invited to partake of it. Don't let the devil shame you from partaking of God's love.

Vision · Post by **Vision** » March 14th, 2019, 9:19 am

SIN IS NOT THE ROOT OF ALL UNHAPPINESS. Quit telling yourself that. It only affirms the negative cycle you are in. Sin certainly can lead to unhappiness, but it is not always the source of it. There are millions of people that are completely happy that live a sinful life according to the Church definition of sin.

marc · Post by **marc** » March 14th, 2019, 9:23 am

...I have turned to the Lord and fallen down on my knees asking him to remove this cup. I know I am unworthy, I acknowledge my weaknesses before God at all times. But I need help.

I know that this illness even prevents me from having the energy to serve him properly...

Jesus also once asked that Father remove His own cup, but Jesus immediately yielded His will and drank his bitter cup down to the last bitter dregs, every bit. You think you know how to serve him properly, but you are injecting your own will. I don't know if you have asked Him what His will is that you may serve Him properly. While Joseph Smith suffered severely in Liberty Jail, the Lord counseled him thus:

D&C 122:5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

I know my words have not been balm to your soul. We have been sent down to suffer the Lord's will. I have had my own challenges in life, including growing up in an abusive, dysfunctional, broken home, suffering the challenges of marriage coupled with my wife's infertility and the trials that come with being foster and adoptive parents to children who grew up in an abusive, dysfunctional, broken homes and who prefer the lifestyles found in streets, jail, and prison over the safety of the home environment I endeavored to provide only to have my own home taken from me to foreclosure unjustly and losing my business, having to start over in life in my mid 40s. The story goes on and on. We are all called to face our own bitter cup. But rather than refuse to drink, we ought to drink it and learn from the experience.

There was once a group of women studying the book of Malachi in the Old Testament. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. This verse puzzled the women, and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watch the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were the hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then she thought again about the verse that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered "Yes", and explained that he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was on the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be damaged.The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy. When I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of this world's fire, just remember that God has his eyes on you. Plead with Him incessantly to understand His will in your life. The moment you completely surrender to His will, He can begin to work in you. But you have to surrender and that means all kinds of losses before the gains begin. Just keep praising Him, and thanking Him as you endure the flame.

True · Post by **True** » March 14th, 2019, 9:40 am

drtanner wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 8:40 am In all sincerity I feel for you. What you are experiencing can all be endured and you can be transformed by your faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ which includes total and complete repentance. It is that single act by Christ that has more power than we can comprehend, but it is meaningless unless we understand how to access it.

I recommend reading the Book of Mormon with the question of how you can access that power in your life. The answers are all there. I would also recommend the book “he did deliver me from bondage” by Colleen Harrison and the Infinite Atonement by Tad Callister.

I also recommend a full complete fast, it can work miracles for self control.

As I have been reading these responses, I have been waiting to get to the bottom so I can tell you what worked for me in my darkest time. I have experienced much of what you have said. The part about not being able to discipline yourself has also been a problem that was so frustrating. I know what you are talking about.

I was excited to see drtanner’s response and I want to second his recommendation of the book “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage”. It works! It is a workbook that uses the Book of Mormon to deliver you from yourself. It takes you step by step through becoming closer to Christ and overcoming your challenges. The Lord led me to this book in a very dark time. It’s worth a try. It is very easy to do. I really hope and will pray that you will find relief.

brlenox · Post by **brlenox** » March 14th, 2019, 9:46 am

Dlight wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 2:12 am How long would the Lord have us bare our crosses? I have suffered immensely in both body, mind and spirit since I was 8 years old. I don't think more than a year had gone by that I haven't wanted to die.

But I am not a victim. I intensely desire to rise above my challenges, and I have sought every good thing to try and fix my mental and physical health issues. Sadly nothing has worked more than to jay take the edge off.

These issues have made it hard to hold down a job, or be a good husband or father. I often have to ask my wife to hold up the whole family, and she has had to work two jobs to keep us afloat. She's so stressed out that it creates a lot of contention which only makes matters much worse. We fight constantly and I know that it stems from my lack of help and our situation.

Because of my issues I struggle to think clearly and I often have made bad or irrational decisions that end up making my situation worse in the long run. We have a lot of debt from school and me trying to get healthy and a few other bad decisions along the way.

