Need parenting advice.

[Ruby]

I'm sorry he's going through this.
Since I don't know you or you son, I can only offer my uninformed opinion. It sounds like he is feeling stressed or anxious about something and home is a place where he can react to it. Does he feel overwhelmed or inadequate at school? Can you pinpoint times when it gets worse or better? He probably doesn't even know why he acts this way.

[mes5464]

I am no expert by any stretch but this is what we did.

Got rid of TV, video games, food coloring, and we only have sugars on a rare occasion.
Could also be learned behavior from other kids at school.

You might also consider Q96.

[Lizzy60]

I am no expert by any stretch but this is what we did.

Got rid of TV, video games, food coloring, and we only have sugars on a rare occasion.
Could also be learned behavior from other kids at school.

You might also consider Q96.

I agree that diet and media are the first places to start. A kid whose body is overwhelmed with sugar, soda (lots of chemicals) processed foods, junk foods, and then his brain is overwhelmed with video games and TV, really has a lot to deal with, on top of the pressures of school and pre-puberty.

I admire the fact that you are not looking for pharmaceutical medications for the answer.

[FSM]

I'm so glad I found this post. You know you will hear out of the box stuff with me but I would first when chaos starts you can try temporarily outlawing talking or greatly restrict it let them stay quiet for 30 minute. Now hears what really may work and probably covert don't let them know your doi g it. But it may be as simple as increasing serotonin. Ask yourself what time of the day the worst tension is. For example if hell usually brakes out at 6pm give them all a over the counter children's omega 3 gummy supplement at 5 pm. Then see what's happens. Walnuts, almonds also help our neurotransmitters.
if you think fear may help. Have a local adoption agency return your call and leave a message where the boy can "accidentally" hear it. Or go pick up some random advertisement from the adoption agency and leave it around the house. And aware you have no ideal where it came from. When he gets older tell him you always loved him but resorted to this joke of a strategy so he would be good. Then he could use it on his kids. sorry for the long post.

[passionflower]

-delete-

[Lizzy60]

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[passionflower]

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-delete-

[Obrien]

My Dad used TA on me and my 5 brothers, too. His version stood for "Tanned A$$". The discreet application of a leather belt worked wonders on us. I don't pretend to know if it would work on your boys.

eta - I was pleased to hear you took his door away after threatening to do so. So many parents make empty threats and don't have the will to follow through on the discipline. This error almost ensures future bad behavior since there is no consequence for bad actions. Random, capricious levels of punishment are not good for kids either - parents should lay out clear expectations, rewards and punishments. My $.02.

[dauser]

I'm having a lot of difficulty... my kids are great... sweet... caring... lovable... constantly criticizing... correcting each other. ... is just very unpleasant... negative about everything... nothing is fair... hypocrite... Argues... turns into this Tasmanian devil...stomps... really sensitive... learning disabilities....communication difficulties ... stressed about school... hates school. HELP ME!!!

Because you can only change yourself, take a good look in the mirror and find some or most of the above listed negative attributes in your own personality and life and then get on your knees and thank God for your weaknesses and imperfections...yes thank Him for being critical, hypocritical, unpleasant, argumentative, difficult, negative, stressed out and sensitive, sweet, caring and loving.

We are being hit hard by a lot of weaponed ideas, chemicals, frequencies, and entities from the unseen world.... that are very irritating... you and your peeps are under attack. Know and enjoy the onslaught and help the children to know enjoy the onslaught.

If he liked school, THAAAT WOULD BE A BIGGER PROBLEM...

Seen and unseen attacks at government installations are vicious, ruthless, constant, disabling, damaging and should stress out a Child Of God.

Read with him a book: The Great And Abominable Church Of The Devil by H.V. Anderson, to strengthen him... to empower him in his awful predicament. He is a cornered rat and he needs to know it, he needs to know what they are doing to him... he needs the spiritual fortitude to laugh in the face of the Devil and that church, a Daniel in a den of lions.

Your son can be bigger than the school, as he learns the truth about it, and his own divine nature.

He can be a shining light house and powerful influence in a very dark, dreary, miserable pit of heck.

