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bobhenstra
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Re: Help!

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Tsc and son---

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bobhenstra
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Re: Help!

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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

Bob before the "operation" - =)) =)) =))
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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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tsc
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Re: Help!

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Bob's neighbor's best friend's uncle's daughter's classmate's mother's hairdresser's ex-boyfriend's 3rd cousin twice removed - :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
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bobhenstra
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Re: Help!

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Lol, that's hilarious!

Bob

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tsc
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Re: Help!

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This guy is ready for the next flood
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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

bOb, I heard you were selling your car - :))
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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Image

My favorite fish to catch. Colorado river cutthroat. Bright red belly, almost black back, beautiful fish rising for a fly!

Bob

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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

NOT a fun job! =))
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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area of my
doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to
the receptionist's desk, the man sat there,
alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I
should make small talk with him, a little boy
slipped off his mother's lap and walked over
to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom
makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's
six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the
room. Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think
she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you
do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years
you'll be too old to do all those things
anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the
difficult assignment of giving immunization
shots to children.. One day, I entered the
examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie
her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not
polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled
even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my
grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I
know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?'
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my
grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You
don't have to make up something, Dad. It's
okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my
eight-year-old son down and broke the news to
him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,'
I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on
over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang
Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS,
and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his
wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have
lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't
know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares.
'Well, you've probably seen his face on his
lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

... and my personal favorite ....

His wife's graveside service was just barely
finished, when there was a massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the Bishop and calmly said, "Well,
she's arrived!"

Bobby

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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

THE BIBLE SALESMEN

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidentl replied "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.""Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed.

"I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this,Louie." Louie shrugged . "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or---wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

:))

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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

It's The Thought That Counts

Choosing a gift for an elderly mother…

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I've got you both beat.

You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the Church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“David,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“John,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Jeffrey,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

A few more...

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
***************************************************
A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"
****************************************************
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him. "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."
****************************************************
An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
****************************************************
Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," he called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked." With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

I grew up playing table tennis, played a lot in the Air Force. When I got to Okinawa first thing I did was look up the local indigenous personal clubs to see what my competition would be like, little did I know the best competition would come from the section where I worked. But all my life I had heard how good orientals were at table tennis, and I wanted to play against them. They were darn good, but not good enough. They liked to play ten feet off the end of the table and slam the ball back and forth, which was fine by me, I beat them by making them play above the table. But the best guy I ever played over there was a Staff Sargent that worked in the same section I worked in, in fact he was my section chief, and it really riled him when I played him pretty even. He was good, really good, he had a back hand slam that was impossible to return, and he could put it anywhere on the table he wanted. He practiced by standing dominoes on end across the table and having someone serve to him, then he'd proceed to knock them down in order across the table, right to left with his back hand slam, he hardly ever missed. But I studied him like I studied the Japanese players, and spotted his weakness, he wasn't as good when he had to reach for the ball, so I would get him going back and forth always playing to his fore hand. As soon as I got him on the corner of the table then I would slam the ball right back into his belly while he was moving to get back to the center of the table, and he struggled with returning a slam hit right at him.

However, my ping pong prowess isn't exactly why I started this story, what I wanted to tell everybody about was an enlisted man, my friend, by the name of Peterson who I played against, he wasn't that good, so I would play him left handed to give him a chance, and he'd get really disgusted when I did that. Peterson was the funniest guy I have ever known, he kept us in stitches all the time---

We were playing during lunch break and one of us hit our last ball pretty hard and broke it, I don't remember who, so Peterson and I jumped in my standard issue International six passenger pickup truck and drove to the BX (PX in the army) to purchase some ping pong balls. They didn't have any, we drove to another smaller BX, they didn't have any either. We drove off base and checked an Army PX and they were out. Went back to the base and started checking the clubs, officers club had some but were not willing to part with any, NCO club people didn't know where the extra balls were, and the guy in charge wasn't there. Finally we ended up at one of the enlisted mens club and there we found some ping pong balls. The guy there had a whole case, and he gave us three or four packs, six balls to the pack. Thanking him profusely we started to leave and he ask if we'd like him to order a case or two for us. Peterson picked up on that really quick and ask; can we order them? The guy replied "sure" and give Peterson the paperwork. We returned to the section and I forgot about the whole matter.

A few weeks later Peterson and I were in the NCOIC"s office when the phone rang. TSgt. Tommy Yates who spoke in a distinct Southern drawl picked up the phone, and answered it in the proper Southern military way, "Munitions handling section, Sgt Yates speakun, may ah help ya sir?" He listened for several seconds, replied "yas sir, several seconds more replied again "yas sir" then with a strange look on his face ask--- two ton of what?? Peterson, sitting beside me jumped up, muttered a quick oh oh, and took off out the door. Tommy Yates yelled at him, Peterson, get back in here , then speaking on the phone said, Major, I'm really sorry, Ah forgot to cancel that order, we found what we needed for our flotation purposes, thank ya sir for calling and Tommy hung up, laid his head down on his desk and started laughing. Peterson had ordered two ton of ping pong balls, and the supply officer was calling to suggest something else for our flotation purposes--whatever they were----

Bob

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Jason
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Posts: 18296

Re: Help!

