LDS Freedom Forum

What quality defines us best as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? I would answer: we are a people who love the Lord with all our hearts, souls, and minds, and we love our neighbors as ourselves.

That is our signature as a people. It is like a beacon to the world, signaling whose disciples we are.

Charity - the Pure Love of Christ

Written by Karen Peterson

LDS Business College Devotional

October 18, 2006


Even God does not propose to judge man until the end of his days. Why should you and I? Ben Franklin said, “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” In his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie writes this: “In dealing with people, let us remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”

Carnegie suggests that instead of criticizing other people for what they do, we would be better served to try to figure out why they do what they do. It’s possible that if we were in their same place, we might not be so different. Abraham Lincoln said, “I will judge no man until I have walked in his footsteps.”

I believe that all any of us want is to be happy. Sometimes, because of circumstances, people get discouraged, get lonely, and they begin to grasp at momentary opportunities for happiness, no matter how temporary that might be. And they don’t understand at that time that happiness and joy are very, very different things. Satan knows that we are most vulnerable when we are discouraged, and that’s when he will strike us hardest.

If we can remember this, it will help us be more understanding of people who are not living the way we are living. It should give us a sense of responsibility. And instead of stepping on those people who are down, it should give us the desire to help lift them up, and to make them believe in themselves and in their ability to live the gospel.

There are people who have turned away from even suicide because they found just one person for whom they mattered. I know a woman who has fallen so far away from the Church that she believes there is no way for her to ever come back. She believes that her sins are so great that forgiveness is simply not possible. If she ever decides that it is possible for her, I hope and I pray that those of us around her would be there to help her learn how to believe in herself and her ability to be part of the flock of Christ once again.

Alma tells us in the Book of Mormon that “wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10) And it never was, and it never will be. And we know this. But this poor lady that I talked about, she is an example of what happens when we get too far away from the Spirit. I remember a bishop telling us once that when we feel the pain, the tremendous pain of guilt, we need to rejoice—because if we still feel guilt, there’s some part of the Spirit that’s still there. It’s when the guilt is gone that we know that the Spirit has left us. And I think that’s very powerful.

Adam fell, but remember that he fell forward. And wasn’t Corianton a better person after his repentance? And remember the story of Alma, who had so much repenting to do. Many times the lesson one learns during repentance can make him or her stronger than before the person fell. What did Jesus do when the woman accused of adultery was brought to him? He merely said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” (See John 8:7) And the people walked away one by one, and when they were all gone, Jesus forgave the woman. And he told her to sin no more.

A bishop once told his congregation, “I cannot tell you why people sin, but I can tell you how to help them desire repentance. Love them back into the fold. Just love them back into the fold.”

By gossiping, condemning, and scorning the sinner, we only drive that person farther away. I believe that you and I will have to account for those people whom we do drive away. We don’t know who is looking at us, who is watching us. We don’t know who is patterning their lives after us. But I think we will be accountable for the example we set.

One of the phrases we most commonly use in our prayers is “forgive us of our sins.” But the Lord will not forgive us unless we forgive others. He has told us, “And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.” (Moroni 7:18)

I think that, as Latter-day Saints, we often misplace our values. We become so busy with the little details of the gospel that we lose perspective. We forget that although obeying the Word of Wisdom, attending sacrament meeting, going to the temple and so on—these things are essential to our salvation—but alone, they will not get us back into the kingdom of our Father. We must be good Christians before we can ever be good Latter-day Saints. Just as one would not attempt to build a house without first preparing the foundation, neither can we be the best Latter-day Saints we can be if we are not first good Christians, unless our behavior is Christlike.

I heard a talk in a singles ward many years ago that has always stayed with me. It was a recent convert to the Church, and he told us that he had fourteen contacts with LDS people before he found one who made him desire to learn more about the gospel. He always felt that “if they’re not living their gospel, why would I want to be part of it? It must not matter.” Finally, there was a contact with a person who lived the gospel and shared it and presented him to the missionaries. And what a blessing in his life.

Of all the commandments, the one most emphasized is “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

“This is the first and great commandment.

