Humor - what's so funny?

[Thinker]

Someone sent me this because when I play tennis (or practically any sport) I can’t help but notice how sport moves have been borrowed in dance moves. 2-for-1 deal!

https://youtube.com/shorts/nhaylW_C-mA?feature=share

[Niemand]

.

[madvin]

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE. IN THE NEW AMERICA.

Hi, I’m Martin Ransom, former adjunct instructor in Minority Studies at the Duck University of Louisiana. I’m now the president of Online North-South-East-West University. See this maroon robe I’m wearing? I’m an academic.

Are you a member of an underserved community longing to be the first person in your family to graduate from college? And do you have $1500?

Our University can print up and mail you a PhD diploma in the field of your choice. It’s handsomely framed in black plastic.

You don’t even need a high school diploma.

Listen closely. Here’s how it works.

We now know, through careful research, that an AI can compose an acceptable PhD thesis in three minutes. This is a given.

So why should you write it?

You only need to demonstrate you can use AI.

We have a 30-second online test you can take today. If you pass and thus prove you CAN navigate an AI…you have your PhD. And you don’t need to have the AI turn out the thesis. Because we know it COULD.

This is an amazing breakthrough.

You pay a $1500 processing fee and you’re a PhD.

You, your family, and friends can hold a celebration and weep with joy, when your PhD diploma arrives in the mail.

I’M A DOCTOR NOW.

That’s what you can tell your friends.

For an additional $79.95, we’ll print business cards with your name, and your new title.

Imagine walking around your neighborhood as a full PhD.

Last year, you were living in some hellhole a million miles away from America in Africa or the Middle East or Asia. A week from now, you’ll stroll through the streets of Detroit or Dayton as an esteemed doctor.

Someone approaches you in awe and asks you a question? Use AI and come up with the answer in seconds!

But wait. We have a post-doctoral program. You can publish studies in journals. We submit the studies for you. Click-click, you just had AI compose the paper. Beep-beep, the journal publishes it under your name.

You’re in print.

Some of our graduates have published editorials and articles in newspapers. They’re doctors AND journalists.

For instance, Dr. Mario Celphis just reported on his study of genetically engineered mice who received a new cancer drug. His article was published by the Washington Post.

One of our doctors, Alice Washburn Cauldron, is now working at NASA preparing the new Shepherd Diversity rocket for its journey to Saturn.

Your future is in your hands.

We’re working with the US Department of Education, and they’ve confirmed you can hold a position as a doctor while still receiving federal benefits.

If you decide to enlist in the military, you’ll receive an officer’s commission upon entry, bypass basic training, and win an assignment to an administrative post at a base in America.

Of course, here at North-South-East-West, we have many openings for doctors in our marketing and sales departments.

Breaking news! We’re now in discussions with the FDA. It’s possible, by Christmas, that our graduates will be able to diagnose illness and prescribe medications on a limited basis. Particularly psychiatric drugs, because our nation is in the midst of a mental health crisis.

Imagine sitting in a large well-lit drug store near your home interviewing people off the street, diagnosing them with ADHD and clinical depression, and writing scripts for Adderall, Zoloft, and Paxil. You’ve seen mentally ill people all around you in your community. Now you can cure them!

There are so many benefits to our programs, I don’t have time to spell them all out.

They add up to RESPECT. Respect for you and your new position.

Operators are standing by. Call the number at the bottom of your screen. If you need assistance, ask a family member.

You’re there. We’re here. Let’s join hands and change the world.

I’m living proof our system works. I’m Dr. Martin Ransom, and I’m still on parole. That should tell you something.

-- Jon Rappoport

[madvin]

govt.jpg

[Silver Pie]

govt.jpg

EXACTLY!

[Fred]

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE. IN THE NEW AMERICA.

Hi, I’m Martin Ransom, former adjunct instructor in Minority Studies at the Duck University of Louisiana. I’m now the president of Online North-South-East-West University. See this maroon robe I’m wearing? I’m an academic.

Are you a member of an underserved community longing to be the first person in your family to graduate from college? And do you have $1500?

Our University can print up and mail you a PhD diploma in the field of your choice. It’s handsomely framed in black plastic.

You don’t even need a high school diploma.

Listen closely. Here’s how it works.

We now know, through careful research, that an AI can compose an acceptable PhD thesis in three minutes. This is a given.

So why should you write it?

You only need to demonstrate you can use AI.

We have a 30-second online test you can take today. If you pass and thus prove you CAN navigate an AI…you have your PhD. And you don’t need to have the AI turn out the thesis. Because we know it COULD.

This is an amazing breakthrough.

