How do you deal with a spouse who is Passive Aggressive?

[Kingdom of ZION]

Just how many women out here are looking for a good Husband, but sabotage their relationships and ALWAYS think it was the other person who fail them? Or men for that matter... I just have experience with women. I think there is more than you would think. It is its own kind of evil!

Here is a few papers on the subject:

Passive–aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is dealing with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations in an obstructionist or hostile manner that indicates aggression, or, in more general terms, expressing aggression in non-assertive (i.e. passive or indirect) ways. It can be seen in some cases as a personality trait or disorder marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed, resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.
However, according to views such as Conflict theory or Marxist philosophy, so-called passive-aggressive behavior could be a rational response to demands that may simply be disagreed with, for example if intended to exploit the individual, and yet where there is no possible or legitimate means of active resistance. It has also been noted that passive resistance has a dignified history, including Irish dissidents, Quakers and Gandhi. The passive-aggressive concept was developed by the US military to describe soldiers who would not obey instructions happily. Its use as a diagnosis has also been questioned in clinical and social terms.
It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
Signs and symptoms
The book Living with the Passive–Aggressive Man lists 11 responses that may help identify passive–aggressive behavior:
Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of creating a feeling of insecurity in others or of disguising one's own insecurities.
Intentional Inefficiency: Intentionally being late and forgetting things, another way to exert control or to punish.
Convenient forgetfulness: To win any argument with a dishonest denial of actual events.
Fear of competition
Fear of dependency
Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: the passive–aggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
Making chaotic situations
Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
Obstructionism
Procrastination
Sulking
Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.
A passive–aggressive person may not display all of these behaviors, and may have other[clarification needed] non-passive–aggressive traits.
Additional traits include lack of accountability and an inability to be introspective; therefore the passive aggressive person tends to not feel remorse or guilt for his or her actions. He/ she believes his actions are the result of external forces and not his own behavior. He is limited emotionally and can not reciprocate emotion in a relationship beyond the limited amount he needs to feel fulfilled. Given his lack of empathy, compassion and sympathy; the relationship becomes parasitic. (Reference: "The Calm and the Storm; notes from a passive aggressive relationship" by Annmarie Cristiani http://www.thecalmandthestorm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;)
Diagnosis
Passive–aggressive personality disorder was listed as an Axis II personality disorder in the DSM-III-R, but was moved in the DSM-IV to Appendix B ("Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study") because of controversy and the need for further research on how to also categorize the behaviors in a future edition. As an alternative, the diagnosispersonality disorder not otherwise specified may be used instead.
The World Health Organization's ICD-10 lists passive–aggressive personality disorder under (F60.8) Other specific personality disorders.
The psychologist Theodore Millon has proposed four subtypes of 'negativist' ('passive–aggressive'). Any individual negativist may exhibit none or one of the following:
circuitous negativist – including dependent features
abrasive negativist – including sadistic features
discontented negativist – including depressive features
vacillating negativist – including borderline features
Causes
Passive–aggressive disorder may stem from a specific childhood stimulus (e.g., alcohol/drug addicted parents) in an environment where it was not safe to express frustration or anger. Families in which the honest expression of feelings is forbidden tend to teach children to repress and deny their feelings and to use other channels to express their frustration.
Children who sugarcoat hostility may have difficulties being assertive. Never developing better coping strategies or skills for self-expression, they can become adults who, beneath a "seductive veneer", "harbor vindictive intent", in the words of a US congressman psychologist and a writer therapist.
Alternatively individuals may simply have difficulty being as directly aggressive or assertive as others. Martin Kantor suggests three areas that contribute to passive–aggressive anger in individuals: conflicts about dependency, control, and competition.
Treatment
Kantor suggests a treatment approach using psychodynamic, supportive, cognitive, behavioral and interpersonal therapeutic methods. These methods apply to both the passive aggressive person and their target victim, according to Kantor, a retired Staff Psychiatrist for the Department of Veterans Affairs Medical Center in New Jersey.
History
Passive aggressive behavior was first defined clinically by Colonel William Menninger during World War II in the context of men's reaction to military compliance.
Menninger described soldiers who were not openly defiant but expressed their aggressiveness “by passive measures, such as pouting, stubbornness, procrastination, inefficiency, and passive obstructionism” due to what Menninger saw as an "immaturity" and a reaction to "routine military stress".
According to some psychoanalytic views, noncompliance is not indicative of true passive–aggressive behavior, which may instead be defined as the manifestation of emotions that have been repressed based on a self-imposed need for acceptance.
In the first version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-I, in 1952, the passive–aggressive was defined in a narrow way, grouped together with thepassive-dependent.
The DSM-III-R stated in 1987 that passive aggressive disorder is typified by among other things "fail[ing] to do the laundry or to stock the kitchen with food because of procrastination and dawdling."
See also
Counterproductive work behavior
Gossip
Malicious compliance
Mind games
Passivity
Psychological manipulation
Relational aggression
Social undermining
Oppositional defiant disorder

Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Definition:
Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Passive Aggressive behavior is the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (such as through procrastination and stubbornness).
Description:
Whenever resentment and contempt lurk beneath the surface of a dysfunctional relationship, passive-aggressive behavior is the foam that rises to the top. Passive-aggressive behavior is a mechanism to express anger without openly admitting you are angry or confronting the source of your anger directly.
It is common for a person to express passive-aggressive behavior when they are in a position of low influence or control over a person with whom they are angry. People who feel powerless, inferior or afraid of a person with whom they are angry will frequently resort to a passive-aggressive style. This person may be a figure of authority such as a parent, an older sibling, a boss or a teacher. They may also be a peer such as a spouse, partner, sibling or friend over whom a person has little authority or who dominates or assumes the lead position in the relationship.
Passive-aggressive behavior is also common between Personality-Disordered Individuals (PDI's) and their family members, spouses and partners of personality disordered individuals (Non-PD's):
Personality-Disordered Individuals or PDI's often feel a great deal of pain over their own situation. Because of the way their emotions can overwhelm their rational thinking, they are prone to destructive behaviors, emotional outbursts, making poor choices and having feelings of self-loathing, powerlessness and discontent at the state of their own affairs. Faced with this, it is common for PDI's to look for a person who is willing to share the burden, help clean up the mess and help them feel better about themselves. Family members, spouses, partners and friends are prime candidates for this role - a role which they sometimes accept willingly; hoping to make a positive difference in their loved-one's life. However, they may unwittingly create over-optimistic expectations for what they can accomplish. When they inevitably fail to solve all the problems and fill all the voids, it is common for the PDI to feel disappointment, disillusionment and even resentment towards them. Filled with anger towards those who have disappointed them, yet consumed by fear that they will be abandoned by those who have loved them the most, the PDI may develop a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior towards the Non-PD.
Non-Personality-Disordered Individuals or Non-PD's are often confused about the erratic state of mind of the personality disordered individuals (PDI's) in their lives. They may feel anger and hurt towards the PDI because of the way they have been treated by them, while at the same time they may be afraid of future outbursts. The Non-PD may be fatigued from taking the "high ground" over contentious issues while at the same time angry with the PDI whom they deem to be taking the "low road" or taking advantage of them. Non-PD's may develop a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior towards PDI's as a way of registering their disapproval while trying to maintain the "high ground" and trying not to provoke further aggressive behaviors from the PDI.
Some Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
Withdrawal - of material support, contribution to shared goals, Re prioritizing alternate activities and goals, "go-slow's", procrastination or targeted incompetence are all manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior.
Silent Treatment, inappropriate "one-word" answers, inattention, making yourself generally "unavailable".
Off-line Criticism - propagating gossip or criticism to a third party in an attempt to negatively influence the third party's opinion of a person.
Sarcasm - Humor which targets a specific individual is a form of passive-aggressive communication.
Indirect Violence or shows-of-strength such as destruction of property, slamming doors, cruelty to animals in the sight of another is passive-aggressive.
Despite being a common result among both groups, passive-aggressive behaviors and communication styles are rarely effective in getting people what they want. Passive-aggressive behaviors are more likely to add fuel to the fires already burning. An assertive approach to managing conflict is far more likely to get both parties in a relationship what they want.
Passive Aggressive Behavior: A Form of Covert Abuse
By Cathy Meyer,


Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:
Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."
Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.
The Passive Aggressive and You:
The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.