“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

“On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

Another thing to remember is that we must be sincere in our love of our fellowmen. It is not enough to appear to be sincere. Many of the greatest wrongs have been committed by people who appeared to be sincere. Two 15th century philosophers are said to have had this conversation: What is a good man? Simply, one whose life is useful to the world. And a bad man is simply one whose life is harmful to the world. There are, however, those men who are harmful and yet enjoy a good reputation, who manage to profit by a show of usefulness and right and righteousness. These are the worst men of all.”

Brothers and sisters, Christlike behavior involved much fore than forgiving and accepting those who are not living the gospel. It involves the way we treat people in general. Human beings have a tendency to select friends who are similar to themselves, and to avoid those who are different. Think about that. Some people are particularly unkind to those who are less fortunate, or who don’t have desirable physical appearance or personality traits. Making fun of or belittling the unfortunate or the misfit can be equated in my mind to kicking someone while he is down. It is totally un-Christlike and indicates a personal character that lacks compassion and respect for all of God’s children.

This last week, as I have been thinking about my talk, I found myself assessing my own personal character and thinking about how Christlike I am. I gave myself good marks in some areas, and not so good marks in others. It occurred to me that I am very kind to the underdog and the less fortunate, probably because while I was in elementary and junior high school, I considered myself to be one of them. So I am very nice to them.

I decided that I do okay in the area of managing my temper, and not lashing out at people when they upset me. Maybe this is because I was raised in a household where that type of behavior was simply not acceptable. While I don’t lose my temper or yell or demean others, I have often been guilty of expressing my anger or frustration behind the person’s back. And you know it always gets back to the other person. Is it any less hurtful to hear something negative second- or third-hand than it is to have said it to their face? Said it to your face? I’ve been working on this for a long time, and I’m much better. But I’m not there yet.

While I was doing this self-assessment, I had kind of an epiphany. Do you like that word, Glen? Glen is a word master. I had a new realization that just popped into my consciousness without any warning. I can be an unfriendly person. That is not Christlike.

Now, in the Dean of Students office, and in the classroom, and with my coworkers, I am very much an extrovert. I’m comfortable with the situation, I’m eager to be with these people—you people. And I’m at ease with many of the people in my neighborhood and many of the people at Church. The problem comes when I am around people I don’t know. Because by nature I am an introvert, extroverting myself is very exhausting for me when I’m with people I don’t know. At a ward banquet, I always say to Glen, “Let’s sit by people we know.” And he always says, “No. Let’s sit by people we don’t know, so that we can become acquainted with them.” And then I think, “Oh, it’s going to be a long night.” Because making that small talk is so difficult for me, it just exhausts me.

Well, let’s look at me at the bus stop, or on a bus or an airplane. I cannot get my nose into the book fast enough, because that’s the message “I’m busy; don’t bother me.” How busy can you be on an airplane? But it’s just more relaxing if I don’t have to be with strangers and make conversation.

The realization that I’m not always friendly has startled me. It has humbled me. It is not Christlike. I need to make some serious changes in my behavior. Elder Russell Nelson said, “While we are free to choose, we are forever tied to the consequences of our choice.”

Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared with what lies within us.” What is within you? Is it Christlike? What is within me? Is it Christlike?

Learning to be Christlike comes with maturity. Jeffrey Holland had a comment to make about the youth of Zion who are still maturing. He said, “Many students have not yet made the connection between what they say, what they believe, and what they live.” It’s incorporating our belief into our actions.

Now in my critical thinking class, I assign my students, for their midterm to read the prophet’s book Standing for Something and then to go back to Chapter Two of our textbook which talks about ideal values versus real values. And then their job for the midterm is to write a paper in which they assess where they are on those virtues that the prophet discusses. Because in Chapter Two of the text, it says: “You can have an ideal value, but if it isn’t part of you so that you do it without thinking almost, it’s not a real value yet.” So I asked the students to put themselves somewhere on a continuum of one to ten how real is that value. We may say that we value chastity. But if we are not chaste, it is not a real value yet. And the same with loving our fellowmen. We can say that we do, and that we know that we should, but if we are not doing it, it’s not a real value yet.

