LDS Freedom Forum

It seems to me that the marriage relationship is the most important relationship we have in time and eternity, next to that with God. Harold B. Lee indicated that one of the questions you would be asked in your interview with the Savior is about that relationship.

So what advice to you have to share with others? What have you done that made the biggest difference either positive or negative in your marriage relationship?
For me, It was two things.
1) I realized I thought many positive things about my wife, and didn't always vocalize them. I decided I needed to tell my wife everything positive I thought about her. If I thought her attractive, I needed to say it. If I appreciated anything she had done, I needed to trumpet it. I didn't make up nice things to say, I just decided to say the positive things I thought when I thought them.
2) I read the book, The 5 Love Languages. I realized my love language was very different than my wife's. When I told her I loved her, or gave her a hug, it didn't meet her love language. Her's was Acts of Service. So I set about trying to meet that love language. For me, and I am probably slower than the average guy, it made the biggest difference of anything else I have been able to do to improve my relationship with my amazing spouse.

What have you done and learned that made a significant difference. I need to learn new ideas, because I want to be better. And maybe someone else can learn from your hard learned lessons. Thanks for sharing in advance.

My wife and I met in martial arts class and took martial arts together for almost ten years.

Someone said that "an armed society is a polite society"... )

I think we were also lucky in that we married later than most (late twenties for both of us) and although it didn't allow us to have as large of a family as we might have, I think we both had a lot more realistic expectations of marriage, we knew there would be hard times to go through together (and there have) we knew that someday or hormones would calm down (they have) but I think what has made our marriage is that we really were a perfect match for each other. We just celebrated our 19th anniversary. I can count on one hand the times that we have even been very upset with each other. Voices were never raised and we always had it settled within a couple of hours. One time I got really upset about something (honestly don't remember what) and I needed a couple of hours to cool down before we could talk it out, so that time may have taken 3 or 4 hours.

And those agreements were so minor - I think both of our parents argued quite a bit, and I think we both felt like that was not for us, and so we don't. We talk about things. I ahve seen couples that seem to enjoy bickering, they do it all the time, even in public. It's sad.

I was taught by a marriage counselor to "pitch pennies", meaning small frequent acts of kindness. If I get myself a glass of water, offer one to my spouse, make things he likes just for him, etc.

It's sad that I needed a marriage counselor to learn, but at least I did.

I spent one summer working on never saying anything critical to my husband and only saying nice things. That really helped our marriage. Also telling him what I need in words that he understands and not expecting him to be able to read my mind. I don't know why we equate someone being able to read as love. But we do as women. I also make sure I have his full attention if I am telling him something important that I want him to remember.

The book, "The Five Love Languages" helped but it was learning the different personality types of the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory that took it further and really made a huge difference in our marriage.

I learned my spouse wasn't wrong, (as I had supposed) he was just being his ISTJ type.
He learned that I wasn't wrong, just different from him.

I stopped blaming him for what I had thought was wrong, and he understood me better.

What a difference! That was a pivotal change in our relationship.

Here's a link to the free version of the Myers-Briggs test:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Zephyr, I used the Enneagram and received the same benefits. My wife and I are very different, and both strong in our differences. It helped us both understand the other better, realizing as you did that they were not wrong, just had a different way of processing and communicating.

Rand wrote:Zephyr, I used the Enneagram and received the same benefits. My wife and I are very different, and both strong in our differences. It helped us both understand the other better, realizing as you did that they were not wrong, just had a different way of processing and communicating.

Exactly!

Going on two Senior Couple Missions. Ironic thing is that some senior couples break up after their missions because they realized that they little in common, etc.

Great thread idea! I've only been married for 7 years so I hardly consider myself an expert or very experienced yet, but we have learned a few things along the way.

-We received this advice when we got married to tell each other one reason we love each other everyday. We do it after we've said our evening prayers together every night. Sometimes it's silly little things we noticed for the day and sometimes it's something pretty significant, but it just makes us pause and think about the day why we love and appreciate each other. Simple, but very effective.

-Our hobbies and interests are vastly different in a lot of ways. We give each other space to pursue those interests, which is nice, but one way we reconnect is doing projects together like home improvement, organizing things, photo editing, etc. As our children get older we'd like to incorporate the entire family in these projects so our family and household are built through all our efforts.