Confronting the Passive Aggressive:
Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn't happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things "off your chest." Below are some ways you might approach your passive aggressive:
Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not his/her bad behaviors.
Don't attack his/her character.
Make sure you have privacy.
Confront him/her about one behavior at a time, don't bring up everything at once.
If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity.
Have a time limit, confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.
If he/she tries to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings.
Be sure he/she understands that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.

Inside the Passive Aggressive:
The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further from his/her desired relationship with you.
The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.
The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.
The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his/her independence and sense of self to his/her spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.
The only hope for change in the way they deal with relationship issues is if they are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and contributions to the marital problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in their life will help them form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional safety.


PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
by ACCG.NET

EXPLANATION:

These individuals are usually unaware that difficulties are a result of their own behaviors. They experience conscious hostility toward authority figures, but do not connect their own passive resistant behavior with hostility or resentment. They do not trust others and they usually tend to be nonassertive and are intentionally inefficient. They try to get back at others through agitation. Feelings of hostility are released through others who become angry and may suffer because of the passive aggressive personality's inefficiency. The passive aggressive personality is resistant to demands for adequate performance both in social circumstances and in the workplace. This pattern usually begins in early childhood and can occur in various contexts. Individual's with this disorder have resentment of responsibility in both work and social spheres and they show this resentment through the expression of symptoms listed above rather than openly expressed anger. They tend to use procrastination and inefficiency and forgetfulness to avoid fulfilling obligations. Rather than take responsibility for their own actions, they tend to blame and manipulate others.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS (at least five of the following)

1. Procrastinates
2. Sulks, becomes irritable or becomes very quickly argumentative
3. Tends to work slowly or deliberately do a bad job on tasks that he or she really does not want to do
4. Protests (unrealistically) that everyone is making unreasonable demands
5. "Forgets" obligations
6. Believes that he or she is doing a much better job than others think
7. Usually resents useful suggestions from others on how to become more productive
8. Fails to do his or her share of the work, thereby obstructing other's efforts
9. Unreasonably criticizes people in positions of authority
10. Cannot seem to accept responsibility or blame for problems resulting from their poor performance and tend to project this blame on others

These behaviors are usually not disturbing to the individual, but to those who interact with him or her. Therapy is usually not sought, but the client is generally referred for therapy by family members. Psychological theories suggest that environmental factors occurring in the very early years of a child's life contribute to the development of this disorder. Usually, the child has extreme feelings of rejection or inadequate nurturing by the mother figure which results in extreme anger. The child has a fear of expressing this anger toward the parent figure and, as a result, there is a shifting which results in the "passive aggressive" behavior. Depression is also common since there is a shifting back and forth between expressing this anger toward the parent through passive aggressive behavior which arouses anger in the parent which is the child's goal and tendencies toward depression which results from the anger which is then turned inward on the self.

Very often these clients have difficulty becoming appropriately assertive, however, they may shift into covert aggressive behaviors when sufficiently angered. In therapy, clinician's report that kids tend to be very resistant to change and that other's often complain about stubbornness, procrastination, and forgetfulness. They do not appear to be uncomfortable in social situations. But interpersonal relationships are usually strained. They tend to have difficulty expressing warm feelings, and also tend to sulk, pout, and even when they passively acquiesce or conform there is usually unspoken resentment. In therapy clients often express anxiety and depression along with low self esteem, lack of self confidence. They tend to be very dependent and passive. They also tend to view the world in a negativistic manner or fail to connect their behavior to other's reactions. They usually complain about others being unfair and see the world as a hostile, unfair environment.

[Juliette]

Hey, wait just a minute buster! Are you saying only WOMEN are passive aggressive and sabatoge relationships? (

[awake]

I believe Christ understood this type of spouse and instructed us on how to deal with them, or with any spouse with any problem.

"Love your enemies, do good to them who despitefully use you and persecute you"...

I believe that such spouse's give us an opportunity to grow by leaps and bounds when we choose to unconditionally love them and serve their every wish all day long, before our own needs and desires. (unless a request is evil).

It's vital that we also lovingly ask our spouse for what 'we' want and need from them. But whether they fulfill our wishes or not, we should fulfill theirs with love.

