The underlying reason why men turn to pornography?

[Dusty52]

I have a friend who has an addiction, he's had it many years, before the internet he used to buy magazines, now he just uses the internet, he's been on the addiction recovery program many times, he has had moderate success in staying away from it but he always goes back to it, like a dog returning to its own vomit, now he is trying to address the real reason the underlying reason of why he needs to view it, he can't afford to go to a counsellor. I don't know what I can do to help him in his quest to be free from this addiction which seems to strangle the life out of him, he fights each and every day. Any ideas?

[Alaris]

I have a friend who was also addicted. Safety rules help but are not sufficient alone:

Dont's:

Don't go online when your family / roommates are asleep
Don't take your phone / tablet into the bathroom
Put your computer in a public place
etc.

Dos:

Daily scripture study and prayer
Wholesome, planned activities
Wholesome music
Uplifting motivational / sacred paintings / pictures etc.
Get a blessing
See the Bishop
Set Goals

Focusing on the why behind pornography is evil:

1 Contributing to the demand of sin
2 Weakening your own spirit and ability to feel the spirit
3 Objectifying the act making it carnal rather than spiritual / emotional
4 Subjecting oneself to something that is highly addictive

That third point is huge and is what I've tried to instill in my sons. Pornography will desensitize a man - whether he is married or single - to a sacred union. His wife or future wife will be wanting a deep spiritual and emotional connection and will only see his participation on a carnal level. He is robbing her and himself of what marriage relations should be.

The fourth point is easy for those who aren't addicted - you can't become an alcoholic if you never take your first drink.

And personally my favorite reason I have shared with my friend and my sons:

Pornography is a waste of time. A man will get himself all worked up over something that is completely counterfeit and will feel ultimately unfulfilled. So he will be desensitizing himself to the sacred emotional and spiritual nature of sex to his and his wife's detriment with something that is a complete waste of time.

Obviously that's all easier said than done for someone who is addicted. If he can't afford a counselor, well, he should be going to the Bishop anyway, who is free! He needs to set rules and follow them. He needs to come up with a plan. He needs to fill his life with wholesome activities - play sacred hymns, buy paintings of the Savior and place them around, but most importantly, he needs to utilize the power of the Atonement. He needs to decide he not only can overcome but will overcome with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ (faith.) I hope this helps!

[drtanner]

Some other great thoughts:

Elder Bednar
A person will not break the law of chastity if they truly understand what it means to be of the "seed of Abraham"

President Nelson
"I promise that as you daily immerse yourself in the Book of Mormon, you can be immunized against the evils of the day, even the gripping plague of pornography and other mind-numbing addictions."

At a recent training session for General Authorities, the question was asked: “How can we help those struggling with pornography?”
President Nelson stood and replied, “Teach them their identity and their purpose.”

Elder Scott
"Immerse yourself in searching for your ancestors, prepare their names for the sacred vicarious ordinances available in the temple, and then go to the temple to stand as proxy for them to receive the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. As you grow older, you will be able to participate in receiving the other ordinances as well. I can think of no greater protection from the influence of the adversary in your life."

[BackBlast]

Dos

Accept Christ into your life, repent of your other sins and seek the mighty change.
In particular, divulge yourself of selfishness in all it's forms. Pornography is rooted in selfishness.

[gardener4life]

I have a friend who was also addicted. Safety rules help but are not sufficient alone:

Dont's:

Don't go online when your family / roommates are asleep
Don't take your phone / tablet into the bathroom
Put your computer in a public place
etc.

Dos:

Daily scripture study and prayer
Wholesome, planned activities
Wholesome music
Uplifting motivational / sacred paintings / pictures etc.
Get a blessing
See the Bishop
Set Goals

Focusing on the why behind pornography is evil:

1 Contributing to the demand of sin
2 Weakening your own spirit and ability to feel the spirit
3 Objectifying the act making it carnal rather than spiritual / emotional
4 Subjecting oneself to something that is highly addictive

That third point is huge and is what I've tried to instill in my sons. Pornography will desensitize a man - whether he is married or single - to a sacred union. His wife or future wife will be wanting a deep spiritual and emotional connection and will only see his participation on a carnal level. He is robbing her and himself of what marriage relations should be.

