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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

A few word plays for you that you will love:

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

After a dentist and a manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Have a great day!

Bob

natasha
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Re: Help!

Post by natasha »

Those are great, Bob....thanks!

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Great football quotes---

Post by bobhenstra »

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy...than to fumble this football," said John Heisman. "Show me a good and gracious loser...and I'll show you a failure," is what Knute Rockne said.

Here are some others. Paul Bear Bryant said, "I make my practices real hard...because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."

After the Utah loss, if Bronco was looking for a quote to put the loss in perspective and on a higher plane, how about these?

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." - Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold...you gotta know the password, roll, tide roll." - Paul Bear Bryant

"I've found that prayers work best...when you have big players." -Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame

And our favorite: "There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you - Woody Hayes/ Ohio State.

Bronco has said that he aspires to taking the BYU football program to the next level. That wouldn't hurt him either in the quote department.

Consequently, here are some "next level" quotes to which Mendenhall could aspire.

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat...That costs money and we don't have any." - Erk Russell/Georgia

"After you retire, there's only one big event left...and I ain't ready for that." - Bobby Bowden

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one that dropped it." - Lou Holtz/Notre Dame

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." - Lou Holtz/Notre Dame

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy/Notre Dame

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney/Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts/Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms...Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest rout to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar...except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

"Always remember: Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan/Auburn

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

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"Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect." - Vince Lombardi

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck

"You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four." - Dan Birdwell

"If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn't the same as the one I was wearing, I'd run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother." - Bo Jackson
"I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault." - Jack Tatum

"We can't run. We can't pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now." - Bruce Coslett

"The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others." - Don Shula

“No matter how much you've won, no matter how many games, no matter how many championships, no matter how many Super Bowls, you're not winning now, so you stink.” - Bill Parcells

“Bear Bryant's Three Rules for coaching: 1) Surround yourself with people who can't live without football. 2) Recognize winners. They come In all forms. 3) Have a plan for everything.” - Bear Bryant

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath

Bob

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bobhenstra
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Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

Bobby

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: USU graduate----

Post by bobhenstra »

Image


boB

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bobhenstra
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Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Subject: ID Check






President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States.

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the centre of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"


Bobby

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

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Bobby

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars, about $1.40, for buses about $7.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent..

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!
......
And no one even knows his name.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Years ago I hunted deer up Johnsons Pass near Tooele, all the land there is BLM land, the reason I hunted there, I don't like having to ask permission to hunt. There is one fence you have to go through to get onto the BLM land, but it's on an established road, and is there to keep cattle in for the BLM land cattle feeding lease.

One season we drove up the road only to see several hunting rigs stopped in a line, a guy was there collecting money from each hunter who wanted to go past. I knew it was BLM land, so when we got to the fence, I jumped out of my rig, walked over to the pickup parked there and took down the license number. Then I walked up to the money collector and told him I was going up the road and telling everybody he collected money from he was stealing from them, and was going to give them his license plate number, and on top of that, I was going to block his truck from leaving the scene, and the rig behind me was going to the nearest phone and call the sheriff. I waved at the truck behind me, the driver standing outside of his truck listening to me, to turn around, and even though we didn't know each other, he got the message, turned around and started back down the road. The money collector panicked, jumped in his 4 wheel drive and drove over some pretty rough rocks to get out of there. The driver who turned around come back and we had a good laugh, an even better laugh when he commented, I've always wanted to try something like that, but never had the guts.

As we went up the road, we stopped at each camp to see how much money the guy had taken, we figured it to be about $60 dollars, "if" everyone was telling the truth. A couple of guys jumped in their truck to try and chase the crook down, but he was long gone. I shared the license number with every camp below where we camped, didn't want the fish cops bothering me, nor the sheriff! It was fun!

Bob

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

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Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and stay away from children."