When Christ was giving the Sermon on the Mount, he said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven….

“Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

“Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

“Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” (Matthew 5:3-9)

It seems that God has no room in his kingdom for the proud, the vain, or the hypocrite. In Luke he tells this parable: “Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.

“The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.

“I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all I possess.

“And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.

“I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.” (Luke 18:10-14)

As great a man as was Socrates, he had this to say about himself: “Only one thing I know, and that is I know nothing.” The more we learn, the more we realize how much more there is to learn. It’s like coming to realize that leaving college is not the end of our education; it is only the beginning. We are lifelong learners. We will realize that in college we have only received just a peek into all of these areas of knowledge, and everything else is up to us to learn.

Socrates knew that. Whenever we think we know it all, we are wrong. I told my granddaughter, “I’m so proud of you, taking ballet lessons and learning to do ballet.” She’s four. She says, “I alweady know how to do ballet.” Are we ever like that? “I already know how to do that.” No, if we’re humble, if we’re Christlike, we always know that we need to be taught, and have our spirits in that teachable mode where we know we don’t know everything.

Now the importance of charity can’t be overemphasized. The Book of Mormon and the Bible both spend considerable time talking about charity. “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

“And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

“And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind; and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it [will] be well with him.” (Moroni 7:45-47)

You have heard this poem many times, but it reminds us that every soul has value and that we must never give up on anything because everyone can be brought back. Everyone can be made to belong. Everyone can know the joy of being in a Christlike environment, and to become Christlike themselves.

‘Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer

Thought it scarcely worth his time

To spend much time on the old violin

But he held it up with a smile.

What am I bidden, good people, he cried

Who’ll start the bidding for me?

A dollar, a dollar, now two, only two?

Two dollars and who’ll make it three?

Three dollars once, three dollars twice,

And going for three…but no.

From the room, far back, a grey-haired man

Came forward and picked up the bow.

And wiping the dust from the old violin,

And tightening the loose strings,

He played a melody pure and sweet

As sweet as an angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer

In a voice that was quiet and low, said

What am I bid for the old violin?

And he held it up with the bow.

A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?

Two thousand and who’ll make it three?

Three thousand once, three thousand twice,

And going and gone, said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried

We do not quite understand.

What changed its worth?

Swift came the reply:

‘Twas the touch of the master’s hand.

And many a man with life out of tune

And battered and scarred with sin

Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd

Much like the old violin.

A mess of pottage, a glass of wine,

A game, and he travels on.

He’s going once, he’s going twice,

He’s going, and almost gone.

But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd

Can never quite understand

The worth of a soul, or the change that’s wrought

By the touch of the Master’s hand.

(The Touch of the Master’s Hand, by Myra Brooks Welch)

Sometimes, the Master is the Savior. Or it might be you. Or it might be me. Is this opportunity something we will pass by? This opportunity to lift a soul in need; to befriend a person in need of acceptance. To climb your success ladder—professionally and personally—ethically, being fair and square, and not stepping on anybody on your way up. People will watch. People will see. People will measure their behavior against your example. We just don’t know for whom we are role models. What if that example leads them the wrong way? What if the direction we’re modeling is away from righteousness rather than toward it?

When I was in high school, there was a boxer, an LDS boxer named Gene Fulmer. And he won a championship, for the middleweight. He came to a fireside at our stake, and he closed his talk with this prayer, and I went up to him and asked for a copy. So I’ve had this many, many years, and I like it. It’s called “The Athlete’s Prayer,” but I think it applies to all of us in whatever we’re doing in life, and I would like to share it with you.

Dear God,
Help me to be a sport in this game of life. I don’t ask for an easy place in the lineup; play me anywhere you need me. I only ask for the stuff to give you one hundred percent of what I’ve got. If all the hard drives come my way, I thank you for the compliment. Help me to remember that you won’t ever let anything happen to me that you and I together can’t handle. And help me to take the bad breaks as part of the game.