Think and read about Ammon and how he so faithfully served the wishes of the wicked King Lamoni and how it eventually softened his heart.

I believe total submission, love and service to our spouse, are the keys to helping such a spouse repent and learn to want to love and serve us in return, as we do them, though our love and service may not soften their hearts until even the next life.

If a spouse is dangerous, their spouse may need to love and serve them as best they can, from a safe distance though, until they repent.

[Kingdom of ZION]

Hey, wait just a minute buster! Are you saying only WOMEN are passive aggressive and sabatoge relationships? (

What I said was..."Just how many women out here are looking for a good Husband, but sabotage their relationships and ALWAYS think it was the other person who fail them? Or men for that matter... I just have experience with women. "

Which means, Or men for that matter... Just how many men out here are looking for a good Wife (Wives), but sabotage their relationships and ALWAYS think it was the other person who fail them? I just have experience with women, so I do not understand the confusion??? .

[karen2cruise]

I believe Christ understood this type of spouse and instructed us on how to deal with them, or with any spouse with any problem.

"Love your enemies, do good to them who despitefully use you and persecute you"...

I believe that such spouse's give us an opportunity to grow by leaps and bounds when we choose to unconditionally love them and serve their every wish all day long, before our own needs and desires. (unless a request is evil).

It's vital that we also lovingly ask our spouse for what 'we' want and need from them. But whether they fulfill our wishes or not, we should fulfill theirs with love.

Think and read about Ammon and how he so faithfully served the wishes of the wicked King Lamoni and how it eventually softened his heart.

I believe total submission, love and service to our spouse, are the keys to helping such a spouse repent and learn to want to love and serve us in return, as we do them, though our love and service may not soften their hearts until even the next life.

If a spouse is dangerous, their spouse may need to love and serve them as best they can, from a safe distance though, until they repent.

I don't agree. Ammon was a servant of King Lamoni. Wives are not servants to their husbands but equals with them. They should go to therapy so that the offending spouse can see their behavior and see how it hurts the other spouse. Most passive aggressive spouses also have narcissistic tendencies as well. "Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism." (per Mayo website).

Service and unconditional love, while admirable, should be done in conjunction with therapy. Having neutral ground to be told of the offending behavior can help the person repent.

[sadie_Mormon]

Just how many women out here are looking for a good Husband, but sabotage their relationships and ALWAYS think it was the other person who fail them? Or men for that matter... I just have experience with women. I think there is more than you would think. It is its own kind of evil!

No doubt this is true in certain situations. From my experience I’ve seen it in men too, however I’ve seen more women. Of course this isn’t a stat just my experience.

My “sabotage” situation is when a man doesn’t have as strong or stronger personality then I. It’s not a pretty scene.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Passive Aggressive behavior is the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (such as through procrastination and stubbornness).

Boy that sounds like my mother!

It is common for a person to express passive-aggressive behavior when they are in a position of low influence or control over a person with whom they are angry. People who feel powerless, inferior or afraid of a person with whom they are angry will frequently resort to a passive-aggressive style.

My ex to a tee!

Indirect Violence or shows-of-strength such as destruction of property, slamming doors, cruelty to animals in the sight of another is passive-aggressive.

This brought to mind years ago when we had our 2 chocolate labs and my ex beat the crap out of them constantly (in front of others as well). Not because they were bad dogs it was because he was a failure at consistently training them. I offered to train them (I loved them so much so did my kids) but he refused and said he would do it. Well that turned out to be a nightmare. My thought is that he knew I would get it done right and he didn’t like that. I found the dogs a new home because I was terrified they would be traumatized by the experience. They deserved a better life. Poor doggies I miss them.

Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

This stuff is giving me terrible flash backs.

[Rand]

I believe Christ understood this type of spouse and instructed us on how to deal with them, or with any spouse with any problem.

"Love your enemies, do good to them who despitefully use you and persecute you"...

I believe that such spouse's give us an opportunity to grow by leaps and bounds when we choose to unconditionally love them and serve their every wish all day long, before our own needs and desires. (unless a request is evil).

It's vital that we also lovingly ask our spouse for what 'we' want and need from them. But whether they fulfill our wishes or not, we should fulfill theirs with love.

Think and read about Ammon and how he so faithfully served the wishes of the wicked King Lamoni and how it eventually softened his heart.