I have turned to the Lord and fallen down on my knees asking him to remove this cup. I know I am unworthy, I acknowledge my weaknesses before God at all times. But I need help.

I know that this illness even prevents me from having the energy to serve him properly, I try to put him first and I hope to serve him will all my heart and I would do anything for others but I rarely have the strength to do my own family requirements let alone callings. I love my teaching calling, and have been told I have a gift, but i often call out because of physical pain or personal times of despair.

I know that sin is the root of all unhappiness. I have tried really hard to get the bad things out of my life and only keep the good things in.

This has wreaked havoc on my entire life. I'm nearing a divorce because there is a toxic environment, and have been counseled to do so by many of my family who I trust due to the level of fighting, but the Lord has seemed to tell me that is not his desire. No-one I turn to will help me, but they also tell me that God does not want us to suffer endlessly.

I have actually gone to school for alternative health to try and fix my issues. I have used numerous alternative modalities and diets, but I struggle mightily to discipline myself to these practices. I have found a lot of things that work, but I don't have the time to put it all into place properly without almost completely neglecting my family and taking a sabbatical com my job. I need to heal, but I can't afford to do it.

What is the secret if you lack discipline? I have tried so many self help books and cd programs and reading my scriptures. But I admittedly struggle to be consistent in anything I do, this is the primary issue of my mental disorder, brain fog and fatigue or maybe it's just spiritual weakness.

I will do anything anyone asks me to do at this point. I just want to not lose my family and serve the Lord and hopefully be healthy or at least functional.

It seems everyone's answer to me is too question my motives and my heart and tell me to try harder, that I must not want it that bad. But I promise I have worked extensively on this and I am greatly motivated. I don't want to be the way I am, I hate what I have become. I know the verse about turning weaknesses into strengths but I have not figured out how to get the discipline I need to better manage myself so I can dig myself it of this pit I'm in. I don't know how to see anything more than the legs
Lords Grace keeping my afloat, but the physical and emotional pain is real and a daily thing I battle.

Or the other answer is to turn to the Lord more. I have tried and tried to hear his voice. He has directed me and I have found relief to keep going but I'm just barely clinging to life. I am also told this is not Gods plan either.

I feel like my works are a direct measure of my righteousness, and because of my lack of fruit I feel as though I am judged to be a thing of nought like I am doing something wrong and being a victim and acted upon. How can I stop being this?

My wife and I are both downing in debt and a prison that we admittedly created with some bad decisions and tough circumcised and we are about to lose everything and no one can seem to help us out.

I have a great vision of being healthy and running my own business and helping others. I have several business ideas surrounding my alternative health education, but no way to start them in my current condition.

I have what I feel are modest desires to have a liveable house and the ability to take my family camping or hiking once in a while and serve others in multiple capacities. Maybe I should want less than this. Maybe I should accept my limitations, but that fans like admitting defeat.

I have the desire and the heart, but the lack the financial means and physical ability.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

It is difficult to address the spiritual if the physical is in such disarray. Perhaps if you could get the physical inline then the capacity to address the spiritual might help with some of the behavioral issues. Having been through similar issues and dealt with them in terms of the types of physical things you describe, I might have some insight. If you wish to PM me with a list of all of your ailments, perhaps I might recognize some pathway. Also the things you have done to correct will be important including medications. Very important that we have a list of all of your ailments from headaches to hangnails as most of the time our major illnesses are reflected as a group of additional sub-issues that can point to common causes.

I have several people who credit me with having changed their lives by going through this process. I have some that I couldn't help for one reason or another - so it could go either way.

BackBlast · Post by **BackBlast** » March 14th, 2019, 11:31 am

Dlight wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 2:12 am How long would the Lord have us bare our crosses? I have suffered immensely in both body, mind and spirit since I was 8 years old. I don't think more than a year had gone by that I haven't wanted to die.

I battled with a particular weakness of mine for decades. I battled it and battled it and battled it. It was through a sore trial where I was brought down to be yet more humble and had to make other unrelated sacrifices in my life which had the result of reducing my overall selfishness. Then suddenly my weakness of decades became relatively easy for me to forsake. It left scars and required some work still, but it was suddenly manageable for me.