Help me to remember that the game is full of knots, and knocks and trouble, and make me thankful for them. Help me to get so that the harder they come, the better I like it. And dear Lord, help me always to play on the square. No matter what the other fellow did, help me to come clean. Help me to study the books so I’ll know the rules, and study and think about the Greatest Player that ever lived. If He found that the best part of the game was in helping the person who was out of luck, help me to find out, too. Help me to be a regular fellow with the other fellows.

Finally, dear Lord, if fate seems to uppercut me with both hands, and I’m laid on the shelf with sickness or old age or something else, help me to take that as part of the game too. Help me not to whimper or squeal that the game was a frame-up or that I had a raw deal. Amen.

It is my prayer, brothers and sisters, that you and I will each look at ourselves and look deeply into our behaviors, and determine to what extent our behaviors and our attitudes are Christ-like. And where they are not, let’s go to work. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


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....Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...

"Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself....

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other" (Ensign, May 1992, 18).

"The Book of Mormon provides insight into the relationship between patience and charity. Mormon... name the 13 elements of charity, or the pure love of Christ. I find it most interesting that 4 of the 13 elements of this must-have virtue relate to patience (see Moroni 7:44–45).

"First, 'charity suffereth long.' That is what patience is all about. Charity 'is not easily provoked' is another aspect of this quality, as is charity 'beareth all things.' And finally, charity 'endureth all things' is certainly an expression of patience (Moroni 7:45). From these defining elements it is evident that without patience gracing our soul, we would be seriously lacking with respect to a Christlike character" (Ensign, Nov 2006, 15–17).

We ought always to live with reference to eternity, feeling full of kindness, benevolence, charity and long suffering to all."

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: John Taylor, 21

"When we seek to serve others, we are motivated not by selfishness but by charity. This is the way Jesus Christ lived His life and the way a holder of the priesthood must live his. The Savior did not care for the honors of men; Satan offered Him all the kingdoms and glory of the world, and Jesus rejected the offer immediately and completely (see Matthew 4:8–10). Throughout His life, the Savior must have often felt tired and pressed upon, with scarcely a moment to Himself; yet He always made time for the sick, the sorrowful, and the overlooked."

"Lift Where You Stand," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 54

If there be any within the sound of my voice who have harbored grudges, who have let hatred develop in their hearts one toward another, I ask you to make the effort to turn around. Hatred always fails and bitterness always destroys, but “charity never faileth.” (1 Cor 13:8)

(“‘Charity Never Faileth,’” Ensign, November 1981, p. 98.)

Defining and understanding “Charity”

Published on Nov 29, 2010 by Steven Reed

They don’t write definitions the way they used to anymore. This is just one more great reason why I love Webster’s 1828 Dictionary. The standard definition for ‘selfish’ is pretty straightforward, but then you come to ‘selfishly’ and then POW, you’ve got some brilliantly delivered doctrine!

SELF’ISHLY, adv. The exclusive of a person to his own interest or happiness; or that supreme self-love or self-preference, which leads a person in his actions to direct his purposes to the advancement of his own interest, power or happiness, without regarding the interest of others. Selfishness, in its worst or unqualified sense, is the very essence of human depravity, and it stands in direct opposition to benevolence, which is the essence of the divine character. As God is love, so man, in his natural state, is selfishness.

So if we want to dig a little deeper here, we will find a profound truth. We are used to two ends of a spectrum in our faith, we usually speak of pride and humility. But, in my opinion there is something more specifically worse than pride and infinitely greater than humility; it is selfishness on one end and at the other end, charity, which is the benevolence of Christ.

So what is benevolence? We think we know, but what does Webster say?

BENEV’OLENCE, n. [L. benevolentia, of bene, well and volo, to will or wish. See Will.] 1. The disposition to do good; good will; kindness; charitableness; the love, of mankind, accompanied with a desire to promote their happiness.

I hope some of this is sounding familiar. Remember the people of King Benjamin and what they said:

And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. (Mosiah 5:2)

Their disposition was changed, but how? Now this is something that has taken me years and specific sacred experiences to understand. It all centers on knowing what charity is and you can search every dictionary in the world and find several definitions which are not the same as what the truth is. The fact of the matter is that even though this principle is taught in the Bible and other scripture, there isn’t a specific word for it.

The word ‘charity’ in the Book of Mormon is either slightly different than what the word in the Bible means or the Nephites had a word unique to them for it but the English word ‘charity’ is as close as they could come. That said, the Book of Mormon defines exactly what ‘charity’ really is. This next verse, I believe, is one of the most critically important verses in all scripture.

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. (Moroni 7:47)

We’ve all heard it before. Yet look a little harder, when Moroni teaches that “whoso is found possessed OF it…” he did not say “whoso is found possessed with it…” he said OF it. So then, what IS the pure love of Christ and how can it possess you?

The pure love of Christ is Messianic benevolence. It is a Messianic disposition to do good and beyond that a desire for mankind’s happiness but NOT man’s disposition and NOT man’s desire; it is the disposition and desire of a SAVIOR, of THE Savior. The pure love of Christ is a force, a power beyond anything the mind of flesh can comprehend in words and metaphors. It must be experienced from the source. It comes from him, not from us, it is HIS pure love, and we become possessed OF it when we have been made partakers of it through our own true, redemptive repentance and have tasted of it through the power of the atonement personally!

That pure love is there for anyone who humbles themselves and repents, but to be possessed of that pure love that comes next is a choice that we must make. We can experience it and step aside or bask in it and be transformed by it.

You’ve read about this before! Read Alma 36 again but read it closer now; read about the sons of Mosiah and that love that flowed through them enough that they could not be restrained from reaching out to their brethren the Lamanites. Once one has truly repented and the love of Jesus Christ himself has poured into them, they experience a fundamental change. When you know the love of Christ for you personally, you understand how he views every other living soul and you cannot help but see them, at least partially, through his eyes.

This love then flows through you and not from you, at least until you are perfected in Christ to the degree where your love is as pure as his. All that I can say at this point, is that I have come at least as far as Alma the younger did in his conversion. I did not know what charity, or Christ’s pure love was until I experienced it for myself. I can tell you that Jesus Christ does, in fact, live and that any soul that walks this earth, can seek this Jesus and become a partaker in the common experience that unites millions across the globe and throughout time.

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"When we have entered into divine covenants, the Holy Ghost is our comforter, our guide, and our companion. The fruits of the Holy Spirit are "the peaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgment" (Moses 6:61). The gifts of the Holy Spirit are testimony, faith, knowledge, wisdom, revelations, miracles, healing, and charity, to name but a few."

--D. Todd Christofferson, "The Power of Covenants", Ensign, May 2009, 19–23

"How Do I Love Thee?"

JEFFREY R. HOLLAND

I am delighted to be with you the day after Valentine's Day and the day before Sister Holland's birthday. Guess what is on my mind! Guess what I am going to talk about! Yes, I am going to talk about love, because Shakespeare made me do it. You see, it is the fifteenth of February. If it were the fifteenth of March, it would be the ides of March. And everybody remembers what Brutus did to Julius Caesar on the ides of March--and it befell Mark Antony to get back at Brutus in the great funeral oration, the same Mark Antony who let Cleopatra take him for the proverbial trip up the Nile without a paddle. Never mind that the ides of February were actually the day before yesterday. I am certainly not going to let that stop me from speaking about love and romance and marriage--a topic absolutely foreign to the interests of those on the BYU campus and one scarcely mentioned here this entire month. Indulge me. Pretend you are interested--if only because Sister Holland is my valentine and it is her birthday tomorrow.

You know, winning Sister Holland was not an easy thing to do. I worked at it and worked at it and worked at it until I finally had the courage to ask for her hand. In a romantic setting I said as meekly and humbly as I could, "Pat, will you marry me?"

To which she said, "Oh, dearest darling, dearest loved one, yes. Yes, yes, yes. When shall we set the date? Oh, we have got to reserve the temple. I know exactly what colors I want for the bridesmaids. Should we have the reception indoors or out? And someone must be at the guest book. And I can just see in my mind the cake that we want. . . ."

Then she stopped mid-sentence and said, "Oh, darling. You are so overcome you are speechless. Here I have just gone on and on. Wouldn't you like to say something on this night of nights?"

To which I replied, "I think I have said too much already."

She counters that story by reminding me that when I arrived for our first date, her little brother shouted to her, "Hey, dreamboat, your barnacle is here!"

Actually neither of those stories is true, but who knows? Maybe you can use them someday when you have to speak at BYU on love and marriage.

Do let me now be serious. What I have learned of romantic love and the beauty of marriage I have learned from Sister Holland. I am honored to be her husband and am happy for you that she is on this campus again this morning, if only for an hour or two. As I once said of her, paraphrasing what Mark Twain's Adam said of his Eve, "Wherever she was, there was paradise" (see "Adam's Diary").

I wish to speak to you this morning about Christlike love and what I think it can and should mean in your friendships, in your dating, in serious courtship, and, ultimately, in your marriage.

I approach the subject knowing full well that, as a newly engaged young woman said to me just last month, "There is certainly a lot of advice out there!" I don't want to add needlessly to this rhetoric on romance, but I believe that second only to your membership in the Church, your "membership in a marriage" is the most important association you will have in time and eternity--and to the faithful what doesn't come in time will come in eternity. So perhaps all of you will forgive me for offering, yes, more advice. But I wish it to be scriptural advice, gospel advice. Advice, if you will, that is as basic to life as it is to love--counsel that is equally applicable to men and to women. It has nothing to do with trends or tides of the time or tricks of the trade but has everything to do with the truth.

So may I put your friendships and dates and eventually your marriages in a scriptural context this morning and speak to you of what I will try to communicate as true love.

After a long wonderful discourse by Mormon on the subject of charity, the seventh chapter of Moroni tells us that this highest of Christian virtues is more accurately labeled "the pure love of Christ."



And it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him [and her].

Wherefore, . . . pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons [and daughters] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; . . . that we may be purified even as he is pure. [Moroni 7:47–48]



True charity, the absolutely pure, perfect love of Christ, has really been known only once in this world--in the form of Christ Himself, the living Son of the living God. It is Christ's love that Mormon goes to some length to describe for us and that Paul the Apostle did as well some years before, writing to the Corinthians in New Testament times. As in everything, Christ is the only one who got it all right, did it all perfectly, loved the way we are all to try to love. But even though we fall short, that divine standard is there for us. It is a goal toward which we are to keep reaching, keep striving--and, certainly, a goal to keep appreciating.

And as we speak of this, may I remind you, as Mormon explicitly taught, that this love, this ability, capacity, and reciprocation we all so want, is a gift. It is "bestowed"--that is Mormon's word. It doesn't come without effort and it doesn't come without patience, but, like salvation itself, in the end it is a gift, given by God to the "true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ." The solutions to life's problems are always gospel solutions. Not only are answers found in Christ, but so is the power, the gift, the bestowal, the miracle of giving and receiving those answers. In this matter of love, no doctrine could be more encouraging to us than that.

I have taken for a title to my remarks Mrs. Browning's wonderful line "How do I love thee?" (Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnets from the Portuguese [1850], no. 43.) I am not going to "count the ways" this morning, but I am impressed with her choice of adverb--not when do I love thee nor where do I love thee nor why do I love thee nor why don't you love me, but, rather, how. How do I demonstrate it, how do I reveal my true love for you? Mrs. Browning was correct. Real love is best shown in the "how," and it is with the how that Mormon and Paul help us the most.

The first element of divine love--pure love--taught by these two prophets is its kindness, its selfless quality, its lack of ego and vanity and consuming self-centeredness. "Charity suffereth long, and is kind, [charity] envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own" (Moroni 7:45). I have heard President Hinckley teach publicly and privately what I suppose all leaders have said--that most problems in love and marriage ultimately start with selfishness. In outlining ideal love in which Christ, the most unselfish man who ever lived, is the great example, it is not surprising that this scriptural commentary starts here.

There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a serious date--to say nothing of a spouse and eternal companion--but surely among the very first and most basic of those qualities will be those of care and sensitivity toward others, a minimum of self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident. "That best portion of a good man's life [is] his . . . kindness," said Mr. William Wordsworth (Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey [1798], lines 33–35). There are lots of limitations in all of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook. I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can't always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command--such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them.