You pay a $1500 processing fee and you’re a PhD.

You, your family, and friends can hold a celebration and weep with joy, when your PhD diploma arrives in the mail.

I’M A DOCTOR NOW.

That’s what you can tell your friends.

For an additional $79.95, we’ll print business cards with your name, and your new title.

Imagine walking around your neighborhood as a full PhD.

Last year, you were living in some hellhole a million miles away from America in Africa or the Middle East or Asia. A week from now, you’ll stroll through the streets of Detroit or Dayton as an esteemed doctor.

Someone approaches you in awe and asks you a question? Use AI and come up with the answer in seconds!

But wait. We have a post-doctoral program. You can publish studies in journals. We submit the studies for you. Click-click, you just had AI compose the paper. Beep-beep, the journal publishes it under your name.

You’re in print.

Some of our graduates have published editorials and articles in newspapers. They’re doctors AND journalists.

For instance, Dr. Mario Celphis just reported on his study of genetically engineered mice who received a new cancer drug. His article was published by the Washington Post.

One of our doctors, Alice Washburn Cauldron, is now working at NASA preparing the new Shepherd Diversity rocket for its journey to Saturn.

Your future is in your hands.

We’re working with the US Department of Education, and they’ve confirmed you can hold a position as a doctor while still receiving federal benefits.

If you decide to enlist in the military, you’ll receive an officer’s commission upon entry, bypass basic training, and win an assignment to an administrative post at a base in America.

Of course, here at North-South-East-West, we have many openings for doctors in our marketing and sales departments.

Breaking news! We’re now in discussions with the FDA. It’s possible, by Christmas, that our graduates will be able to diagnose illness and prescribe medications on a limited basis. Particularly psychiatric drugs, because our nation is in the midst of a mental health crisis.

Imagine sitting in a large well-lit drug store near your home interviewing people off the street, diagnosing them with ADHD and clinical depression, and writing scripts for Adderall, Zoloft, and Paxil. You’ve seen mentally ill people all around you in your community. Now you can cure them!

There are so many benefits to our programs, I don’t have time to spell them all out.

They add up to RESPECT. Respect for you and your new position.

Operators are standing by. Call the number at the bottom of your screen. If you need assistance, ask a family member.

You’re there. We’re here. Let’s join hands and change the world.

I’m living proof our system works. I’m Dr. Martin Ransom, and I’m still on parole. That should tell you something.

-- Jon Rappoport

It wasn't AI that taught doctors to turn their brain off. Every doctor has a little book that fits nicely in his/her pocket. You tell the doc your symptoms and the doc asks the book what drug to prescribe. The doctor could lose his/her license if they think on their own. Somebody comes in for cancer. The doc says that will be three quarters of a million dollars from your insurance company and if you live through the chemo, we will do it again. Or you can change your diet and live happily ever after. But if the doctor recommends a change in diet is bye bye license. The American Medical Association does not even recognize homeopathy as legitimate.

[Silver Pie]

Spot on, Fred.

[madvin]

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE. IN THE NEW AMERICA.

Hi, I’m Martin Ransom, former adjunct instructor in Minority Studies at the Duck University of Louisiana. I’m now the president of Online North-South-East-West University. See this maroon robe I’m wearing? I’m an academic.

Are you a member of an underserved community longing to be the first person in your family to graduate from college? And do you have $1500?

Our University can print up and mail you a PhD diploma in the field of your choice. It’s handsomely framed in black plastic.

You don’t even need a high school diploma.

Listen closely. Here’s how it works.

We now know, through careful research, that an AI can compose an acceptable PhD thesis in three minutes. This is a given.

So why should you write it?

You only need to demonstrate you can use AI.

We have a 30-second online test you can take today. If you pass and thus prove you CAN navigate an AI…you have your PhD. And you don’t need to have the AI turn out the thesis. Because we know it COULD.

This is an amazing breakthrough.

You pay a $1500 processing fee and you’re a PhD.

You, your family, and friends can hold a celebration and weep with joy, when your PhD diploma arrives in the mail.

I’M A DOCTOR NOW.

That’s what you can tell your friends.

For an additional $79.95, we’ll print business cards with your name, and your new title.

Imagine walking around your neighborhood as a full PhD.

Last year, you were living in some hellhole a million miles away from America in Africa or the Middle East or Asia. A week from now, you’ll stroll through the streets of Detroit or Dayton as an esteemed doctor.

Someone approaches you in awe and asks you a question? Use AI and come up with the answer in seconds!

But wait. We have a post-doctoral program. You can publish studies in journals. We submit the studies for you. Click-click, you just had AI compose the paper. Beep-beep, the journal publishes it under your name.

