Please explain----
Bobby
Help!
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
Bobby
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
Bobby
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
The Cow, the Ant and an Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of
the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am
the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52
times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
A cow, an ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of
the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am
the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52
times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
...
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
...
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Dateline: NYC December 29, 2011;
Breaking News: JFK Airport, NYC - FBI and TSA Reports a Teacher was Arrested!!
The FBI AND TSA Reported a NYC School Teacher was Arrested on Suspected Terrorism Charges
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the ever present Nancy Pelosi said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us,' Vice President Biden said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'
boBBY
Breaking News: JFK Airport, NYC - FBI and TSA Reports a Teacher was Arrested!!
The FBI AND TSA Reported a NYC School Teacher was Arrested on Suspected Terrorism Charges
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the ever present Nancy Pelosi said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us,' Vice President Biden said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'
boBBY
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
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natasha
- captain of 1,000
- Posts: 2184
Re: Help!
Bob...what a great picture! Thanks for the find. I can remember several years ago while we were still living in Florida...we went to Jacksonville to attend the BYU/Florida State game. There was a section of missionaries there, too...but all in white shirts and ties. The game announcer made mention of them. Fun to see!
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS--- (This was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved
To Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed. Because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very Well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He Watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night--- early birds. Yuck.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who Do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will Let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Grandpa
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved
To Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed. Because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very Well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He Watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night--- early birds. Yuck.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who Do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will Let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Grandpa
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Blind Cashier at a Oregon Walmart
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes wind.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the stinky Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying another word.
Shadow
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes wind.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the stinky Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying another word.
Shadow
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Bass Boat
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where's Gary?
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.
He yells out to him, "What in the world are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells back, C'mon man, "It's people like you that give people from Crashe Valley a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. I'd come out there and whip ya, if I could swim!!
Bob
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where's Gary?
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.
He yells out to him, "What in the world are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells back, C'mon man, "It's people like you that give people from Crashe Valley a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. I'd come out there and whip ya, if I could swim!!
Bob
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
