Humor - what's so funny?

[Thinker]

Have you thought of, seen or done anything funny lately?
Laughter's good medicine - so please share so we can do some inner jogging with you.

As this is LDS forum - I'll start with some churchy bits:

"'Why don't you come to my church next Sunday?' The little boy asked. The other boy answered, 'Because I belong to another abomination.'"
"A minister asked a little girl what she thought of her first church service. She replied, 'The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.'"

[brianj]

Most of what I find funny isn't appropriate for an LDS discussion board. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

[Silver]

http://www.theonion.com/article/departm ... n-na-56749

Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut

WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project will bypass traffic congestion to allow for quicker arrival times across the U.S., the Department of Transportation on Thursday announced it was allocating $400 million for a national shortcut. “This funding will help provide an alternate route for all Americans currently struggling to make it to work or appointments on time,” said Secretary Elaine Chao, adding that the new countrywide shortcut would cut down on Americans’ average commute time by 20 minutes and even more during off hours. “It will be easy to access as long as you keep along the main road, turn right when you get to the gas station, and then make another right two miles later. You’ll have maybe two stop lights the whole way.” At press time, the Transportation Department was also drawing up plans for a $300 million scenic detour for more leisurely trips.

[Thinker]

Most of what I find funny isn't appropriate for an LDS discussion board. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Come on -you live in Utah county - you've got plenty to laugh about!

http://www.theonion.com/article/departm ... n-na-56749

Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut

WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project will bypass traffic congestion to allow for quicker arrival times across the U.S., the Department of Transportation on Thursday announced it was allocating $400 million for a national shortcut. “This funding will help provide an alternate route for all Americans currently struggling to make it to work or appointments on time,” said Secretary Elaine Chao, adding that the new countrywide shortcut would cut down on Americans’ average commute time by 20 minutes and even more during off hours. “It will be easy to access as long as you keep along the main road, turn right when you get to the gas station, and then make another right two miles later. You’ll have maybe two stop lights the whole way.” At press time, the Transportation Department was also drawing up plans for a $300 million scenic detour for more leisurely trips.

:ymapplause: :)) Where was this shortcut when we took a road trip a few years ago?
I love it - “It will be easy to access as long as you keep along the main road, turn right when you get to the gas station, and then make another right two miles later." Hick-version GPS...

...which reminds me of Tim Hawkins on gps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmqMWvEsgIY
Let's see - I'll just list all good clean comedy bits I can think of:
Brian Regan: Emergency Room https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP4zgb9H3Cg
Michael Jr.: What if you were a younger sibling of Jesus? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbP4KttZOcc
Sin Bad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lkosqRSU58

[Thinker]

And in case you need some new break-the-ice pick up lines...

"Did you fart? Because you blew me away!"

"My love for you is like diarrhea- I just can't hold it in."

"If you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

You're welcome. ;) The only thing I ask is that if you use these, to please share how it goes.

[Silver]

Most of what I find funny isn't appropriate for an LDS discussion board. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Come on -you live in Utah county - you've got plenty to laugh about!

http://www.theonion.com/article/departm ... n-na-56749

Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut

WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project will bypass traffic congestion to allow for quicker arrival times across the U.S., the Department of Transportation on Thursday announced it was allocating $400 million for a national shortcut. “This funding will help provide an alternate route for all Americans currently struggling to make it to work or appointments on time,” said Secretary Elaine Chao, adding that the new countrywide shortcut would cut down on Americans’ average commute time by 20 minutes and even more during off hours. “It will be easy to access as long as you keep along the main road, turn right when you get to the gas station, and then make another right two miles later. You’ll have maybe two stop lights the whole way.” At press time, the Transportation Department was also drawing up plans for a $300 million scenic detour for more leisurely trips.

:ymapplause: :)) Where was this shortcut when we took a road trip a few years ago?
I love it - “It will be easy to access as long as you keep along the main road, turn right when you get to the gas station, and then make another right two miles later." Hick-version GPS...

...which reminds me of Tim Hawkins on gps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmqMWvEsgIY
Let's see - I'll just list all good clean comedy bits I can think of:
Brian Regan: Emergency Room https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP4zgb9H3Cg
Michael Jr.: What if you were a younger sibling of Jesus? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbP4KttZOcc
Sin Bad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lkosqRSU58

Yeah, Brian Regan is excellent. The whole routine containing the Emergency Room bit is a tremendous knee-slapper.

[brianj]

Most of what I find funny isn't appropriate for an LDS discussion board. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Come on -you live in Utah county - you've got plenty to laugh about!

My humor is like food in Sudan. Not everybody gets it.

[Thinker]

As I recall, there are some Star Trek fans here, & this is for you - but we could all take it...

[Fiannan]

[brianj]

As I recall, there are some Star Trek fans here, & this is for you - but we could all take it...

How do you say it in Klingon? I can't paste the plaq'D in here, so here's Klingon using English characters:

qaparHa'qu'

You're welcome.

[brianj]

And since I haven't been tasteless enough...

[Robin Hood]

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

[onefour1]

[onefour1]

An Amish man, his wife and young son decide to go to the big city for the first time. They pull up in front of a big office building in their horse and carriage and enter the building. Once in the building, the three split up and go down separate hall ways. The young boy sees several people gathered in the hallway and they are all looking at the wall. Suddenly a passageway opens up in the wall and some people come out while those who were gathered enter the passageway and a magic door in the wall closes. The boy looks at the door and then looks above it and sees an arrow pointing to numbers and it starts moving from one number to the next.

The boy gets excited and goes and finds his dad and brings him to the magic passageway. His dad sees an older woman that looks like she is in her 60's starring at the wall. Suddenly the passageway opens up and the woman enters, and the door closes behind her. The boy points to the numbers above the door and his dad watches the arrow as it goes from 1 to 3. Then he sees it go from 3 back to 1. Suddenly the passage way opens up and a beautiful, young woman probably in her 20's steps out of the door.

The Amish man looks at his son and his son looks back at his dad. Then his dad says, "Go get your mother!"

[David13]

Generally, humor is a thing that is always done at someone's expense. If you look at the examples above, someone is basically mocked or ridiculed in the humor.

The important thing is, you have to be able to laugh at yourself. The jokes, the caricatures, the stereotypes, including all racial, ethnic, religious or other jokes are in some way based on a reality, or other truth. That's why they are funny, because in some way they can or might be true.

Men stand around trading insults. Because they are funny. But they don't mean it.

Women stand around trading compliments. But they don't mean it. It's their entertainment.

The only thing with no humor to me is that "mawage" clip above. I found that and could not stand more than 10 seconds of that. Not funny at all. For one thing, no one was paying for it. And that supposed "accent" or lisp or whatever was just blah. More than 10 seconds of it would have killed me, not in the dying of laughter sense, just in the bored to death sense.
dc

[The Airbender]

Generally, humor is a thing that is always done at someone's expense. If you look at the examples above, someone is basically mocked or ridiculed in the humor.

The important thing is, you have to be able to laugh at yourself. The jokes, the caricatures, the stereotypes, including all racial, ethnic, religious or other jokes are in some way based on a reality, or other truth. That's why they are funny, because in some way they can or might be true.

Men stand around trading insults. Because they are funny. But they don't mean it.

Women stand around trading compliments. But they don't mean it. It's their entertainment.

The only thing with no humor to me is that "mawage" clip above. I found that and could not stand more than 10 seconds of that. Not funny at all. For one thing, no one was paying for it. And that supposed "accent" or lisp or whatever was just blah. More than 10 seconds of it would have killed me, not in the dying of laughter sense, just in the bored to death sense.
dc

Is that true? I need to rethink everything any woman has ever told me.

[Thinker]

Generally, humor is a thing that is always done at someone's expense. If you look at the examples above, someone is basically mocked or ridiculed in the humor.

The important thing is, you have to be able to laugh at yourself. The jokes, the caricatures, the stereotypes, including all racial, ethnic, religious or other jokes are in some way based on a reality, or other truth. That's why they are funny, because in some way they can or might be true.

Men stand around trading insults. Because they are funny. But they don't mean it.

Women stand around trading compliments. But they don't mean it. It's their entertainment.

The only thing with no humor to me is that "mawage" clip above. I found that and could not stand more than 10 seconds of that. Not funny at all. For one thing, no one was paying for it. And that supposed "accent" or lisp or whatever was just blah. More than 10 seconds of it would have killed me, not in the dying of laughter sense, just in the bored to death sense.
dc

Is that true? I need to rethink everything any woman has ever told me.

I think it's more true between women. Personally, usually, I only give compliments when I genuinely mean them. But I have noticed that sometimes when I have, the woman will repeat the compliment to me and it seems like she thought I expected it in return but I didn't.

Anyway, Airbender, I'm sure you are an awesome, wonderful person - and all of the other compliments you received.

[Thinker]

[Thinker]

[Thinker]

[Thinker]

Hablas Espanol?
A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.

Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.

Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.

After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.

The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."


Degrees of Anger
A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name." The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father. "Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.

You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells. "Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again. "Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like." "Now you're going to hear exasperation." He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end. "Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"

I’ll get it
Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
http://www.bestcleanjokes.com/cleanjokes.htm

[Thinker]

[Thinker]

Cockatoo speaking nonsense
https://youtu.be/bUNECHCKWBc

[Fiannan]

[David13]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

dc