He needs an increase in your acceptance, sympathy and love for him, to patch him back up every day.

[djinwa]

"He only acts this way at home. Everywhere else he is well behaved."

This pretty much eliminates all the excuses offered here. He is deciding to act that way at home.

We tried all sorts of touchy feely stuff with a daughter like that. I finally told her if she was going to act that way, and didn't like or respect the family, she could get off the property!

I put a stump out along the road and told her she could go sit there. I also locked the doors to the house on some cold nights and left her outside. Nothing that would kill her, but her attitude changed really fast after sleeping in a car a few times.

13 years later, she laughs about it, and realizes how badly she behaved.

Of course, most would accuse me of child abuse. I have learned, however, that kids can be abusive. They are animals in a way, and simply want to take as much as they can get away with. If the smart ones know they can behave as they wish and still get fed, clothed and housed, they will do whatever they want.

So, he doesn't respect you. Your restrictions don't matter to him. He knows that food is guaranteed.

Pretty hard for most moms to lay down the hammer. Where is dad?

[dconrad000]

+1000, djinwa...awesome post.

[sushi_chef]

might be wrong but sushi_ thinks perhaps if rosa san changes, they will change....family members are mirroing each other....so, perhaps if rosa san becomes really loving caring person in words, deeds, thoughts, heart, wisdom then they become feel loved and act accordingly....perhaps they need to understand somehow how they are loved and how loving person their mother is....
:-B

[Thinker]

I agree that especially boys as they get to that age, they need more father discipline (guidance).

MuertaRose,
Love and logic is the best parenting approach I've found and it seems that you've done some with consequences.
I have a son that has a similar temperament - he is sensitive/empathic - he picks up on things a lot, when a lot of other kids are clueless... and he can have exaggerated reactions.

We haven't got it all perfectly down, but it helps when we spend time with him...keep communication going, hug him (for a while he resisted and I didn't push too much but after a while, he became more affectionate as he used to be). I've been working with all our kids on correcting cognitive distortions (jumping to conclusions, fairness fallacy etc) often & he actually found this cute clip he implemented in his own...about listing "all of the things that went well today."

Basically, I think each kid is unique in their need to feel loved... and it's trial and error - just never give up loving him (doing what you think/feel is best for him).

[Bee Prepared]

I agree with always loving him, he will know that even when you discipline him. Try and be consistant. Children are too
immature to be running the household and causing chaos. Reward him for good behavior with something he likes to do. Take it away when
he doesn't follow the rules.

Most of all, remember children learn by example and that boys will be boys!

[kidsmoke]

I have a young son with an adhd diagnosis. A bit of ODD thrown in him as well. When we've been strict and kept him off of food dye the one change we've noticed is in his tantrums. We'll go months with no dye, then let him have something like skittles and the next day is completely ridiculous. Like he's reverted to a toddler with no control. Beyond that, I can't say I've noticed any difference in hyper activity, etc.

Have used Omega 3's for a year and don't notice any benefit in terms of behavioral changes.

[Ezra]

He is seeking attention. Period.

So having and audience is part of the problem. When he flips out remove the audience. Yourself the rest of the kids. And go play a game do something fun. Leave him to stew.and have fun with everyone eles. This is important as he will see his actions only hurt him.

Prior to this talk to him about how you expect him to behave. And what proper ways of getting attention are. And how his behaviors are effecting others. Do this with just you and him or dad and him. Sit beside him as you talk. This should not be a face to face talk as they are confrontational And try to make this not you v's. Him. But you and him vs the problem. Be his advocate for helping him through this: ask for his suggestions on what he thinks he could do diffently. And then hold him to it .

If he fails sit with him again and talk though it again.

Try and get him to fix his problems not you.

Most important. Point out his strengths. And how you belive he's capable of working through this. Share your own experience of change growth that may be similar.