I believe total submission, love and service to our spouse, are the keys to helping such a spouse repent and learn to want to love and serve us in return, as we do them, though our love and service may not soften their hearts until even the next life.

If a spouse is dangerous, their spouse may need to love and serve them as best they can, from a safe distance though, until they repent.

Well said Awake. I agree completely. Most won't, but only because it is a hard road to walk. But it is definitely the godly walk.

[Juliette]

Hey, wait just a minute buster! Are you saying only WOMEN are passive aggressive and sabatoge relationships? (

What I said was..."Just how many women out here are looking for a good Husband, but sabotage their relationships and ALWAYS think it was the other person who fail them? Or men for that matter... I just have experience with women. "

Which means, Or men for that matter... Just how many men out here are looking for a good Wife (Wives), but sabotage their relationships and ALWAYS think it was the other person who fail them? I just have experience with women, so I do not understand the confusion??? .

Wait, was I being passive aggressive? :p

[Juliette]

I grew up with a Mother who had BPD, borderline personality disorder.


Signs and symptoms

The primary features of BPD are unstable interpersonal relationships, affective distress, marked impulsivity, and unstable self-image.[1]

Individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure.[n 3] They may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety[6] and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.[7]

The negative emotional states specific to BPD fall into four categories: destructive or self-destructive feelings; extreme feelings in general; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.[8]

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, promiscuous and intense sexuality, gambling and recklessness in general.[9] Attachment studies have revealed a strong association between BPD and insecure attachment style, the most characteristic types being "unresolved", "preoccupied", and "fearful".[10] Evidence suggests that individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert[11] to signs of rejection or devaluation and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships.[12] They tend to view the world as generally dangerous and malevolent.[11]

Some mental health professionals (and the DSM-IV[13]) describe individuals with BPD as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.[14][15][n 4] There has been limited research on family members' understanding of borderline personality disorder and the extent of burden or negative emotion experienced or expressed by family members.[16] Parents of individuals with BPD may show co-existing extremes of over-involvement and under-involvement.[17] BPD is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction of romantic partners, abuse and unwanted pregnancy; these links may be general to personality disorder and subsyndromal problems.[18]

Suicidal or self-harming behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria in DSM IV-TR, and management of and recovery from this can be complex and challenging.[19] The suicide rate is approximately 8 to 10 percent.[20][21] Self-injury attempts are highly common among patients and may or may not be carried out with suicidal intent.[22][23] Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior.[17] Stressful life events related to sexual abuse can be a particular trigger for suicide attempts by adolescents with a BPD diagnosis.[24].

[awake]

I don't agree. Ammon was a servant of King Lamoni. Wives are not servants to their husbands but equals with them. They should go to therapy so that the offending spouse can see their behavior and see how it hurts the other spouse. Most passive aggressive spouses also have narcissistic tendencies as well.

Ammon was a free man who voluntarily 'chose' to give his whole life maybe, to serve the very wicked and probably narcissistic King Lamoni, in hopes that the King may someday repent. Ammon did not put any conditions on his service. There is no telling how long Ammon may have been willing to serve the King if he hadn't repented.

I believe spouses promise at the altar to unconditionally give their whole life to love and serve their spouse and their every wish, before their own, in hopes that they may bring happiness to their spouse and help them be righteous or repent, whatever the case may be. Hopefully each spouse will do it for the other, then you have exultant ecstasy.

I agree that abusive and narcissistic spouses should receive treatment, and consequences, but that unfortunately appears to rarely happen. Most spouses need guidance for narcissistic spouses who either refuse to repent or who are never required to by leaders.

I believe Christ understood 'Narcissism' very well and that many, if not most spouses would have to deal with this problem without the advantage of treatment and consequences for it applied by leaders.

Thus he commanded us to have unconditional love in marriage, whether the other spouse repents or receives treatment and consequences or not, otherwise the marriage will only get worse and eventually fail. But, as long as at least one spouse stays strong and righteous by loving & serving the other, then things don't usually seem to go downhill as much and may slowly even get better.

But I realize this does take a very rare and high level of love and commitment and is a very hard road for the righteous spouse, but there are incredible rewards for such love and service along the way and in the eternities that make it all very worth it.