I think sometimes we struggle with something, facing it head on. When the Lord would have us be humble and work on something else, perhaps something easier for us. Where that easier thing would provide leverage for you to fix your primary concern. He really knows how to fix and rebuild souls, I know this from my own experience. And sometimes it's only through those years-to-decades long trials that we hit the right temperature for the refiners fire to burn off the impurities. I think the quickest paths forward are to figure out the items that He would have you address first in your life.

Hang in there. Good luck to you.

Dlight · Post by **Dlight** » March 14th, 2019, 12:03 pm

thanks for all the responses. Sorry this is long, but there is a lot to discuss here. I greatly appreciate the thoughts you have all shared.

I didn't name my illnesses off because I really don't want to come off as a victim. I feel like when I bring these issues or "labels" up that they are self limiting labels. My family and those around me tell me to stop labeling and limiting myself. I usually have positive self talk, and that's been a big thing I've worked on in my life. I am in a crisis again now so please ignore the negative self talk your reading, that is not my normal way of talking about my problems.

The awareness of repeating patterns that I am experiencing is the source of my current crisis. I see now that in spite of all the positive self talk and daily motivation videos and trying to have faithful hopeful attitudes, trying to eat healthy and be active and go to church, the pattern of impending failure has re-emerged and that has blown my positive self talk up in an instant. It is my personal performance that is suffering, my lack of performance, the lack of visible fruits in my life that is hurting my faith currently. I told my wife that based on who I am at this moment I am dead weight it seems.

I know I need to buck up and try harder and not think that way. I want to so much. I don't know how to find the strength or energy to "buck up" and that's why I am here. My dad and step dad were both like this also, I dont blame them, but I never learned how to buck up...

I am at a loss as to why it is so hard for me to do what most people consider normal, like i feel like if I let it take over I could easily be homeless and crazy on the street in a short period of time, but I am fighting it tooth and nail. I try not to compare myself or limit myself, but it is hard looking at my life not to see this pattern that is ongoing despite all my efforts. And now with my marriage near to end, moment of truth is appearing for me and I feel like I have no choice but to do something different than just try to suck it up like I have for the last eight years. I have tried so many things that include just being positive, trying to exert an attitude of faith and hope but I am still at this crisis moment where I can lose it all in spite of honest efforts on my part.

I am interested in your responses for sure, I am open truly to any ideas, although I truthfully I now have my own ideas of what needs to happen, but for most my life I have chased after many peoples advice, and haven't found much success in that, but I haven't given up hope on finding solutions.

The biggest issue is probably going to have to start with my brain. I was diagnosed ADD as a child and had severe rage outbursts and depression growing up after family divorce. I am in a fog of low brain energy.

I have learned to control the outbursts, but I am still feeling like the same patterns exist, and medications both allopathic and natural seem to fail me in getting results. The best way to describe my add is like I cant seem to control the stage of my mind very well. To me its like being driven instead of driving my mind or my body...like I don't seem to currently have very much control over my thoughts and focuses. It feels like I am being acted upon rather than acting, much of the time. I know that's contrary to my agency, but it feels this way to me a good deal of time.

People with ADD have delta or theta brain patterns during times they should have beta patterns. Like I am in a dream while I am trying to be awake. Trying to control my thoughts is like trying to control my dreams.

Its difficult because most solutions I hear are to do things that require self mastery, and I admittedly don't have enough self mastery (actually I have a remarkable amount all things considered, but not enough it seems)... so setting patterns and be consistent is always the solution I see but find hardest to do.

Setting patterns is what i struggle the most with even though I have tried so many programs and read all these books on how to be that way. I have never been able to master implementing a focused schedule, although I keep trying over and over to do this with high hopes but little success. I try to set patterns of scripture study or exercise for example, and I just get derailed so easily, it's infuriating and I somehow am able to start over with a positive outlook. My desire if always renewed but in a few days I forget or lose interest and just stop doing the thing I know I need to do. Why do I keep engaging in this self defeating behavior when I fully know that it is leading to my destruction?

I am aware of how stupid it sounds, patently aware of where I need to change but somehow cant seem to find the courage or daily focus to just do it!

I always go back to trying, but meaningful change never seems to really take place. The thing is just trying and not giving up isn't enough. If I don't produce more results soon I will lose my whole life and family. I don't want to. It fills me with shame. I love my daughter so much it hurts to think I wont be a daily part of her life.