You’re in print.

Some of our graduates have published editorials and articles in newspapers. They’re doctors AND journalists.

For instance, Dr. Mario Celphis just reported on his study of genetically engineered mice who received a new cancer drug. His article was published by the Washington Post.

One of our doctors, Alice Washburn Cauldron, is now working at NASA preparing the new Shepherd Diversity rocket for its journey to Saturn.

Your future is in your hands.

We’re working with the US Department of Education, and they’ve confirmed you can hold a position as a doctor while still receiving federal benefits.

If you decide to enlist in the military, you’ll receive an officer’s commission upon entry, bypass basic training, and win an assignment to an administrative post at a base in America.

Of course, here at North-South-East-West, we have many openings for doctors in our marketing and sales departments.

Breaking news! We’re now in discussions with the FDA. It’s possible, by Christmas, that our graduates will be able to diagnose illness and prescribe medications on a limited basis. Particularly psychiatric drugs, because our nation is in the midst of a mental health crisis.

Imagine sitting in a large well-lit drug store near your home interviewing people off the street, diagnosing them with ADHD and clinical depression, and writing scripts for Adderall, Zoloft, and Paxil. You’ve seen mentally ill people all around you in your community. Now you can cure them!

There are so many benefits to our programs, I don’t have time to spell them all out.

They add up to RESPECT. Respect for you and your new position.

Operators are standing by. Call the number at the bottom of your screen. If you need assistance, ask a family member.

You’re there. We’re here. Let’s join hands and change the world.

I’m living proof our system works. I’m Dr. Martin Ransom, and I’m still on parole. That should tell you something.

-- Jon Rappoport

It wasn't AI that taught doctors to turn their brain off. Every doctor has a little book that fits nicely in his/her pocket. You tell the doc your symptoms and the doc asks the book what drug to prescribe. The doctor could lose his/her license if they think on their own. Somebody comes in for cancer. The doc says that will be three quarters of a million dollars from your insurance company and if you live through the chemo, we will do it again. Or you can change your diet and live happily ever after. But if the doctor recommends a change in diet is bye bye license. The American Medical Association does not even recognize homeopathy as legitimate.

Exactly right. However, I think Rappaport's little diatribe refers to the doctorate, not necessarily MD.

[Thinker]

Shout out to our dear polygamy-fantasy-loving Luke and the others who love it subconsciously or otherwise.

[creator]

LOL

[Fred]

[Niemand]

Set up a thread about this:
viewtopic.php?t=72162

I was watching a couple of videos about nicknames. Here are a few nicknames of people I've known over the years. (Excluding rude ones.)


* Arsenic – My only dirty one. His real name is Nick, and he's a vicious gossip. I don't need to explain the first part.
* Bart – Real surname Simpson. He has hair that sticks up too.
* Conman – Real surname Conway, a bit of a chancer.
* Dog – Real surname Barker.
* Fungus, Fun Guy – Real name Fergus or Ferguson. Known a couple of these.


* Jaws – Real name George, and whenever he turns up to an event, he circles around, homes in on an unwitting victim and chews their ear off. (Also known as "the Mooth" (mouth)) for his one sided conversations)
* Jeans – Real name Denholm, pronounced "denim".
* Mucus – Real name Marcus, he coughed a lot too.
* Mungus – Real name Hugh. Because he's tall, i.e. humongous.
* Pedo – Real surname Pedersen. Also short for paedophile, but I don't think he's that type. Ouch!
* Sky – Real surname MacLeod (pronounced Ma Cloud)


* Termite – Real name Ant, short for Anthony. He's also a pest and turns up uninvited.
* Trunky – Real surname Rhodes. As in "trunk roads", which means a major route here.
* Windy – Real name Gayle/Gail, also a gossip.
* Mr. Zero – Real surname McNaught.

Here are a few ones I've heard from videos etc:
* Alarm – Real surname Warner.
* Anagram – Real name Gary Gray.
* Bunny – Real surname Warren.
* Charlie – Real surname Chaplin.
* Chalky – Real surname White/Whyte
* Elvis – Real surname Pressley.
* the Exorcist – A very bad DJ who can clear all the "spirits" from the dance floor within minutes.
* June – Real name Enda May.
* Keth – Real name Keith, but had an eye missing. (Similar joke with Bran, i.e. Brian)
* 18 months – Missing part of an ear, i.e. an 'ear and a half.
* Manbat – Real name Wayne Bruce.
* the Olympic Flame – Someone who never goes out.
* One Size – Real name Fitz Hall (footballer), i.e. One Size Fits All.
* Simba – from the Lion King, because this man's uncle murdered his dad. Ouch! (Hamlet would work here too.)
* Sly, Sly Pig, Sly Bacon – Real surname Cunningham
* Springboard – Real name Springfield.
* Two Soups – Real name Campbell Baxter (both soup brands.)