The fourth point is easy for those who aren't addicted - you can't become an alcoholic if you never take your first drink.

And personally my favorite reason I have shared with my friend and my sons:

Pornography is a waste of time. A man will get himself all worked up over something that is completely counterfeit and will feel ultimately unfulfilled. So he will be desensitizing himself to the sacred emotional and spiritual nature of sex to his and his wife's detriment with something that is a complete waste of time.

Obviously that's all easier said than done for someone who is addicted. If he can't afford a counselor, well, he should be going to the Bishop anyway, who is free! He needs to set rules and follow them. He needs to come up with a plan. He needs to fill his life with wholesome activities - play sacred hymns, buy paintings of the Savior and place them around, but most importantly, he needs to utilize the power of the Atonement. He needs to decide he not only can overcome but will overcome with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ (faith.) I hope this helps!

I like how Alaris emphasized the dos. I liked the others' comments to.

[brianj]

The main reason for addictions is unmet needs. Unfortunately identifying those unmet needs can be as pleasant as having a bandage ripped off a wound or having a bone that healed improperly broken so it can be set. It requires a lot of uncomfortable introspection and questioning.

[The Airbender]

He needs to cast out the evil spirits that are the driving force behind the addiction and then do a deep soul-searching to figure out what the negative emotions and traumas he has inside him that let the evil entities affect him so. I would recommend the Theta Wellness Center in Sandy Utah.

The addiction to pornography is not his real problem. It's not even his weakness. He needs to go to the Lord and ask to be shown his weakness. If the Lord were to take away the addiction without him discovering his weakness, it would defeat the purpose and he would not have learned what he is supposed to learn.

[XEmilyX]

Lack of goals, and things to consume time. A need to feel stimulated when bored. Boredom seems to be a culprit. Sometimes people use it to try and fill holes inside, which of course doesn't work.
Lack of vision. If you don't know where you're going it doesn't matter where you step.
Lack of reading the scriptures.

[MMbelieve]

Guys can chose any number of things to do but the question is...why is pornography chosen over other things?

Why not drink, smoke, do drugs?

Because it's something were not supposed to do I assume, but so is pornography. Hinkley warned to never ever touch it as it's a plague.

Is it because it's SECRET? They can do it and hide it?

[Alaris]

Guys can chose any number of things to do but the question is...why is pornography chosen over other things?

Why not drink, smoke, do drugs?

Because it's something were not supposed to do I assume, but so is pornography. Hinkley warned to never ever touch it as it's a plague.

Is it because it's SECRET? They can do it and hide it?

I try to explain this to my wife, but you just can't understand what it's like to be a man without being one. I have two daughters, and my oldest is 9. When my nine year old wants to go outside wearing low cut shorts, I say, "Nope. Go change." She looks at me like I've grown antlers. Trying to explain to a woman how men are is not something a woman can ever truly fully understand - so trying to explain to a nine year old the why behind the low cut shorts in 110 degree weather - well let's just say I'm open to tips here. It's hard enough to explain to my wife!

Let me get back to your question. While searching online for this or that, you won't see an ad for smoking that endangers you from breaking the word of wisdom by clicking on it. An ad can take a man struggling to overcome pornography and trigger an immediate response and violation of the law of chastity by clicking on that inappropriate ad or by ogling. Heck, it will trigger a response in any man - that's how God designed men. They will react instantly and involuntarily to visual stimuli, which is why what happens next is paramount. Do you overcome those stimuli or do they overcome you? This is why modesty is so important. And, this is why President Hinckley so vehemently warned against pornography (I guess vehemently can be used for a good purpose! )

[MMbelieve]

Guys can chose any number of things to do but the question is...why is pornography chosen over other things?

Why not drink, smoke, do drugs?

Because it's something were not supposed to do I assume, but so is pornography. Hinkley warned to never ever touch it as it's a plague.

Is it because it's SECRET? They can do it and hide it?