[sushi_chef]

sushi_ heard ward members testimony/experiences like following one,

""President Marion G. Romney testified of the blessings that can come into the lives of those who will read and study the Book of Mormon. He said:

"I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirt of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity- the pure love of Christ- will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness."
""
http://search.yahoo.co.jp/search?p=%22s ... 1_sa&x=wrt" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
:-B

[Kitkat]

I feel for you, fits are never easy and put everyone on edge. My kids are like Jekyll and Hyde with certain foods, especially my oldest who is a boy. Dyes are a big set off for my kids. They do great in public, like yours, but after eating certain foods my son describes it as not being able focus, like he needs to hit something, or he just flops around the house moaning about every little thing. It is maddening. My kids are super picky, so I agree, it can be hard to eliminate anything from their diet

I try to look on the back of every "snack food" I give them, those are usually the ones I have to watch for. The best snacks are those that you can pronounce all the ingredients. Triscits are a great cracker, just wheat, oil, and salt. My kids LOVE nuts so I capitalize on that.

I try to find fruit snacks (etc...) that use natural dyes (motts is a great cheap brand that uses natural dyes, like beet juice). Processed meats also set my kids off like none other too (hot dogs, bacon).

I AM not an expert by any stretch of the imagination and it is huge trial and error adventure and a work in progress, but I know when I have given my kids (especially my son) something that reacts to their bodies and I just try to pin point it. What did they eat today that they didn't eat last week...

It has really helped my kids to sit down and talk about how food affects their bodies and feelings. They have been willing to try my crazy "snack ideas" once they know the purpose behind it.

With all that said, if you find things that are working for you, share them, lots of us moms would love to learn from others trial and error!

[letsjet]

I sympathize with your plight. May I suggest that you find the program “Let’s Fix the Kids!” by James J. Jones. This helped us a great deal. His packet contains sixteen cassette tapes of lectures on how to deal with behavior problems. I highly recommend it! He is quite entertaining as well as wise. There may now be versions on CDs or even downloads. His program is more affordable now than it used to be.

His techniques are very clever and useful. I wish we had found his program sooner.

Good luck!

[passionflower]

-delete-

[JohnnyL]

I'll guarantee much of what was suggested won't work, or won't work much. Not that it's bad advice.

Everyone has reasons for what they do. Find out what they are, and how to fix them. Don't expect people to know the answers, though. Research shows over and over they don't, even when they'll say they do.

So how do you know the problems? Ask a muscle tester/ pendulum user/ dowser, and an energy healer; or, an energy healer who does muscle testing. Out of a hundred possible reasons, 95 might be useless or minimal. Some children have no real problems with artificial colors, others do. Etc. Do you want to waste all that time, money, energy, etc. trying to figure out those 5 (out of 100) problematic reasons, or just get to them first? And then have them taken care of? (Your children will still have choice after reasons are taken away.)

Those are, however, good general suggestions, just like rest/ sleep, HYDRATE (make him drink water when he freaks out/ starts crying--it might stop in a minute or two instead of an hour or two), good nutrition, less sugar and artificial coloring, etc.

In the end, pray and seek guidance. We changed our parenting style in ways that most good people, church members, and experts advise not to. All of our lives are much happier. Our children's rebellion has lessened a lot. Many fewer big fights with big consequences. Etc.

[idahommie]

Muerte, check out the Feingold diet.

[marc]

You know Rosa, it could also be a complement to you that your kids act out only around you. It could mean they feel more comfortable around you than someone outside their home. ( It still does not make the acting out GOOD, I know, and you are right to want to do something about it, but still...)

I'm starting to think they are just too much like their dang mom!!!

That would make for a LOT of open tabs! :p

[KMCopeland]

There may be something going on at school that you don't know about. I know you said he only acts this way at home, but that could mean that home is the only place he feels like he can safely let it out. I don't know. Really hard to say. I'd just be careful of punishment until you're sure there's not something else going on.

[passionflower]

You know Rosa, it could also be a complement to you that your kids act out only around you. It could mean they feel more comfortable around you than someone outside their home. ( It still does not make the acting out GOOD, I know, and you are right to want to do something about it, but still...)

I'm starting to think they are just too much like their dang mom!!!

You mean (gasp!) There are more at home like you?!(lol)