The last 6 months or so I had positive self talk and focus with a new job I started. This is maybe my 17th job in as many years, but this one felt different. I had so much focus and I started out strong in insurance sales, and now i look back and see it all started going downhill after month three which is my normal pattern with jobs. The thing is, unlike my last jobs, I kept my positive attitude for two months after things started derailing. At first I actually was frustrated because I didn't see that my performance was the cause, because I didn't even see my own reduction in daily performance. I had positive attitude I thought I was doing good in my job until yesterday I realized that I had actually been the cause, my own lack of energy and focus has stopped me, but I already hate this job so much it feels impossible and causes enormous feelings of depression and wanting to escape it.

So I go back to blaming my health issues for this drop in performance. So lets get into that a bit more.

I feel as though I live in a fog much of the time with very low energy. My cardiovascular system is messed up, I wheeze after running down a hill. I have tightness and pain all over my body, and I have several issues in my neck and spine with arthritis developing fast and some small disc issues that pinch on my nerves. I don't have good muscle tone, and I have knots all over. This seems to exacerbate my ADD since being in pain makles it doubly hard to focus on sitting in front of my computer calling people.

I eat pretty healthy all things considered but I'm not perfect. I eat out a lot, but I avoid the most problematic fast foods and try for things like salad and go and pannera bread etc... I eat out because I am so tired, and my wife is so overworked. We eat home cooked meals maybe 2-3 times a week, but it's hard to plan meals with our schedules.

I have cut out all dairy and sugar at various points because those seem to inflame me the most, honestly many things aggravate my symptoms, but sugar is the worst. I have to strictly limit it to no more than a few things now and then, it has been difficult to control myself when others around me eat it uncontrolled with no issues. I drink good clean water, rarely if ever soda, I dont understand how anyone can drink soda and have any kind of health because one can would do me in for two days. When I am feeling tired or sick, my temper flares, I feel out of control anxious and depressed and angry. I'm not a pleasant or patient person in these times.

I try to retreat to my room for prayer and reading scriptures or anything to take the edge off but it always costs too much.

Now I have spent the last six years becoming somewhat of an alternative health guy in my own view. I can help a lot of people with their issues, but cant seem to fix my own yet, go figure haha. I did a class here in Arizona called Myopractics which has been a great learning experience, and I have studied and read several nutrition and health books. My desire is to open my own practice as I am pretty passionate about this kind of stuff, but it's hard to imagine doing it with my current energy levels. Plus who would go to a sick person for treatment?

I also know that due to the complexity of health that no-one is ever truly an expert and there is always more to learn, so I always continue to learn and try new things.I have an array of percussive massager devices, virbration platform, PEMF device (which is probably helping me the most right now from just falling apart). I have tried diets, supplements, rolfing, chiropractic etc. I have read all about primal, keto, vegan and other diets. I can go on about what I have studied for hours, but without the ability to implement anything long term it seems like useless knowledge for myself.

Everything takes the edge off the health issues to a small degree (mainly the pain), but no matter what I have tried, the brain health and the struggle to set patterns in my life remains the primary underlying issue. I think being overwhelmed by everything, the need to provide, keep the house up, be a husband and dad, and all the lists take all that I have...I don't have anything left in the tank for the truly needful things. but the truly needful things for my health seem to take away from the energy or rob my ability to do the other important things and cause a lot of issues at home.

Now my own belief is this:

I kind of became convinced lately that I need to do a full immersion program. I cant afford a 30-60 day in patient program thats costs 13k, I cant afford to take work off that long or pay the costs. I think having a guided program with other health practitioners would be best, so I developed my own program for myself based on my years of study which includes diet, exercise, detox, and a bunch of stuff combined. But to do it I would need a place to go free of distractions, and with the finances I cant even afford to do it anyway. My idea is that this would later become the protocol/pattern I use to help others overcome there own issues (assuming it actually works for me)

The issue is I'm so tired at the end of a normal day I don't have the energy, I just want to sleep or sit. I cant do this program and work all day and be a father at night...its too intense a program designed to help me do nothing but focus on healing and setting positive patterns for at least 30 days. Again they have inpatient clinics that do this sort of thing with phenomenal results a lot of the time, but I don't have any way to drop that kind of money, and my wife wouldn't let me if I wanted to anyway. So instead I tried to make myself the expert so I could do it on my own.