Post by Jason »

bobhenstra wrote:I grew up playing table tennis, played a lot in the Air Force. When I got to Okinawa first thing I did was look up the local indigenous personal clubs to see what my competition would be like, little did I know the best competition would come from the section where I worked. But all my life I had heard how good orientals were at table tennis, and I wanted to play against them. They were darn good, but not good enough. They liked to play ten feet off the end of the table and slam the ball back and forth, which was fine by me, I beat them by making them play above the table. But the best guy I ever played over there was a Staff Sargent that worked in the same section I worked in, in fact he was my section chief, and it really riled him when I played him pretty even. He was good, really good, he had a back hand slam that was impossible to return, and he could put it anywhere on the table he wanted. He practiced by standing dominoes on end across the table and having someone serve to him, then he'd proceed to knock them down in order across the table, right to left with his back hand slam, he hardly ever missed. But I studied him like I studied the Japanese players, and spotted his weakness, he wasn't as good when he had to reach for the ball, so I would get him going back and forth always playing to his fore hand. As soon as I got him on the corner of the table then I would slam the ball right back into his belly while he was moving to get back to the center of the table, and he struggled with returning a slam hit right at him.

However, my ping pong prowess isn't exactly why I started this story, what I wanted to tell everybody about was an enlisted man, my friend, by the name of Peterson who I played against, he wasn't that good, so I would play him left handed to give him a chance, and he'd get really disgusted when I did that. Peterson was the funniest guy I have ever known, he kept us in stitches all the time---

We were playing during lunch break and one of us hit our last ball pretty hard and broke it, I don't remember who, so Peterson and I jumped in my standard issue International six passenger pickup truck and drove to the BX (PX in the army) to purchase some ping pong balls. They didn't have any, we drove to another smaller BX, they didn't have any either. We drove off base and checked an Army PX and they were out. Went back to the base and started checking the clubs, officers club had some but were not willing to part with any, NCO club people didn't know where the extra balls were, and the guy in charge wasn't there. Finally we ended up at one of the enlisted mens club and there we found some ping pong balls. The guy there had a whole case, and he gave us three or four packs, six balls to the pack. Thanking him profusely we started to leave and he ask if we'd like him to order a case or two for us. Peterson picked up on that really quick and ask; can we order them? The guy replied "sure" and give Peterson the paperwork. We returned to the section and I forgot about the whole matter.

A few weeks later Peterson and I were in the NCOIC"s office when the phone rang. TSgt. Tommy Yates who spoke in a distinct Southern drawl picked up the phone, and answered it in the proper Southern military way, "Munitions handling section, Sgt Yates speakun, may ah help ya sir?" He listened for several seconds, replied "yas sir, several seconds more replied again "yas sir" then with a strange look on his face ask--- two ton of what?? Peterson, sitting beside me jumped up, muttered a quick oh oh, and took off out the door. Tommy Yates yelled at him, Peterson, get back in here , then speaking on the phone said, Major, I'm really sorry, Ah forgot to cancel that order, we found what we needed for our flotation purposes, thank ya sir for calling and Tommy hung up, laid his head down on his desk and started laughing. Peterson had ordered two ton of ping pong balls, and the supply officer was calling to suggest something else for our flotation purposes--whatever they were----

Bob
LOL....gotta hand it to him for trying!!!

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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

Bob, I found a picture of you playing one of those Japanese fellows...

:-B
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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Wow, where'd you get that? I thought I was the only guy in the whole world who had that picture! That guy actually returned that shot, and he was actually Chinese :ymsick: ;) ;) ;)


Bob

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tsc
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Re: Help!

Post by tsc »

Here is the Chinese guy later on, raising his arms in victory, it was a beautiful moment (sniff).
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bobhenstra
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Posts: 7236
Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Due to recent budget cuts, the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, plus the current state
of the economy, the light at the end of the tunnel
HAS BEEN TURNED OFF


Bobby

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Jason
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Posts: 18296

Re: Help!

Post by Jason »

bobhenstra wrote:Due to recent budget cuts, the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, plus the current state
of the economy, the light at the end of the tunnel
HAS BEEN TURNED OFF


Bobby
LOL....fire up the nukes! Make that end of the tunnel glow....

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bobhenstra
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Posts: 7236
Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Been having a little trouble with my refrigerator lately, I know what the problem is, I can fix it, I just yell "BOYS" at my heating and air expert kids to come and add some Freon to the durn thing---

But today, I crept (feet hurt bad) out to the mail box and found a card from Rocky Mountain Power (use't be called Utah Pilfer and Loot). On the card is a magnet with a promise to pay me $30 dollars for my 20 year old refrigerator---- they'd pick it up and give me $30 bucks--Hummm

So, wise old feller that I am, I stumbled over, starred menacingly at my fridge, and slapped that magnetized card on it-------

boB
Last edited by bobhenstra on November 8th, 2011, 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bobhenstra
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Posts: 7236
Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened.
Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.

Aren't you just stimulated?

[img]f74d7&view=att&th=133513a0415202e8&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw[/img]

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