I try to explain this to my wife, but you just can't understand what it's like to be a man without being one. I have two daughters, and my oldest is 9. When my nine year old wants to go outside wearing low cut shorts, I say, "Nope. Go change." She looks at me like I've grown antlers. Trying to explain to a woman how men are is not something a woman can ever truly fully understand - so trying to explain to a nine year old the why behind the low cut shorts in 110 degree weather - well let's just say I'm open to tips here. It's hard enough to explain to my wife!

Let me get back to your question. While searching online for this or that, you won't see an ad for smoking that endangers you from breaking the word of wisdom by clicking on it. An ad can take a man struggling to overcome pornography and trigger an immediate response and violation of the law of chastity by clicking on that inappropriate ad or by ogling. Heck, it will trigger a response in any man - that's how God designed men. They will react instantly and involuntarily to visual stimuli, which is why what happens next is paramount. Do you overcome those stimuli or do they overcome you? This is why modesty is so important. And, this is why President Hinckley so vehemently warned against pornography (I guess vehemently can be used for a good purpose! )

With all due respect, I really don't think men and women are all that different. A good looking guy has an effect on women too. We just don't show it as much.

It's too hard to explain to a 9 year old girl because she doesn't know yet. Have to teach without shaming her just for being a girl. This is why young men need to be taught as well. Men's chastity and thoughts are not to be placed on the shoulders of women.

I do agree, modesty is VERY important.

[brianj]

Lack of goals, and things to consume time. A need to feel stimulated when bored. Boredom seems to be a culprit. Sometimes people use it to try and fill holes inside, which of course doesn't work.
Lack of vision. If you don't know where you're going it doesn't matter where you step.
Lack of reading the scriptures.

Spoken like someone who would rather judge than look at the real causes of problems.

[MMbelieve]

Lack of goals, and things to consume time. A need to feel stimulated when bored. Boredom seems to be a culprit. Sometimes people use it to try and fill holes inside, which of course doesn't work.
Lack of vision. If you don't know where you're going it doesn't matter where you step.
Lack of reading the scriptures.

Spoken like someone who would rather judge than look at the real causes of problems.

There were some truthful statements there. Can you inform us why you or others may chose to use pornography so people are not considered judgemental?

[brianj]

Lack of goals, and things to consume time. A need to feel stimulated when bored. Boredom seems to be a culprit. Sometimes people use it to try and fill holes inside, which of course doesn't work.
Lack of vision. If you don't know where you're going it doesn't matter where you step.
Lack of reading the scriptures.

Spoken like someone who would rather judge than look at the real causes of problems.

There were some truthful statements there. Can you inform us why you or others may chose to use pornography so people are not considered judgemental?

The post implies that a guy is only turning to porn because he's a bad person. He's a lazy person who doesn't have any goals or anything better to do. He doesn't read scriptures enough or know his divine nature.

I know people (not LDS so open about porn usage) who have six, even seven figure incomes. Who hare very ambitious with big goals. When I was in an elders quorum presidency, one of the counselors was very open about the porn addiction he had struggled to overcome. He was active duty military in a special forces unit, so he obviously has lofty goals and limited free time. He read the scriptures regularly and he had a vision, but the he started using porn because of important unmet needs in his life.

The one part that was correct was filling a void.

[abijah]

The sex drive is what compels a man to find a wife and have children, fulfilling the first commandment God ever gave him.

Pornography is a snare the devil uses to subvert this, satisying a man’s urges while precluding the keeping of the commandment.

edit: when I say “man”, I mean women too. Daughters of God who struggle with pornography need not feel they are “well beyond messed-up”, as my cousin put it.

[The Airbender]

The sex drive is what compels a man to find a wife and have children, fulfilling the first commandment God ever gave him.

Pornography is a snare the devil uses to subvert this, satisying a man’s urges while precluding the keeping of the commandment.

edit: when I say “man”, I mean women too. Daughters of God who struggle with pornography need not feel they are “well beyond messed-up”, as my cousin put it.

That wasn't what led me to want to marry.

[abijah]

The sex drive is what compels a man to find a wife and have children, fulfilling the first commandment God ever gave him.

Pornography is a snare the devil uses to subvert this, satisying a man’s urges while precluding the keeping of the commandment.

edit: when I say “man”, I mean women too. Daughters of God who struggle with pornography need not feel they are “well beyond messed-up”, as my cousin put it.