Plus my wife works 10-12 hours a day (work job then side jobs in the evening) all this with a 2 year old, and when I am not home helping with my daughter it causes a lot of strain on my wife, so that causes major fights since I'm not pulling the weight of the family. Our roles are completely reversed and she is asked to shoulder the load of being a mom and a provider as a result of my inability to provide. I have asked my mom to come help but she cant for the time I need, but truthfully unless someone comes to relieve my wife it would be too much for her to bare in her own current condition. It's not fair for me to ask this of her, even if she looks at it like an investment, she struggles to believe anything will change in 60 days.

My own view is that if I had 30-60 days to focus on nothing but my health, that I could set a real foundation for success. lots of programs work this way with great success for people that sound similar to me. I have had limited energy, and I need to start out using all of that limited energy to establish a baseline of health, and then I can be empowered to heal my body/brain and set more realistic ongoing patterns in the future.

The question I have honestly is whether I am deluding myself? Is this truly a health issue or is it only faith issue? Is good health and energy needed to meet demands or can the Lord just allot me what is needed even if I don't care for my own temple properly. I feel my heart is in the right place, the spirit willing, the flesh weak.

Do I need to just keep trying harder towards God or is God trying to give me tools to fix my issues? I asked him where can I go to find ore to make the tools basically? I think I have seen the plans to build my own boat...I have studied it out extensively and open to any other input. I went to my mom and dad but they cannot help me. I haven't gone to my bishop again, and i don't know how to ask for him to pay my salary for 30-60 days or where I can go that is quiet so I can focus on healing properly. I am planning on going to him again on Sunday, but in the past they just keep offering to pay for more counseling but I don't think that has helped me with this issue.

Sarah · Post by **Sarah** » March 14th, 2019, 2:57 pm

Dlight wrote: ↑March 14th, 2019, 12:03 pm thanks for all the responses. Sorry this is long, but there is a lot to discuss here. I greatly appreciate the thoughts you have all shared.

I didn't name my illnesses off because I really don't want to come off as a victim. I feel like when I bring these issues or "labels" up that they are self limiting labels. My family and those around me tell me to stop labeling and limiting myself. I usually have positive self talk, and that's been a big thing I've worked on in my life. I am in a crisis again now so please ignore the negative self talk your reading, that is not my normal way of talking about my problems.

The awareness of repeating patterns that I am experiencing is the source of my current crisis. I see now that in spite of all the positive self talk and daily motivation videos and trying to have faithful hopeful attitudes, trying to eat healthy and be active and go to church, the pattern of impending failure has re-emerged and that has blown my positive self talk up in an instant. It is my personal performance that is suffering, my lack of performance, the lack of visible fruits in my life that is hurting my faith currently. I told my wife that based on who I am at this moment I am dead weight it seems.

I know I need to buck up and try harder and not think that way. I want to so much. I don't know how to find the strength or energy to "buck up" and that's why I am here. My dad and step dad were both like this also, I dont blame them, but I never learned how to buck up...

I am at a loss as to why it is so hard for me to do what most people consider normal, like i feel like if I let it take over I could easily be homeless and crazy on the street in a short period of time, but I am fighting it tooth and nail. I try not to compare myself or limit myself, but it is hard looking at my life not to see this pattern that is ongoing despite all my efforts. And now with my marriage near to end, moment of truth is appearing for me and I feel like I have no choice but to do something different than just try to suck it up like I have for the last eight years. I have tried so many things that include just being positive, trying to exert an attitude of faith and hope but I am still at this crisis moment where I can lose it all in spite of honest efforts on my part.

I am interested in your responses for sure, I am open truly to any ideas, although I truthfully I now have my own ideas of what needs to happen, but for most my life I have chased after many peoples advice, and haven't found much success in that, but I haven't given up hope on finding solutions.

The biggest issue is probably going to have to start with my brain. I was diagnosed ADD as a child and had severe rage outbursts and depression growing up after family divorce. I am in a fog of low brain energy.

I have learned to control the outbursts, but I am still feeling like the same patterns exist, and medications both allopathic and natural seem to fail me in getting results. The best way to describe my add is like I cant seem to control the stage of my mind very well. To me its like being driven instead of driving my mind or my body...like I don't seem to currently have very much control over my thoughts and focuses. It feels like I am being acted upon rather than acting, much of the time. I know that's contrary to my agency, but it feels this way to me a good deal of time.

People with ADD have delta or theta brain patterns during times they should have beta patterns. Like I am in a dream while I am trying to be awake. Trying to control my thoughts is like trying to control my dreams.

Its difficult because most solutions I hear are to do things that require self mastery, and I admittedly don't have enough self mastery (actually I have a remarkable amount all things considered, but not enough it seems)... so setting patterns and be consistent is always the solution I see but find hardest to do.

Setting patterns is what i struggle the most with even though I have tried so many programs and read all these books on how to be that way. I have never been able to master implementing a focused schedule, although I keep trying over and over to do this with high hopes but little success. I try to set patterns of scripture study or exercise for example, and I just get derailed so easily, it's infuriating and I somehow am able to start over with a positive outlook. My desire if always renewed but in a few days I forget or lose interest and just stop doing the thing I know I need to do. Why do I keep engaging in this self defeating behavior when I fully know that it is leading to my destruction?

I am aware of how stupid it sounds, patently aware of where I need to change but somehow cant seem to find the courage or daily focus to just do it!

I always go back to trying, but meaningful change never seems to really take place. The thing is just trying and not giving up isn't enough. If I don't produce more results soon I will lose my whole life and family. I don't want to. It fills me with shame. I love my daughter so much it hurts to think I wont be a daily part of her life.

The last 6 months or so I had positive self talk and focus with a new job I started. This is maybe my 17th job in as many years, but this one felt different. I had so much focus and I started out strong in insurance sales, and now i look back and see it all started going downhill after month three which is my normal pattern with jobs. The thing is, unlike my last jobs, I kept my positive attitude for two months after things started derailing. At first I actually was frustrated because I didn't see that my performance was the cause, because I didn't even see my own reduction in daily performance. I had positive attitude I thought I was doing good in my job until yesterday I realized that I had actually been the cause, my own lack of energy and focus has stopped me, but I already hate this job so much it feels impossible and causes enormous feelings of depression and wanting to escape it.

So I go back to blaming my health issues for this drop in performance. So lets get into that a bit more.

I feel as though I live in a fog much of the time with very low energy. My cardiovascular system is messed up, I wheeze after running down a hill. I have tightness and pain all over my body, and I have several issues in my neck and spine with arthritis developing fast and some small disc issues that pinch on my nerves. I don't have good muscle tone, and I have knots all over. This seems to exacerbate my ADD since being in pain makles it doubly hard to focus on sitting in front of my computer calling people.

I eat pretty healthy all things considered but I'm not perfect. I eat out a lot, but I avoid the most problematic fast foods and try for things like salad and go and pannera bread etc... I eat out because I am so tired, and my wife is so overworked. We eat home cooked meals maybe 2-3 times a week, but it's hard to plan meals with our schedules.

I have cut out all dairy and sugar at various points because those seem to inflame me the most, honestly many things aggravate my symptoms, but sugar is the worst. I have to strictly limit it to no more than a few things now and then, it has been difficult to control myself when others around me eat it uncontrolled with no issues. I drink good clean water, rarely if ever soda, I dont understand how anyone can drink soda and have any kind of health because one can would do me in for two days. When I am feeling tired or sick, my temper flares, I feel out of control anxious and depressed and angry. I'm not a pleasant or patient person in these times.

I try to retreat to my room for prayer and reading scriptures or anything to take the edge off but it always costs too much.

Now I have spent the last six years becoming somewhat of an alternative health guy in my own view. I can help a lot of people with their issues, but cant seem to fix my own yet, go figure haha. I did a class here in Arizona called Myopractics which has been a great learning experience, and I have studied and read several nutrition and health books. My desire is to open my own practice as I am pretty passionate about this kind of stuff, but it's hard to imagine doing it with my current energy levels. Plus who would go to a sick person for treatment?