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not crippling and maiming your own children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

Mothers of teens understand why some animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago, but they're still getting in------

You're gonna wanna be nice to your kids. They're gonna choose your nursing home------

Bobby

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bobhenstra
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Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

More from Cashe County;

Image

Bobby

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Image

More from Logan!

Bobby

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shadow
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Location: St. George

Re: Help!

Post by shadow »

Hey Bob, I found this truly exciting video of your home town, Genola. You best sit down for this one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srZHBfibgfo" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

That was fun Gary, but a lot of those pictures show buildings that have never existed in Genola. I recognized several buildings as being in Payson. Carole Davis was in a Stake Presidency, he was my neighbor! There are several pictures of the house he raised a bunch of kids in, it was just down the street from where I live, the old house was there when we moved here. My kids loved playing in it. There are only a few pictured there who are still alive.

Thanks Gary, I appreciate it. We're having a harder time keeping Genola a secret!

Bob

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tithing settlement will be easy this year

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WhereCanITurn4Peace
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Re: Help!

Post by WhereCanITurn4Peace »

Like wrote:

Aw, Bob Ross! Love that guy...miss hearing him talk about 'happy little trees' and his squirrel.

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shadow
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Location: St. George

Re: Help!

Post by shadow »

bobhenstra wrote: Thanks Gary, I appreciate it. We're having a harder time keeping Genola a secret!

Bob
No problem Bob. We're having a real tough time keeping our little community a secret too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpH1sLtJc0s" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

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bobhenstra
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Re: Help!

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Bubba was down on his luck and looking for any kind of a job when he decided to stop at a little country church and see if he could get a handout or a meal. The kindly old preacher said he'd be glad to help; but, if Bubba would like to earn a little money he could do so by painting the weathered church steeple. Bubba gave it a quick thought and remembered he had a little bit of paint in an old can and figured it would be enough to do the steeple and so he told the preacher he'd take the job. When Bubba opened the paint can all he found was about half a can of old thick paint and not near enough to do the job. Suddenly he knew what to do and proceeded to pour a can of turpentine into the half full paint can to make it go further and hoping that it would cover the steeple. Up on the ladder Bubba went and started painting; but, it wasn't long before he realized that there might not be enough paint to finish the job even though he had thinned it as much as he could. He was almost finished when a sudden clap of thunder startled him and it began to rain. Suddenly, a huge ball of lightening struck the ladder and flung Bubba to the ground and knocked him out. Upon recovering his senses Bubba discovered that the fresh paint job was now running off the steeple along with the torrential rain that was streaming down. Fearful and scared Bubba looked heavenward and asked God to forgive him and begged for a chance to make things right. At first nothing happened and Bubba cried out even louder, "Lord, what must I do now?" Then came a booming voice announcing to Bubba, "Re-paint, re-paint, re-paint and thin no more!!!"

Bobby

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

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Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked,
'How much will a brain cost?
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $500 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they've been used."

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

Less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not. . . It's ..... a Congress!

Don't believe it? .. look it up!

Once I learned this, a lot of things have become a lot clearer.

Bob

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

Need Help with Math Problems?
Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

ASAP

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

In Graigs list there is a section for rants & raves. A rant came on about a Asian restaurant that served terrible food & had terrible service.

Below is one of the responses:

RE:DO NOT GO TO ASIA BUFFET!!! (KLAMATH FALLS)

Date: 2011-12-06, 12:53AM AKST
Reply to:
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You're nuts. They serve the finest cat in the State.

Bob

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bobhenstra
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Location: Central Utah

Re: Help!

Post by bobhenstra »

A Green Bay Packer question.

Last year.... after the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback
Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia
quarterback Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback
Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael
Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff.

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress and
most of his staff.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary
and most of his staff were fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup
Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb
Hanie.

So here's the question ....

Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs last year than Obama?

Bobby

natasha
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Posts: 2184

Re: Help!

Post by natasha »

Bob...how do you do it? Quite amazing!

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