That wasn't what led me to want to marry.

In a post I made not only hours ago in another thread, I related the fact that all true principles have their physical and spiritual counterparts.

I assume you mean you married your spouse for deep, true love. I fully agree with you, this is the basis & object of a happy, functional union. As the heavens are higher than the earth, the heavenly basis of attraction is higher than the earthly. I only meant to point out that that the earthly, is in fact patterned after the heavenly.

[Rose Garden]

I heard from a reliable source (Facebook) that all addiction is caused by a lack of connection with other people. Regardless of the source, I think there might be something to that, particularly with pornography.

I actually think that one of the most effective things you can do to overcome addiction of any type is to stop trying to stop doing it. Stop beating yourself up for it. If you are going to do it whether you think it's wrong or right, then just accept that and do it. The mentality of thinking you shouldn't be doing something while you are doing it creates an energy that makes it even more difficult to give it up. It's better to say, even though I am (participating in my addiction) right now, I'm still an acceptable child of God. It's the truth and the most powerful one I know that can set you free.

The second more powerful tool I know to overcome addiction is to try to add the thing in your life that you are missing that causes you to turn to the addiction. You may need to think about it for a while to understand what it is you really need. Once you figure it out, you just need to add a small amount of whatever that is every day. The positive power of that will often naturally turn your heart away from the addiction to the wholesome and you'll find yourself wanting to do more of the wholesome things and less of the addictive things because your true needs are being met.

I can't say for sure because I've never been addicted to porn, but my understanding is that it is a substitute for a meaningful relationship with women (or the opposite sex). Your friend might benefit from spending time with his wife in relationship building activities (not necessarily sexual activities) if he has a wife. If he doesn't maybe he can connect with other women in his life in respectful ways. Porn objectifies women so the opposite of that would be seeking to build relationships with women that honor their humanity, like having meaningful conversation with them or finding ways to serve them.

[oneClimbs]

Did you know that C.S. Lewis weighed in on this? His perspective is really interesting and should be shared.

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself… And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination.

The true exercise of imagination, in my view, is (a) To help us to understand other people (b) To respond to, and, some of us, to produce, art. But it has also a bad use: to provide for us, in shadowy form, a substitute for virtues, successes, distinctions etc. which ought to be sought outside in the real world—e.g. picturing all I’d do if I were rich instead of earning and saving. Masturbation involves this abuse of imagination in erotic matters (which I think bad in itself) and thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.” – Letter C. S. Lewis sent in 1956 to Keith Masson

[ElizaRSkousen]

I would say that Mormons HIGHLY contribute to the serious sex addiction our world has today because of the claim that some things (which HAVE been said to be sins in the past) are now "godly" and "ordained" and "between you and the lord" which is absolutly false. You cant worship sex and God at the same time. As soon as you let one perversion in, (for example, birth control) you can weasle your way into it all, and it becomes far too easy to turn to pornography. (To be honest, even explicit pornography isnt so different from what I've heard from female mormon sex therapists to be 'healthy' and 'how our heavenly mother does it'.)

GARBAGE.

Edit: My father has been addicted to porn his whole life. I dont think my Mother's innoccent but failed efforts to 'righteously' appeal to his manly lusts has helped one bit.

[XEmilyX]

Lack of goals, and things to consume time. A need to feel stimulated when bored. Boredom seems to be a culprit. Sometimes people use it to try and fill holes inside, which of course doesn't work.
Lack of vision. If you don't know where you're going it doesn't matter where you step.
Lack of reading the scriptures.

Spoken like someone who would rather judge than look at the real causes of problems.

Uhm, those are some of the real problems. Yes, there's others like some stuff others have posted, but mine are just as valid. I know someone that struggled with it And these were some main problems they had.

[gardener4life]

Some other great thoughts:

Elder Bednar
A person will not break the law of chastity if they truly understand what it means to be of the "seed of Abraham"

President Nelson
"I promise that as you daily immerse yourself in the Book of Mormon, you can be immunized against the evils of the day, even the gripping plague of pornography and other mind-numbing addictions."