Chica: IF you continue this, I promise you 100% that your marriage will last and do so happily. Plan NOW and save to go on at least one senior mission.

chicafoom wrote:Great thread idea! I've only been married for 7 years so I hardly consider myself an expert or very experienced yet, but we have learned a few things along the way.

-We received this advice when we got married to tell each other one reason we love each other everyday. We do it after we've said our evening prayers together every night. Sometimes it's silly little things we noticed for the day and sometimes it's something pretty significant, but it just makes us pause and think about the day why we love and appreciate each other. Simple, but very effective.

-Our hobbies and interests are vastly different in a lot of ways. We give each other space to pursue those interests, which is nice, but one way we reconnect is doing projects together like home improvement, organizing things, photo editing, etc. As our children get older we'd like to incorporate the entire family in these projects so our family and household are built through all our efforts.

I was taught the importance of saying I love you in a very indirect, but powerful way that I have never forgotten.

About 15 years or so ago I was in the bishop's office working something out and needed to call my husband (who I think was not a member of the church yet.) When I ended the phone call with just a goodbye my bishop looked at me sternly and said "I didn't hear you say I love you!" I sheepishly apologized and have never forgotten to part by phone or in person with an expression of love. I have slipped occasionally and willfully refused to do so because I was not happy, but I would say it only happens 1% of the time.

True Love is proven & developed by total submission & service.

Serving your spouse's 'every wish' all day, everyday, is what brings exultant ecstasy. Even if your spouse doesn't do it for you yet, you will fall madly in love with them, & get to live on that high plane. For we grow to love whom we serve.

Each spouse can make a 'love list', their top 10 things that would make you their 'ideal spouse', things you could 'be better at' or 'do for them'.

Examples of some requests may be: learn to play a certain sport, get in shape, go out to dinner once a week, go on long walks, lead out in having FHE, cook more or favorite meals, take a trip somewhere, go to the temple together more often, take up Family History, do the dishes, watch children more, show more affection, give up some undesirable trait or action, change job, move to another location, etc., etc.

Then exchange lists & with no expectations, do each others list as best you can, doing 1 or 2 things to start with. Some things on the list will be easier & some harder & will take longer to master or do. If your spouse is unwilling to make a list or do yours, just make a list for them from what you know they would like you to 'be or do'. (Their complaints give you good clues) And then just do their list, & in time, as they see you serving them so much, they will learn & feel more like doing your requests.

Just as the wicked 'King Lamoni' learned to trust & be amazed at 'Ammon' for his incredible & unmatched service to his every wish.

Christ knew what he was talking about when he commanded us to 'love our enemy', this is especially true if your spouse acts like an enemy. Loving & serving them won't always completely cure 'them' right away, but it will take the heavy feelings of resentment & anger out of your heart & replace it with intense love.

And it will stop any arguments between you, for you will always go with what 'they' want, (unless they ask for something evil).

In doing this, we should also make small, at 1st, requests of them to fulfill our needs & wishes, so they can have the same opportunity to fall more in love with us, by serving us. But with no expectations, for If they don't do our requests we must just keep doing theirs. Someday they will catch on & learn & do the same for us in return.

Expressing lots of 'gratitude' when they do do something on our list or something we asked is magic & greatly increases their desire to do more for us, & thus that benefits them too, for they get to fall in love with us more & feel those great feelings. Who doesn't want to be madly in love?

But we become truly Christlike & develop 'true love' (Charity), the greatest of all things, when we submit totally to our spouse & put their every wish & desire & need before our own, continually.

This works with even wicked or unfaithful spouses, in fact, the more wicked they are, the faster we will grow spiritually by loving & serving them this way. Of course though, we don't follow their evil requests, & we should protect ourselves if they are dangerous & instead love & serve them from a safe distance until they repent.

The ideal in marriage is called the 'Divine Dilemma', when each wants to do the wishes of the other.

Amore: Great post. Can be summed up in just afew words: selflessness and unconditional love. Can we talk about this further through PMs?