On the sitcom Only Fools and Horses, there is a character nicknamed Trigger... not because he has a gun, but because he looks like a horse.

[Niemand]

Four people I know went to a "cat café" last week. I think they paid £48 just for the booking and entrance fee.

I told them I could have saved them some money by taking them to a dog-friendly bar instead for free... and that I also knew a few cafés with mice and beetles in them. (One of them a few streets from here. It's been shut at least twice for its beetle problem.)

[abijah]

[abijah]

09C1F6A2-5650-4E32-8A71-967361097AFF.gif

[Thinker]

...

Hey, Niemand, do you understand these traffic controllers?

[Momma J]

Neighborhood funny (from my warped POV)

7-year-old neighbor is autistic. He does not talk but will run up and give me a hug and scurry off. He does not want a hug back as he does not like to be touched. He is always smiling when he comes by and will sometimes squat down low to the ground and watch me work in the yard for a few minutes. So innocent and so sweet.

His mother...... Oh My... she curses like a drunken sailor calling him every name in the book. She screams loud enough for the entire block to hear her.

He will grin and run circles around her, flying in and out of yards on the block. That boy is fast!

We have never heard him utter a word.... Until last night. Once again, his mother was cursing at him as he darted around my yard.

He ran past her and stopped, just out of her reach.... and repeated verbatim what she had just yelled at him. He then ran over and gave me a hug. Stood between his mother and me and just grinned.

It took every ounce of restraint that I could muster to keep from roaring with laughter.

She was so shocked.... she just kept saying over and over.... "You can talk!"

I came dangerously close to saying.... "Oh, his first words....!"

[abijah]

[abijah]

be safe out there aussies

[Niemand]

...

Hey, Niemand, do you understand these traffic controllers?

A lot of it:
* "Peely-wally" - Very pale or china white. Wallies also mean "false teeth" or things made out of porcelain, because false teeth look a bit like that. A wallie dug is a kind of china dog that old women would have above their fireplace or a windowsill.
* "A wee shuftie doon at the grun" - a look at the ground. Works.
* "Keebler" – don't know this one, not sure it's Scottish.
* "Hingmajig" - Thingamajig i.e. something or other.
* "Broon" - brown.
* "Windae" - Window. Not sure about ait the windae = at the window? Oot the windae = out of the window.

I don't tend to speak that broad these days but I can understand it. But I remember speaking to one of the American senior missionaries a few years ago about something and his wife said to him, "I didn't understand a word of that," as if I wasn't there. I was standing about four feet away. Great way to win people over! Apart from being rude, they would have encountered people with far stronger accents than mine. But I don't tend to speak how I write, and I've had some people assume I sound far posher/preppy than I do.

[Thinker]

A lot of it:
* "Peely-wally" - Very pale or china white. Wallies also mean "false teeth" or things made out of porcelain, because false teeth look a bit like that. A wallie dug is a kind of china dog that old women would have above their fireplace or a windowsill.
* "A wee shuftie doon at the grun" - a look at the ground. Works.
* "Keebler" – don't know this one, not sure it's Scottish.
* "Hingmajig" - Thingamajig i.e. something or other.
* "Broon" - brown.
* "Windae" - Window. Not sure about ait the windae = at the window? Oot the windae = out of the window.

I don't tend to speak that broad these days but I can understand it. But I remember speaking to one of the American senior missionaries a few years ago about something and his wife said to him, "I didn't understand a word of that," as if I wasn't there. I was standing about four feet away. Great way to win people over! Apart from being rude, they would have encountered people with far stronger accents than mine. But I don't tend to speak how I write, and I've had some people assume I sound far posher/preppy than I do.

Thanks for filling me in.
I love the Scottish accent! It’s probably good we communicate this way because I’d probably focus too much on how you’re speaking than what you’re saying.

[madvin]

lottery-voting.jpg

Both instances have one thing in common. Money.

[Thinker]

A disclaimer before a bit of venting with a comic… Everyone is stupid or ignorant - on some subjects. Still, I can’t help but see how painful consequences can be of stupidity. Then again, maybe there’s room to just laugh as Calvin does…

“WELCOME TO STUPIDOPOLIS” 🏙

[Fred]

I had to look around a bit, but I finally found it. An image that describes a person too stupid to be considered human.

too stupid to be human.jpg

[Chip]

This cracks me up: