LDS Freedom Forum

This is a copy of a post I made on another thread, but I'm hoping it will be important enough for a separate post, that won't detract from the other one. It's an explanation of two different classes of people (everyone falls into one type or the other), and some of the communication and intimacy troubles they face. I hope it will serve as a catalyst for discussion. Do with it what you will!

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People come in two types. One type is an introverted thinker/extroverted feeler (I'm going to call them dolphins, which is from a different way I explain this), and the other type is an extroverted thinker/introverted feeler (I'll call them monkeys). I should say, everyone is both extroverted and introverted, it's really just a matter of which thoughts and feelings are extroverted, and which are introverted. In all people they get one of those traits extroverted and one introverted. Recently in helping others in their relationships (I probably get a few dozen calls a week), I have made a bit of a breakthrough in helping people understand some of their conflicts with others.

It's important to understand these two types of people (it gets WAY MORE COMPLICATED, but I'll keep it simple). Monkeys are forward driven people. They interact, they build, they move. They get things done, regardless of their feeling on the matter. They have feelings, but they are not expressed in the way that the dolphins are. Their feelings are locked up in what I call "the lock box." Extroverted Thinkers/Introverted Feelers (Dolphins) have a deep set of feelings inside them, but it's locked up good and tight. In order to interact with them on a meaningful, emotional level, you have to get all the tumblers of the lock to click. Put another way, think of it as a series of three switches. All of the switches have to be turned on, or they don't light up. The problem is that these monkeys will not open their emotion box unless all the switches are on. Not one, not two, ALL. And one the lock is unlocked, that person feels loved/happy/joy joy (etc.), and until it happens, they are just frustrated, and feel isolated and misunderstood. It's absolutely vital to understand, because some monkeys have big switches, some are small, some are easy to turn on, and some are REALLY difficult. And one the switches are on, some monkeys are happy for a long time, and some need the switches on a lot. They NEED THAT ONE (sorta) PERFECT MOMENT, and that makes their soul happy. It's very important to understand this, because it's why monkeys and dolphins have big problems in their relationships.

Dolphins (extroverted feelers/introverted thinkers), do not have a lock box, they have a gift box. Their gift box doesn't have any locks. It's a big (or small), empty hole. In order for dolphins to feel happy, you have to fill up their gift box. Preferably, they want happy things in there, but they feel like they are empty, just like the box, until it is filled. This is EXTREMELY important. Each and every single day that box is depleted, empty. Some people have big boxes, some have small boxes. But all dolphins have an open box, and you have to fill it up, to make them happy. It doesn't matter if you throw in expensive things, or cheap things, tomorrow that box WILL BE EMPTY.

This is important to understand, because monkeys eat bananas and dolphins eat fish. And Extroverted thinkers have locks on their emotions that only open under the right conditions, and Extroverted feelers have gift boxes that need things placed in them every day.

Let's look at this in a real life example. My mother is a monkey. Her mother is a dolphin. My mother went to great lengths to give my mom a special weekend together. They went out to eat, and to a movie and did "old lady things" as they call it. My mom was happy, my grandma was happy. The next day came. My grandma wanted to do more stuff. My mother did not. My mother was satisfied, because her lock box was opened, and then it shut again, waiting for the right circumstances to come again in a few weeks or months. But grandma was angry, because my mom didn't call the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. Because every single day, her box didn't get anything put in it. So my mom and grandma were both unhappy. My mom couldn't understand why she had to cater to my grandma everyday, and my grandma couldn't understand why my mom didn't want to go have fun anymore. It's because monkeys live on land, and dolphins live in the water. Monkeys drown in the world of extroverted feelers, and dolphins dry out and die in the land of extroverted thinkers.

Why this is important in marriage, is because the extroverted thinkers are "survivors." We're very resilient. We work, and we fight, and we don't give up. But inside we're big babies, and we want that ONE special person to come and unlock our strong box, to UNDERSTAND US.

Extroverted feelers need regular OUTWARD displays of intimacy. They want gifts, or nights out. Talking to them on an emotional level is like feeding dolphins bananas. They simply CANNOT understand why when they give the monkey some fish, the monkey eats bananas instead. It's because the monkeys don't value the briny fish, they like their sweet bananas. And the dolphins don't want the bananas either, because when the monkey sets them down for the dolphin, the dolphin doesn't understand that it's food.

This is important, because the metaphorical monkey and dolphins are attracted to the qualities of the opposing animal. There is a saying "Opposites attract, but they don't stay together." If a monkey and a dolphin marry, they will NEVER feel truly satisfied, not for long. It will be a daily struggle to feel cherished and understood. they can do it, but it will be a willful struggle, and a never ending personal battle. The monkeys can learn to swim, and the dolphins can learn to sit on the beach, but invariably, and always, the two animals will have to return home. Some people make these relationships work, but they ARE NEVER natural or easy. Once the passion dies down, these people are like real dolphins and monkeys. In completely different worlds. Then they usually eventually split up. Being on land tires dolphins, and swimming all day tires monkeys. (In psychology doing these unnatural things is called a "shadow function." Shadow functions ALWAYS drain you, and your true functions are easy and natural, like a dolphin swimming, or a monkey climbing a tree, natural functions are respectively easy and effortless.)

Now, monkeys and dolphins can learn to spend time and can even interact ok, but they'll always feel a little empty, or never quite understood. I believe that the atonement can solve these things, eventually, in eternity, but that for now, we can just make due. But not all people can just pick up and go, go, go. I can, I suspect you can. But it's important to understand that dolphins do not. Dolphins, while intelligent to not build things (like a monkey could). They live productive happy lives, but in their world, and in their way. For now, if a dolphin and monkey are married, they can learn to compromise by eating the bananas and the fish the other offers, and do the best they can. They can build a healthy life, but it will always drain them, and cause conflict, but they can do the best they are capable of. But I suspect the greatest problem of all, is that these two groups can't understand when the other is showing their love, like my mother and my grandma. It's for this reason that I wrote all this, because even I didn't fully understand the workings of the misunderstanding in my own marriage, because I didn't understand that I was a monkey, and my wife was a dolphin, for many, many years.

So I guess in closing, I would hope that people could learn more about themselves, and if they struggle with others, I hope they can learn more about these ideas. I might just create a post that's separate. But I think it's important to understand, that men aren't marrying, because if they are the extroverted thinkers, they are troubled by a system designed to take their mates, who are the ones they entrust with the combination to their lock box. And extroverted feelers prefer to deal with their virtual partners and surrogate intimacies (like hanging out), to risking a marriage that may leave them alone, isolated. Women can have these same fears, but government and church members coddle and provide temporally for women in ways that they will never do for men. So they are incentivized to exploit men, and men are punished for even trying, so much of the time.

I hope I've said something that adds value. I hope someone out there gets the message they might need. I so pray, in the Sacred Name of Jesus Christ, amen.

My mom is a dolphin and my dad is a monkey. I think I'm a dolphin but I'm not sure.

That was interesting. I'll have to read it again to get it straight. So in my relationship I'm more the one who keeps feelings hidden and my husband wears his emotions on his sleeve. I'd also say he is more of one who needs filling and I'm one that needs the perfect thing unlocked. So which is which, am I the monkey and he the dolphin?

SmallFarm wrote:My mom is a dolphin and my dad is a monkey. I think I'm a dolphin but I'm not sure.

Magnitude of the individual functions (Whether it's a primary, secondary, tertiary or quaternary function) can make it difficult for the novice to see which function they are. (These principles encompass entire schools of thought, but I originally was speaking mostly about the functions that deal with romance and intimacy). It took me a while to see, why some functions appear like others at first glance. One thing I have learned is a fairly good sign, is that usually Dolphins have a lot of decor in their house (it's an outward display of emotion, after all). Often the style of decor throughout their home varies widely, and very often it is made up of gifts that people have given them over their lifetime. My grandmother (A lead/primary extroverted feeler), has antiques and dolls and such, everywhere. One of my best friends who is weak extroverted feeler (last of his four functions) has a small "shrine" of little baubles and things. Extroverted feelers tend do give gifts, throw parties, and enjoy more grand events, holidays and birthdays. Often they display and set out things the physical objects that are important to them, to share with others.

Myself, my mother and some other introverted feelers I know (monkeys) live a pretty spartan life. We usually like art/decor, but if we have a cherished gift, or object, we usually want things to be in their proper place. Almost all of my furniture in my home matches in style and color, if I had my way, it would be all one color, lol. But my wife once pleaded with me about needing "accent colors" and I relented to a more diverse palette.We keep out cherished objects (if we have any) a box, in a cabinet, locked away, to take out only when we want to, and to protect otherwise. When I worked in an office, people would always complain how barren my desk would be (as a lead extroverted thinker--it's my dominant trait--we're mostly all business, all the time, lol). I had a family picture, but it wasn't out on display, but in my personal belongings. We usually don't display or make accessible the things that we really like, and we don't show anyone, except maybe a spouse, or very close person, etc., lest they be destroyed.

One thing I have found is that monkeys aren't really good at getting presents, and they don't really like giving them. (Another breakdown in communication).The meaningful emotional moments for them are likely to be some random card game, or small conversation they had, etc., that touches them deeply, inside, but not large, or well planned or overt occasions. It seems to make them uncomfortable to be in that setting. I have great difficulty to pretend I like a gift, when I don't. I really am grateful for the gestures, and I make a sincere "Thank you," but it never seems to please the dolphins, because we're worlds apart in expression. Just like sometimes I go to great lengths to find a perfect gift for a dolphin, and they open it, and think that's it's just an ordinary gift. You see this expressed in media, when say a hypothetical man gives a woman a candy bar on their 5th anniversary, and she's might be upset, until he explains to her that she's the sweetest thing in his life, and then she feels better, but still wished that she had gotten the nice photo frame she'd mentioned for 6 months, lol.

My dad tried to show love to my m om just before she died. My mom, being a practical monkey person, wanted socks, when my dad was courting her (my dad was a monkey too, but had lived with a dolphin wife for the preceding 24 years, so he gave gifts, because his ex would be irate if he didn't). So, when he proposed to my mom, he asked the kids, what my mom would want as a special gift. We told him, "socks. She's always asking for socks." He was incredulous. So he bought the ring, and stuffed it at the bottom of a box of socks. Then on some anniversary, like their sixth month of dating, he gave her the box of socks on their special night, the ring down inside. He thought she would flip out and say what a dumb gift it was, and his plan was then to surprise her with the ring in the bottom of the box. But she didn't get upset. She said, "Oh, great, socks! I've been needing socks, thanks," and set the box down, and went to make dinner (or whatever). He was so confused at having catered to a domineering dolphin for 24 years (not all dolphins are, but his ex was...assertive), that he mistakenly thought all women were that way. But they aren't. And so he had mistaken my monkey mom, for being like his dolphin ex wife. My mom didn't want extravagant surprises, and social barbecues, and big birthday parties, she just wanted quiet time to talk and socks, lol.

I have a neighbor couple that are a mix. She's a dolphin, he's a monkey. She's always inviting the neighborhood to their house, and he's manning the grill, trying to get away, lol. He likes one on one conversation, but doesn't want to entertain a group. She's worried about having a successful event, but doesn't really stop to have a deep conversation with any one person. He does the logistics and she does the inviting. I asked them about their relationship (because they are opposing types), and they told me that they had fought/argued fiercely so many times before, and she would leave and go to Walmart, telling him that she was leaving forever, and that he would run crying after her. But she didn't really mean it, she just wanted a break, like all dolphins do. And he chased after her, like all monkeys do. I think they've been together 10 years now, and she's learned to stop threatening to leave, and he's learned not to chase her around. But it's a definite struggle, and they're glad to meet a fellow mixed dolphin-monkey couple, so they finally can relate to someone, haha.

I've found that many dolphins prefer not to talk about deep subjects, or weighty things (it usually drains them), but they like to sit and watch the monkey's hash those things out, pondering this point or that point. The exception to their vocal reservations is that they're usually fast to tell you things that have emotional meaning to them, maybe their likes, or dislikes. They tend to have a lot of value judgements, about "good" and "just" and "beautiful," etc., they are often expressive of things that are not quantifiable, or objective.

Many extroverted thinkers (monkeys) have few or no value judgements. That doesn't mean we don't believe in good, and evil, or right and wrong, per se, we're just more focused on what works, what functions, what's logically put together, and what we can do with the information. A lot of times, people ask me, "Which of these things is best?" and invariably, I have to say, "What do you mean when you say, 'best'? I do not think in those terms, generally." For example, when asked, "Should I buy a saw, or a hammer?" I don't weigh them out as one being better. I simply list what the objective consequences of having a hammer are vs. having a saw. And I let them decide (that's why I get asked my opinion a lot). Also, many people I meet say things like, "You probably think I'm crazy, weird, etc." I don't have that type of emotional response. I also don't get embarrassed (I think I can count my life's embarrassing moments on maybe one hand). Other monkey's I know are the same. They do things that may seem unorthodox to the dolphins, but are no big deal to other extroverted thinkers. Something you might hear them/yourself saying is, "Well, as long as it works, so what if it's not how it's intended?" etc.

So in summary, the dolphins usually don't like to talk about philosophical subjects (though they like to listen and learn), but they do express their feelings to others, and the monkeys talk with others about politics, scientific debates, etc, but generally don't share their vulnerable feelings, if they even have them about a subject. Another way to think of it is in terms of depth. Dolphins think very deeply about one or a few subjects (they are often good at mastering gadgetry and equipment), and the Monkey's tend to think broadly, correlating everything, but may not think for very long about any one subject. They are often good with allocating resources and seeing potential problems because they see connections (at least for my type, it's a defining trait for us to see what's coming down the pipeline). Dolphins tend to be indecisive compared to the monkeys, too, but not always. They're usually trying to wait to decide until they can make a perfect decision and execute the perfect (another value judgement) plan, whereas the monkey's just try and do something, anything, and make it work as they go along, because they prefer to do something imperfect than to do nothing at all.

Sarah wrote:That was interesting. I'll have to read it again to get it straight. So in my relationship I'm more the one who keeps feelings hidden and my husband wears his emotions on his sleeve. I'd also say he is more of one who needs filling and I'm one that needs the perfect thing unlocked. So which is which, am I the monkey and he the dolphin?

If I understand you correctly, you would be the monkey and he would be the dolphin. I wrote a really lengthy post to my buddy SmallFarm, that helps more, but as I mentioned in that post, I didn't originally mean to wander so far into such a complex field, but I'm happy if it can help anyone. It's been extraordinarily helpful to me. I've learned why so many of my relationships have had difficult spots, and have been rectifying familial relationships right and left (trying to help my mom and grandmother get along is what inspired me to think of these analogies, I had to be able to relate behavioral concepts to a construction worker and a jeweler, lol).

One thing that you might often see, if you are really a monkey, and your husband a dolphin, is that if something's bothering him, it's VERY evident by his mannerisms, tone etc. He might be snappy, and you might ask, "Are you ok?" And he might respond, "Yeah I'm fine," but you can tell he is not. And you might ask and ask, but he won't tell you what's been bothering him.

And if conversely, you are upset, and wish he would pick up on your signals, but instead he wanders away, and never says anything, then you are right that you are opposites, and he's a definite a dolphin.

Dolphins tend to say, "I'm fine," (when they're not), and don't tell you what's wrong, but keep showing outwardly that something is wrong. You can ask, and ask, but they won't tell you. And Monkeys try and try to get them to share the problem, but they won't. And we monkey's usually have a good idea what the problem is (we're observant, and have done this many times), but they make us play the guessing game, because then they (the dolphin spouse) doesn't actually have to say it. We say it for them. "Did you have a bad day? Is your back hurting? Did you get into an argument? etc." we ask until we finally zero in on the right one. And usually the dolphins just want a hug (etc.) and to be left alone. But we monkey's want to
isolated, examine and solve the issue. But dolphins DON'T. they just want to go and play, and forget the problem ever existed.

But the dolphins also don't tend to genuinely ask others (especially monkeys) if something is wrong. Because they don't communicate that way. They probably know you're upset, and they might do a little chore or bring a gift, or flowers, etc., to make you feel better, but what you really might want is for them to just take ten minutes listen to what you have to say, and nod, and say it back like they paid attention, and feel like they understand that you're a real person, and not a virtual pet, with a set of buttons that will fix you, lol. Dolphins tend to treat monkey's like a robopet, pushing the "affection button" (like giving a hug), but not realizing that the monkey's need to air their thoughts. Dolphins calm down, monkey's fire up. And monkeys generally tell others what is wrong very readily, but if they say it two, three or four times, and it falls on deaf ears, and the other person doesn't address it (say, they ask a dolphin to quit leaving the toilet seat up), after saying it 400 times, they just quit bringing it up, but are fuming inside every time the darn thing is up, because they told them for 4 years straight how they didn't like it being left up, lol. And when the monkey's finally blow their tops, from repressing their unaddressed feelings, the dolphins say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, were did all of this come from?" and the monkey's are thinking "It's been here for the last four years, and I've told you a thousand times." LOL. Marriage is serious, but sometimes it's funny.

Since I'm a combo of both does that make me a

Molphin or a donkey??

jdawg1012 wrote:

Sarah wrote:That was interesting. I'll have to read it again to get it straight. So in my relationship I'm more the one who keeps feelings hidden and my husband wears his emotions on his sleeve. I'd also say he is more of one who needs filling and I'm one that needs the perfect thing unlocked. So which is which, am I the monkey and he the dolphin?

If I understand you correctly, you would be the monkey and he would be the dolphin. I wrote a really lengthy post to my buddy SmallFarm, that helps more, but as I mentioned in that post, I didn't originally mean to wander so far into such a complex field, but I'm happy if it can help anyone. It's been extraordinarily helpful to me. I've learned why so many of my relationships have had difficult spots, and have been rectifying familial relationships right and left (trying to help my mom and grandmother get along is what inspired me to think of these analogies, I had to be able to relate behavioral concepts to a construction worker and a jeweler, lol).

One thing that you might often see, if you are really a monkey, and your husband a dolphin, is that if something's bothering him, it's VERY evident by his mannerisms, tone etc. He might be snappy, and you might ask, "Are you ok?" And he might respond, "Yeah I'm fine," but you can tell he is not. And you might ask and ask, but he won't tell you what's been bothering him.

And if conversely, you are upset, and wish he would pick up on your signals, but instead he wanders away, and never says anything, then you are right that you are opposites, and he's a definite a dolphin.

Dolphins tend to say, "I'm fine," (when they're not), and don't tell you what's wrong, but keep showing outwardly that something is wrong. You can ask, and ask, but they won't tell you. And Monkeys try and try to get them to share the problem, but they won't. And we monkey's usually have a good idea what the problem is (we're observant, and have done this many times), but they make us play the guessing game, because then they (the dolphin spouse) doesn't actually have to say it. We say it for them. "Did you have a bad day? Is your back hurting? Did you get into an argument? etc." we ask until we finally zero in on the right one. And usually the dolphins just want a hug (etc.) and to be left alone. But we monkey's want to
isolated, examine and solve the issue. But dolphins DON'T. they just want to go and play, and forget the problem ever existed.

But the dolphins also don't tend to genuinely ask others (especially monkeys) if something is wrong. Because they don't communicate that way. They probably know you're upset, and they might do a little chore or bring a gift, or flowers, etc., to make you feel better, but what you really might want is for them to just take ten minutes listen to what you have to say, and nod, and say it back like they paid attention, and feel like they understand that you're a real person, and not a virtual pet, with a set of buttons that will fix you, lol. Dolphins tend to treat monkey's like a robopet, pushing the "affection button" (like giving a hug), but not realizing that the monkey's need to air their thoughts. Dolphins calm down, monkey's fire up. And monkeys generally tell others what is wrong very readily, but if they say it two, three or four times, and it falls on deaf ears, and the other person doesn't address it (say, they ask a dolphin to quit leaving the toilet seat up), after saying it 400 times, they just quit bringing it up, but are fuming inside every time the darn thing is up, because they told them for 4 years straight how they didn't like it being left up, lol. And when the monkey's finally blow their tops, from repressing their unaddressed feelings, the dolphins say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, were did all of this come from?" and the monkey's are thinking "It's been here for the last four years, and I've told you a thousand times." LOL. Marriage is serious, but sometimes it's funny.

LOL. Well, you just described my marriage, so maybe there is really something to what you are saying. I've noticed the difference in other couples too, like my Dad and his new wife, the new wife being really into gift giving and making sure she is treated fairly and "filled" so to speak.

So I have a question for you since you seem to have been observing this. What happens when you meet two dolphins who are married, or two monkeys. Is there any conflict there or do they get along beautifully?

Sarah wrote:LOL. Well, you just described my marriage, so maybe there is really something to what you are saying. I've noticed the difference in other couples too, like my Dad and his new wife, the new wife being really into gift giving and making sure she is treated fairly and "filled" so to speak.

So I have a question for you since you seem to have been observing this. What happens when you meet two dolphins who are married, or two monkeys. Is there any conflict there or do they get along beautifully?

Also, as a side note a funny thing about the dolphins, is that if they feel like they deserve something, and they aren't getting it, they will often take it! I have a friend (a monkey) who was dating a dolphin. One day the dolphin invited the monkey to dinner. The monkey agreed. When the check came, the dolphin said, "You should pay, since you never do anything for me," the monkey was angry. I can name a few more examples, but that's something people need to watch out for. It signals a fundamental lack of communication and understanding, when we get "conned" into "acts of affection." Another litmus test is if you're having a conversation with the other person and they appear bored, or unable to follow along. Because when a monkey and dolphin talk, the monkey's can talk forever jumping from topic to topic, and the dolphins are lost, because they can only follow one, maybe two topics, and they eventually overload, and let their minds wander.

What happens when you meet two dolphins who are married, or two monkeys. Is there any conflict there or do they get along beautifully?

Well, that depends. Obviously everyone has a very different set of life circumstances, which lead to smaller, but impactful personality differences, but the important lesson from the much bigger picture, is that we all have natural WAYS of experiencing and interpreting life (sensing, intuiting, thinking and feeling). No one can be both directions, though they can temporarily do that (Monkeys can swim, dolphins can be on the beach, but neither can stay their forever).

Everyone can temporarily perform a shadow function (ie, the introverted thinkers, can have a conversation for a while), but it drains us to do that, and we need an eventual recharge. Dolphins don't ever really have to leave water, and monkeys never have to go swimming. They CAN with effort, but it's not their basic nature. No one is both directions (introverted and extroverted in the same function), we're one or another, that's it. The stronger the trait, the more draining it is to do the opposite. (Hence my acknowledgement that I find gift giving difficult. I can obviously buy well thought out and intentioned gifts, but they are never as impactful for a dolphin as the most basic one purchased by a dolphin. What I think they want/could use, is not usually what they actually desire in a gift...like my mom wanting socks, not jewelry).

Two extroverted thinkers (monkeys), may not agree on a conclusion, but they are fine with fleshing it out until their either reach a consensus or at least are confident they other person understands their set of facts, because they inherently use a similar process for making decisions, for example. So they are at least going in the same general direction, even if their hobbies, preferences, etc. (intuition and sensing functions) may not match up. Two of the same type both want hugs, or both want to talk, or both relish giving each other gifts, etc. etc.

The problem with the mismatched monkey and the dolphin, is that they thrive in different environments. They're not even on the same metaphorical boat. They will always have a communication problem. That doesn't mean they CANNOT have a relatively happy relationship, it means they will always have their flashpoints of conflict around intimacy and communication, and that it will never be natural as with their own kind, in their own environment and will always be a struggle and compromise. It would be like the monkey living life in a submarine in the ocean, or a dolphin in a big pool. It's not natural, and it's not as satisfying, but that doesn't mean it can't work or that it isn't worth striving for. It just means that there has to be a perpetual, willful compromise of each of them visiting the habitat of the other, and using their shadow functions temporarily, or the relationship breaks down fast. And if they don't sacrifice willingly and often, the monkey will drown, or the dolphin will dry out on the beach, so to speak. Because they can't always live in the habitat of the other, and their batteries will always get drained when out of their natural element.

But going back again to your question: Is there any conflict there or do they get along beautifully?

The theoretical perfect romantic/mate match is for you to have the same thinking and feeling directions (ie. Introverted feeling/Extroverted Thinking), but that you have the hierarchy/magnitude reversed which usually results in being a great match for two of the types (there are 16 total), and a decent match for two more.

So, for example, I'm an ENTJ (We're the foremost extroverted thinkers, then we're introverted intuiters, then extroverted sensors, then lastly introverted feelers). So we're aptly termed as "bulldozers" or "supercommanders." We take action, and we do stuff. We understand stuff, we are busy and constructive, basically nonstop. Our perfect match includes say, the INFP, "the healer" they're usually artists, and hippy type people, incidentally least understood or valued by any of the other types. Like I mentioned before, this is really a more complicated field, but I'll do my best to explain it simply, so please bear with me.

INFP's are the most introverted of feelers (It's their first function), and their last function is extroverted thinking. So, one of my best friends is an INFP. We're both monkeys. You can think of him as the more lazy, hippie, artsy monkey, and I'm the bulldozing contractor monkey. But we both build and create things. He just paints on canvas, whereas I construct businesses, etc. He values my opinion, because my logical strength is his weakness, and his strong ties with his emotions help me understand and express my own (it's way, way down there on my priorities), but we both speak the same language. So in a hypothetical romantic match, those two types are perfect, because the subdued, placid monkey helps temper the bulldozing contracting monkey, getting the ENTJ to pause and appreciate the beauty of life, and not just the work, and the contracting monkey drives the hippie monkey off the couch and out into the world of creation, and helps the INFP make sense of things. So they feed off one another, and they move in the same direction.

Now, for the dolphins. So, I have an Uncle that moved in with my grandmother when his wife died, and everyone they meet think that are a married couple, which always seemed weird to our family. But I found out why, when I understood the functions. My Uncle is an ISTP (Lead introverted thinker, extroverted sensor, introverted intuiter, and extroverted feeler). The ISTP's are the master craftsmen (and my Uncle is a well know goldsmith in his community). THE ISTP's strong introverted thinking leads them to become an expert in their respective fields, but only in a relatively small number of subjects. They think deeply, but they have a hard time understanding the bigger picture. They kind of have a microscope, rather than a spyglass, if that helps. He doesn't talk much, but he does like to make small gestures, like he would take me camping and things as a boy-scout, or give me a pocketknife randomly as a kid, etc. He had an opinion about politics and such, and would only share them if he felt very strongly about something, and then it would only be one topic (say, gun control) but otherwise he rarely talked about anything at all, unless he was happily laughing, or very angry. He just sat at his bench and worked/built. He enjoyed the presence of company, and to this day still feels lost on days when my grandmother isn't working in the jewelry store with him (because he would be alone, which stymies the dolphins emotions, making him feel isolated because he can't share his emotions, while on the other hand, being alone stymies the monkey's ability to think and work, because they have to express their ideas to understand them, themselves). As a dolphin, he needs someone present with him all the time, just not to talk to, but to work with.

(As a side note, the monkey often has trouble watching small children for a long time, because they start to wish they could have an adult conversation, and almost explode with thoughts and ranting when they finally see and adult; while the dolphins usually love to play with children, but aren't very good intellectual mentors/advisers to them when they grow up. They often feel like they aren't sure what to say to their children facing tough decisions, which is where monkey's usually thrive, because they analyze more, and think of variables that others usually miss).

My grandmother, on the other hand is a different dolphin, who is the person who knows everyone. She is an ENFJ (the visionary). She is a lead extroverted feeler. You ALWAYS know how my grandmother feels. You cannot help but know if she is happy, or upset. You can hear it from 3 blocks away. She doesn't care much for politics, religion, etc., but she loves to laugh and give encouragement, etc. She'll usually know a couple of facts about something, but have no real idea how things work (because her introverted thinking is dead last on her function list). And her house is filled with trinkets and baubles, characteristic of the dolphins. Since the ENFJ's last function is introverted thinking, my grandmother is not incompetent, but she's not really a deep thinking person. But she knows EVERYONE, and is good at striking a particular emotion in them that she wishes to strike. You need a lawyer, she knows one, and will talk them in to helping you for half price, because they owe her some random twenty year old favor. Your tire went flat in the middle of nowhere, she know how to pour on the tears and get someone to take her 100 miles to the next station, etc. But she doesn't like or desire to discuss anything complicated. When she does talk, it's in generalities. She feels very uncomfortable, because she isn't a strong thinker, and her metaphorical microscope isn't that powerful. Some people dub people like her as having high "emotional intelligence" rather than traditional ideas of intelligence.

But because my uncle and grandmother have the same functionality directions, but different magnitudes, they are phenomenally well suited, socially, and in the business world, as mother and son. Because my Uncle is one of the best at his craft in the region, and can make just about anything, and my grandmother knows everyone, and is great at suggesting and selling things. And when they have a BBQ or whatever, nothing is missing, because my Uncle has perfected the task process and my grandmother has perfected the social process. So they have many, many friends.

So, I hope that clears that up for you. There are other important variables (sensing and intuition, but they largely have to do with decision making, hobbies, interests, etc., but the Thinking/Feeling functions are what drive intimate and romantic relations). But the bottom line, is that for a life long companion, you want someone of the same direction, but with a flopped magnitude of Thinking/feeling. Here's a chart that can help (it's an anonymous search engine link, sorry it's not more direct, I don't ever remember how to embed correctly):

https://ixquick-proxy.com/do/spg/show_p ... 6a46cb6f85

Thank you, that was all very interesting. I've taken these types of tests in the past but never thought about how my differences would affect my relationships. Unfortunately, I think we get stuck into thinking that we've tried everything we can think of to love the other, and we want to give up, but I have a testimony in what you pointed out in your first post, that these things can be overcome with the help of the atonement and having charity towards one another.

Hey cool! I think I'm a monkey. That would explain why I'm an awkward gift getter/giver and why my toes can wrap around thick branches. :-BD