But unconditional love does not mean we allow a spouse to abuse us. If a spouse is dangerous they can be loved and served from a safe distance, until they repent, which may often not be until the next life, because of lack of treatment, consequences or willingness to repent here.

[Nan]

I know more men who are passive aggressive than women. But I actually think it runs in families. My dh's family are way passive aggressive. A counselor told my dh that you know you are passive aggressive if everyone is mad at you all the time. And that people have a right to be mad at you if you are. But most passive aggressive people make the person who is angry look like the bad guy for being angry.

[Rand]

I don't agree. Ammon was a servant of King Lamoni. Wives are not servants to their husbands but equals with them. They should go to therapy so that the offending spouse can see their behavior and see how it hurts the other spouse. Most passive aggressive spouses also have narcissistic tendencies as well.

Ammon was a free man who voluntarily 'chose' to give his whole life maybe, to serve the very wicked and probably narcissistic King Lamoni, in hopes that the King may someday repent. Ammon did not put any conditions on his service. There is no telling how long Ammon may have been willing to serve the King if he hadn't repented.

I believe spouses promise at the altar to unconditionally give their whole life to love and serve their spouse and their every wish, before their own, in hopes that they may bring happiness to their spouse and help them be righteous or repent, whatever the case may be. Hopefully each spouse will do it for the other, then you have exultant ecstasy.

I agree that abusive and narcissistic spouses should receive treatment, and consequences, but that unfortunately appears to rarely happen. Most spouses need guidance for narcissistic spouses who either refuse to repent or who are never required to by leaders.

I believe Christ understood 'Narcissism' very well and that many, if not most spouses would have to deal with this problem without the advantage of treatment and consequences for it applied by leaders.

Thus he commanded us to have unconditional love in marriage, whether the other spouse repents or receives treatment and consequences or not, otherwise the marriage will only get worse and eventually fail. But, as long as at least one spouse stays strong and righteous by loving & serving the other, then things don't usually seem to go downhill as much and may slowly even get better.

But I realize this does take a very rare and high level of love and commitment and is a very hard road for the righteous spouse, but there are incredible rewards for such love and service along the way and in the eternities that make it all very worth it.

But unconditional love does not mean we allow a spouse to abuse us. If a spouse is dangerous they can be loved and served from a safe distance, until they repent, which may often not be until the next life, because of lack of treatment, consequences or willingness to repent here.

The only thing I might off for thought is that in the Temple the woman agrees to follow her husband in righteousness, not into evil. This leaves her as the judge of righteousness. But she will account for that judgment. But, servants we are. I do believe that as a servant, we sometimes need to stop and not move forward, in the case of the unrighteous prophets donkey, or cleanse the temple, or to refuse to bless a situation with compliance because of unrighteousness, but servants we are for sure.

[sadie_Mormon]

I grew up with a Mother who had BPD, borderline personality disorder.

Since BPD is influenced by genes children are more likely to have it as well.


As to why you never admit in public that your mother had BPD =))

[Juliette]

I grew up with a Mother who had BPD, borderline personality disorder.

Since BPD is influenced by genes children are more likely to have it as well.


As to why you never admit in public that your mother had BPD =))

tehehe Sadie! Unfortunately, my oldest brother is just like my Mother. Believe it or not, :p I am very much like my Father. My Mother always accused me of being like my Father. I would always say, " Well considering the alternative, I'll take it"! haha

[Rand]

Now I know why you need to spend so much time in your room.

[Juliette]

Now I know why you need to spend so much time in your room.

I knew you couldn't pass this one up! =)) ( My room has a computer :p )

[Rand]

Now I know why you need to spend so much time in your room.

I knew you couldn't pass this one up! =)) ( My room has a computer :p )

You're too fun! Blessings

[Thinker]

How do you deal with a spouse who is Passive Agressive?

Gentle, kind honesty & openness with how their behavior affects you. (Occassionally, blunt honest is needed - when all else fails)

[Rand]

I agree with Thinker, if you can truly love your spouse, that pure love will be a remedy for them allowing abundant growth and transformation in their life. Not because you need them to grow, but because they know they are free to be true to themselves without being judged. That is why at the feet of our Savior you will feel safe, and be the absolute authentic you.