At a recent training session for General Authorities, the question was asked: “How can we help those struggling with pornography?”
President Nelson stood and replied, “Teach them their identity and their purpose.”

Elder Scott
"Immerse yourself in searching for your ancestors, prepare their names for the sacred vicarious ordinances available in the temple, and then go to the temple to stand as proxy for them to receive the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. As you grow older, you will be able to participate in receiving the other ordinances as well. I can think of no greater protection from the influence of the adversary in your life."

I really liked that President Nelson quote there. I pray it holds true for all of us.

[The Airbender]

The sex drive is what compels a man to find a wife and have children, fulfilling the first commandment God ever gave him.

Pornography is a snare the devil uses to subvert this, satisying a man’s urges while precluding the keeping of the commandment.

edit: when I say “man”, I mean women too. Daughters of God who struggle with pornography need not feel they are “well beyond messed-up”, as my cousin put it.

That wasn't what led me to want to marry.

In a post I made not only hours ago in another thread, I related the fact that all true principles have their physical and spiritual counterparts.

I assume you mean you married your spouse for deep, true love. I fully agree with you, this is the basis & object of a happy, functional union. As the heavens are higher than the earth, the heavenly basis of attraction is higher than the earthly. I only meant to point out that that the earthly, is in fact patterned after the heavenly.

It is a longer story than I feel like getting into at the moment. However, I suppose you could look at it two ways. The way I see it is that there is a difference in the energy of the sex drive and the energy of wanting to be near, to touch, hold hands, embrace, etc. The latter is the force that binds, at least in my life.

I suppose you could look at it in a second way and say that ALL of that is sexual energy. I don't feel it is, but some people might have different experiences.

[Thinker]

I heard from a reliable source (Facebook) that all addiction is caused by a lack of connection with other people. Regardless of the source, I think there might be something to that, particularly with pornography.

I actually think that one of the most effective things you can do to overcome addiction of any type is to stop trying to stop doing it. Stop beating yourself up for it. If you are going to do it whether you think it's wrong or right, then just accept that and do it. The mentality of thinking you shouldn't be doing something while you are doing it creates an energy that makes it even more difficult to give it up. It's better to say, even though I am (participating in my addiction) right now, I'm still an acceptable child of God. It's the truth and the most powerful one I know that can set you free.

The second more powerful tool I know to overcome addiction is to try to add the thing in your life that you are missing that causes you to turn to the addiction. You may need to think about it for a while to understand what it is you really need. Once you figure it out, you just need to add a small amount of whatever that is every day. The positive power of that will often naturally turn your heart away from the addiction to the wholesome and you'll find yourself wanting to do more of the wholesome things and less of the addictive things because your true needs are being met.

I can't say for sure because I've never been addicted to porn, but my understanding is that it is a substitute for a meaningful relationship with women (or the opposite sex). Your friend might benefit from spending time with his wife in relationship building activities (not necessarily sexual activities) if he has a wife. If he doesn't maybe he can connect with other women in his life in respectful ways. Porn objectifies women so the opposite of that would be seeking to build relationships with women that honor their humanity, like having meaningful conversation with them or finding ways to serve them.

Good ideas. I imagine there’s truth in addictions stemming from lack of social connections. Research has also shown that social connections - both casual among strangers in line etc... & more intimate connections - proved to have more effect on longevity than diet, even heart disease, and other factors.

I think of neglected children addicted to sucking their fingers. Addiction may begin as an attempt of self-soothing.

Also, it may not help to keep hearing “STOP THINKING ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT! Shame on you for thinking about a pink elephant when you have been repeatedly told not to!”

[Obrien]

I have a friend who has an addiction, he's had it many years, before the internet he used to buy magazines, now he just uses the internet, he's been on the addiction recovery program many times, he has had moderate success in staying away from it but he always goes back to it, like a dog returning to its own vomit, now he is trying to address the real reason the underlying reason of why he needs to view it, he can't afford to go to a counsellor. I don't know what I can do to help him in his quest to be free from this addiction which seems to strangle the life out of him, he fights each and every day. Any ideas?

https://conquerseries.com/
I have no direct experience with this program, but I've heard it has helped many people overcome this proclivity.