I've been married for 8 months now...I must say having sex brings us pretty darn close together...

oh ya thats right I went there B-) B-) B-)

Seriously tho physical affection is a good thing. More of it can never hurt

John: Physical intimacy is much more than the act of sex. It too a long time to realize that.

Samuel the Lamanite wrote:John: Physical intimacy is much more than the act of sex. It too a long time to realize that.

LOL brother ya don't date someone for years without knowing that and though my post was an attempt to lighten things up I meant what I said. Couples stop holding hands why? I know my wife would be mortified if I ever stopped.

John Locke wrote:I've been married for 8 months now...I must say having sex brings us pretty darn close together...

oh ya thats right I went there B-) B-) B-)

Seriously tho physical affection is a good thing. More of it can never hurt

I was going to put that as one of my examples on a love list, for it's often at the top of many people's list.

Dr. Laura recommends it 'every day'.

Samuel the Lamanite wrote: Can be summed up in just afew words: selflessness and unconditional love.

Sadly though, it's amazing how few people really believe in 'unconditional' love today. Most LDS seem to believe in 'conditional' love, only staying in the marriage or giving their all IF the other spouse does their part & is righteous & loves them back.

But Heavenly Father knew that in most marriages, even in the Church, at least 1 spouse wouldn't keep their covenants as they promised.

Thus he sent his Son, to preach 'unconditional love' to those who had an unfaithful or wicked spouse. It is the only remedy to save the marriage. It never fails to work, eventually.

To be 'madly in love' with our spouse, is just a divine 'choice', it has nothing to do with what our spouse is like or does.

"To those of you who live in troubled homes...Love is the only remedy. Revive the wondrous feeling that brought you to the marriage altar."
Pres. Hinckley, CR Apr. 1989.

Men usually feel closer to their wives when they have sex. Women need to feel close to their husband to have sex. Most men don't figure that out very well or quickly enough. Frankly the best sex is when you are also experiencing emotional and spiritual intimacy on a regular basis as well.

Nan: This is one big way that shows men are from Mars and women from VEnus. My wife has said this to me many times too. :-ss

Amore Vero wrote:

John Locke wrote:I've been married for 8 months now...I must say having sex brings us pretty darn close together...
oh ya thats right I went there B-) B-) B-)
Seriously tho physical affection is a good thing. More of it can never hurt

I was going to put that as one of my examples on a love list, for it's often at the top of many people's list.
Dr. Laura recommends it 'every day'.

Every day? The whole thing? Hmmm...
Was that recommended for both, or for just the guy?

A recent whoopee survey was once a week for newlyweds, then once a month after three years. Of course, maybe those couples weren't doing very well??

Who was it, JF.S, said something about "rarely"?

I would put "affection" and "physical intimacy" higher. And daily, too--to your degree.

My husband and I have only been married a little over 2 years, but I believe communication is a huge factor in our relationship. Like Rand and Zephyr mentioned, learning how you and your spouse communicate can be crucial to finding out how to improve your marriage (or any relationship). We're working on improving our communication!

I also think we all want to feel loved and appreciated, so I make an effort to thank my husband and tell him how much I love him...through both words and actions.

JohnnyL wrote: Every day? The whole thing? Hmmm...
Was that recommended for both, or for just the guy?

Dr. Laura was talking about how to make a man happy, but if the wife wants it that much too, then it would be of course 'the whole thing'.

It's of course according to what the other wants. Someone's spouse may not want it that much.

MY relationship with my husband is better when we go to the temple regularly.

chicafoom wrote:Great thread idea! I've only been married for 7 years so I hardly consider myself an expert or very experienced yet, but we have learned a few things along the way.

-We received this advice when we got married to tell each other one reason we love each other everyday. We do it after we've said our evening prayers together every night. Sometimes it's silly little things we noticed for the day and sometimes it's something pretty significant, but it just makes us pause and think about the day why we love and appreciate each other. Simple, but very effective.

-Our hobbies and interests are vastly different in a lot of ways. We give each other space to pursue those interests, which is nice, but one way we reconnect is doing projects together like home improvement, organizing things, photo editing, etc. As our children get older we'd like to incorporate the entire family in these projects so our family and household are built through all our efforts.

I have been married for 7 year also...actually 8 this coming week...wow time flies.
Great advice Chica!