I also know that due to the complexity of health that no-one is ever truly an expert and there is always more to learn, so I always continue to learn and try new things.I have an array of percussive massager devices, virbration platform, PEMF device (which is probably helping me the most right now from just falling apart). I have tried diets, supplements, rolfing, chiropractic etc. I have read all about primal, keto, vegan and other diets. I can go on about what I have studied for hours, but without the ability to implement anything long term it seems like useless knowledge for myself.

Everything takes the edge off the health issues to a small degree (mainly the pain), but no matter what I have tried, the brain health and the struggle to set patterns in my life remains the primary underlying issue. I think being overwhelmed by everything, the need to provide, keep the house up, be a husband and dad, and all the lists take all that I have...I don't have anything left in the tank for the truly needful things. but the truly needful things for my health seem to take away from the energy or rob my ability to do the other important things and cause a lot of issues at home.

Now my own belief is this:

I kind of became convinced lately that I need to do a full immersion program. I cant afford a 30-60 day in patient program thats costs 13k, I cant afford to take work off that long or pay the costs. I think having a guided program with other health practitioners would be best, so I developed my own program for myself based on my years of study which includes diet, exercise, detox, and a bunch of stuff combined. But to do it I would need a place to go free of distractions, and with the finances I cant even afford to do it anyway. My idea is that this would later become the protocol/pattern I use to help others overcome there own issues (assuming it actually works for me)

The issue is I'm so tired at the end of a normal day I don't have the energy, I just want to sleep or sit. I cant do this program and work all day and be a father at night...its too intense a program designed to help me do nothing but focus on healing and setting positive patterns for at least 30 days. Again they have inpatient clinics that do this sort of thing with phenomenal results a lot of the time, but I don't have any way to drop that kind of money, and my wife wouldn't let me if I wanted to anyway. So instead I tried to make myself the expert so I could do it on my own.

Plus my wife works 10-12 hours a day (work job then side jobs in the evening) all this with a 2 year old, and when I am not home helping with my daughter it causes a lot of strain on my wife, so that causes major fights since I'm not pulling the weight of the family. Our roles are completely reversed and she is asked to shoulder the load of being a mom and a provider as a result of my inability to provide. I have asked my mom to come help but she cant for the time I need, but truthfully unless someone comes to relieve my wife it would be too much for her to bare in her own current condition. It's not fair for me to ask this of her, even if she looks at it like an investment, she struggles to believe anything will change in 60 days.

My own view is that if I had 30-60 days to focus on nothing but my health, that I could set a real foundation for success. lots of programs work this way with great success for people that sound similar to me. I have had limited energy, and I need to start out using all of that limited energy to establish a baseline of health, and then I can be empowered to heal my body/brain and set more realistic ongoing patterns in the future.

The question I have honestly is whether I am deluding myself? Is this truly a health issue or is it only faith issue? Is good health and energy needed to meet demands or can the Lord just allot me what is needed even if I don't care for my own temple properly. I feel my heart is in the right place, the spirit willing, the flesh weak.

Do I need to just keep trying harder towards God or is God trying to give me tools to fix my issues? I asked him where can I go to find ore to make the tools basically? I think I have seen the plans to build my own boat...I have studied it out extensively and open to any other input. I went to my mom and dad but they cannot help me. I haven't gone to my bishop again, and i don't know how to ask for him to pay my salary for 30-60 days or where I can go that is quiet so I can focus on healing properly. I am planning on going to him again on Sunday, but in the past they just keep offering to pay for more counseling but I don't think that has helped me with this issue.

Sounds like you know what you need to do, you just need to believe in yourself. Father in Heaven believes you can do it. Just believe, and pray always, and continue to try to eat healthy. Even if you are avoiding sweets, if you are going out to eat the majority of the time, that is a big problem. Just eat simply. Whole grains, soup and salad you make yourself at home. If you are home all day with a two year-old, that can be depressing as well. Take her to the park or mall or somewhere you can walk, and find time to talk to others.

Juliet · Post by **Juliet** » March 14th, 2019, 2:59 pm

Dlight,

My theory is you are going into Delta brain waves because guess what, no pain in those brain waves. This is exactly the science between total mind control. Your rage is just normal for the things that may have happened to you. It also makes you "whole" for a minute, which is what you are seeking.

Even God said a seed was planted in poor soil. Admitting it doesn't make you a victim.

I am sorry you are going through this. I bet you are already handling it very well under the circumstances and you will have that business some day.

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