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Humor - what's so funny?
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Re: Humor - what's so funny?
From https://www.et.byu.edu/~tom/jokes/Noah.html
And the Lord said to Noah, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet he code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission.
Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.
Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being.
Eighth, the Army Crops of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years," wailed Noah.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "The Democrats already have."
And the Lord said to Noah, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet he code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission.
Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.
Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being.
Eighth, the Army Crops of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years," wailed Noah.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "The Democrats already have."
- Fred
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7789
- Location: Zion
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
Another reason that not a single demonicrat will obtain the Celestial Kingdom. Not even the frauds that gave each other the second anointing.Lemarque wrote: ↑January 26th, 2023, 4:12 pm From https://www.et.byu.edu/~tom/jokes/Noah.html
And the Lord said to Noah, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet he code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission.
Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.
Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being.
Eighth, the Army Crops of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years," wailed Noah.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "The Democrats already have."
- Niemand
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 14231
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
GAs' theme songs
The Russell Song
The Russell Song
Bang a Gong (Get it On)
Der Dieter Song
Golden Eyring
The Oaks
- Momma J
- captain of 1,000
- Posts: 1515
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
Last night I took a shower and went to bed with a towel wrapped around my wet hair. This morning I looked in the mirror and laughed, shrugged my shoulders and went to work. Hair is flat on one side and sticking up straight on the other side.
I am "usually" well put together... but today, this messed up look seemed to fit my mood so I went with it.
I am getting so much attention... in the form of sympathy, hugs, offers to assist me ...
"Can I get you anything?"
"Are you doing OK?"
"Do you need help with that project?"
Yes, this look really is working for me.
I am "usually" well put together... but today, this messed up look seemed to fit my mood so I went with it.
I am getting so much attention... in the form of sympathy, hugs, offers to assist me ...
"Can I get you anything?"
"Are you doing OK?"
"Do you need help with that project?"
Yes, this look really is working for me.
- madvin
- captain of 1,000
- Posts: 1134
- Location: Stillwater OK
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
No pic? Darn...Momma J wrote: ↑January 27th, 2023, 7:22 am Last night I took a shower and went to bed with a towel wrapped around my wet hair. This morning I looked in the mirror and laughed, shrugged my shoulders and went to work. Hair is flat on one side and sticking up straight on the other side.
I am "usually" well put together... but today, this messed up look seemed to fit my mood so I went with it.
I am getting so much attention... in the form of sympathy, hugs, offers to assist me ...
"Can I get you anything?"
"Are you doing OK?"
"Do you need help with that project?"
Yes, this look really is working for me.
- Momma J
- captain of 1,000
- Posts: 1515
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
Shamelessly highjacked photo. (Not me, but the resemblance is uncanny!)
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- Thinker
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 13132
- Location: The Universe - wherever that is.
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
Momma J wrote: ↑January 27th, 2023, 7:22 am Last night I took a shower and went to bed with a towel wrapped around my wet hair. This morning I looked in the mirror and laughed, shrugged my shoulders and went to work. Hair is flat on one side and sticking up straight on the other side.
I am "usually" well put together... but today, this messed up look seemed to fit my mood so I went with it.
I am getting so much attention... in the form of sympathy, hugs, offers to assist me ...
"Can I get you anything?"
"Are you doing OK?"
"Do you need help with that project?"
Yes, this look really is working for me.
We call it the Hair fairy.
This lady was rushing to get ready to give a talk in church. She was relieved when it was over but was wondering why people were looking at her strange, until she got home & looked in the mirror. Her usual routine for fixing her hair was to blow dry it up and out and spray & then style it - to give it more body. Only she forgot to style it back down. She asked her husband, “How could you let me go out like this?” He replied, “I assumed that was the style you wanted.
- FoxMammaWisdom
- The Heretic
- Posts: 3796
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Re: Humor - what's so funny?
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- Cruiserdude
- Level 34 Illuminated
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- Niemand
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 14231
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
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- Momma J
- captain of 1,000
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Re: Humor - what's so funny?
all three in our house.
Pappa J folds them in the #1 style.
I refold them in the #2 style so that they will fit better on the shelf (but I never tell him that I do this as I don't want him to stop folding laundry!)
I roll up a select few to put in the basket in the "spa" bath. (OK.... that is what I like to pretend it is)
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- captain of 50
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Re: Humor - what's so funny?
Take #1 off the table. That is a frat boy fold.
#2 is ideal for the closet.
#3 works great in a basket.
- FoxMammaWisdom
- The Heretic
- Posts: 3796
- Location: I think and I know things.
- Cruiserdude
- Level 34 Illuminated
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- Location: SEKS
Re: Humor - what's so funny?
We're not OCD or picky... We just prefer things done the correct way