[Juliette]

My husband hollers very sweet things to me through the door!

[Kingdom of ZION]

I don't agree. Ammon was a servant of King Lamoni. Wives are not servants to their husbands but equals with them. They should go to therapy so that the offending spouse can see their behavior and see how it hurts the other spouse. Most passive aggressive spouses also have narcissistic tendencies as well. "Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism." (per Mayo website).

Service and unconditional love, while admirable, should be done in conjunction with therapy. Having neutral ground to be told of the offending behavior can help the person repent.

I absolutely agree with you. Therapy is the key to the road of learning new ways to relate and treat others, but first is getting a person to see they are Passive Aggressive. They usually do not believe they are, and half the time cannot even see it in themselves when it is made plain what it is.

[Rand]

My husband hollers very sweet things to me through the door!

Unlock it and let him out, he might quit yelling... sweet things. )

[Juliette]

My husband hollers very sweet things to me through the door!

Unlock it and let him out, he might quit yelling... sweet things. )

I opened the door Rand. He was muttering incoherently! Something about how long does menopause last and little blue pills.

[Liberty Bell]

The only thing I might off for thought is that in the Temple the woman agrees to follow her husband in righteousness, not into evil. This leaves her as the judge of righteousness. But she will account for that judgment. But, servants we are. I do believe that as a servant, we sometimes need to stop and not move forward, in the case of the unrighteous prophets donkey, or cleanse the temple, or to refuse to bless a situation with compliance because of unrighteousness, but servants we are for sure.

Who is the leader in the family? If it's the man, then he is the servant. (Remember the lesson of Jesus washing feet?)

Actually the truth of this is so plain and clear that anybody should be able to see it and yet most don't. The problem is most believe in a lie and that lie is that money or worldly goods (even basic necessities) are most important. This muddles us into thinking the man is the more important figure in the family because he brings home the bacon.

What is a man's true job? It ought to be the same as our Father's. Moses 1:39

So, since the man's job is really raising righteous children then he is highly indebted to his wife since she generally does the majority of the physical work involved in doing that job.

What is the evidence that is so plain and clear that everyone on earth ought to be able to see it, and yet they don't? The man provides the money FOR HIS FAMILY. His role is as a servant to his wife and children. And yet, somehow, even though the entire world has the plain evidence that it is the man who is supposed to be supporting the wife in her role, rather than she supporting him in his, they cannot see it. They are blinded by the things of this world.

To answer the original question, if you want to know how to deal with a passive aggressive spouse, teach them who they are. Teach them their true role. If you can convince a person of their true role, all unrighteous aggressiveness in any form will disappear.

[Rand]

The only thing I might off for thought is that in the Temple the woman agrees to follow her husband in righteousness, not into evil. This leaves her as the judge of righteousness. But she will account for that judgment. But, servants we are. I do believe that as a servant, we sometimes need to stop and not move forward, in the case of the unrighteous prophets donkey, or cleanse the temple, or to refuse to bless a situation with compliance because of unrighteousness, but servants we are for sure.

Who is the leader in the family? If it's the man, then he is the servant. (Remember the lesson of Jesus washing feet?)

Actually the truth of this is so plain and clear that anybody should be able to see it and yet most don't. The problem is most believe in a lie and that lie is that money or worldly goods (even basic necessities) are most important. This muddles us into thinking the man is the more important figure in the family because he brings home the bacon.

What is a man's true job? It ought to be the same as our Father's. Moses 1:39

So, since the man's job is really raising righteous children then he is highly indebted to his wife since she generally does the majority of the physical work involved in doing that job.

What is the evidence that is so plain and clear that everyone on earth ought to be able to see it, and yet they don't? The man provides the money FOR HIS FAMILY. His role is as a servant to his wife and children. And yet, somehow, even though the entire world has the plain evidence that it is the man who is supposed to be supporting the wife in her role, rather than she supporting him in his, they cannot see it. They are blinded by the things of this world.

To answer the original question, if you want to know how to deal with a passive aggressive spouse, teach them who they are. Teach them their true role. If you can convince a person of their true role, all unrighteous aggressiveness in any form will disappear.

Agreed, even though your post came across to me as a little condescending. Good comments even so.