I like Mormon and Paul's language that says one who truly loves is not "puffed up." Puffed up! Isn't that a great image? Haven't you ever been with someone who was so conceited, so full of themselves that they seemed like the Pillsbury Doughboy? Fred Allen said once that he saw such a fellow walking down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves. That is Christ's great atoning example for us, and it ought to be more evident in the kindness we show, the respect we give, and the selflessness and courtesy we employ in our personal relationships.

Love is a fragile thing, and some elements in life can try to break it. Much damage can be done if we are not in tender hands, caring hands. To give ourselves totally to another person, as we do in marriage, is the most trusting step we take in any human relationship. It is a real act of faith--faith all of us must be willing to exercise. If we do it right, we end up sharing everything--all our hopes, all our fears, all our dreams, all our weaknesses, and all our joys--with another person.

No serious courtship or engagement or marriage is worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the one we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety's sake. The very nature of the endeavor requires that you hold on to each other as tightly as you can and jump in the pool together. In that spirit, and in the spirit of Mormon's plea for pure love, I want to impress upon you the vulnerability and delicacy of your partner's future as it is placed in your hands for safekeeping--male and female, it works both ways.

Sister Holland and I have been married for nearly 37 years, just a half-dozen or so years short of twice as long as we have lived without each other. I may not know everything about her, but I know 37 years' worth, and she knows that much of me. I know her likes and dislikes, and she knows mine. I know her tastes and interests, hopes and dreams, and she knows mine. As our love has grown and our relationship has matured, we have been increasingly free with each other about all of that.

The result is that I know much more clearly now how to help her, and, if I let myself, I know exactly what will hurt her. In the honesty of our love--love that can't truly be Christlike without such total devotion--surely God will hold me accountable for any pain I cause her by intentionally exploiting or hurting her when she has been so trusting of me, having long since thrown away any self-protection in order that we could be, as the scripture says, "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). To impair or impede her in any way for my gain or vanity or emotional mastery over her should disqualify me on the spot to be her husband. Indeed, it should consign my miserable soul to eternal incarceration in that large and spacious building Lehi says is the prison of those who live by "vain imaginations" and the "pride of the world" (1 Nephi 11:36, 12:18). No wonder that building is at the opposite end of the field from the tree of life representing the love of God! In all that Christ was, He was not ever envious or inflated, never consumed with His own needs. He did not once, not ever, seek His own advantage at the expense of someone else. He delighted in the happiness of others, the happiness He could bring them. He was forever kind.

In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.

Members of the First Presidency have taught that "any form of physical or mental abuse to any woman is not worthy of any priesthood holder" and that no "man who holds the priesthood of God [should] abuse his wife in any way, [or] demean or injure or take undue advantage of [any] woman"--and that includes friends, dates, sweethearts, and fiancées, to say nothing of wives (James E. Faust, "The Highest Place of Honor," Ensign, May 1988, 37, and Gordon B. Hinckley, "Reach Out in Love and Kindness," Ensign, November 1982, 77).

If you are just going for pizza or to play a set of tennis, go with anyone who will provide good, clean fun. But if you are serious, or planning to be serious, please find someone who brings out the best in you and is not envious of your success. Find someone who suffers when you suffer and who finds his or her happiness in your own.

The second segment of this scriptural sermon on love in Moroni 7:45 says that true charity--real love--"is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity." Think of how many arguments could be avoided, how many hurt feelings could be spared, how many cold shoulders and silent treatments could be ended, and, in a worst-case scenario, how many breakups and divorces could be avoided if we were not so easily provoked, if we thought no evil of one another, and if we not only did not rejoice in iniquity but didn't rejoice even in little mistakes.

Temper tantrums are not cute even in children; they are despicable in adults, especially adults who are supposed to love each other. We are too easily provoked; we are too inclined to think that our partner meant to hurt us--meant to do us evil, so to speak; and in defensive or jealous response we too often rejoice when we see them make a mistake and find them in a fault. Let's show some discipline on this one. Act a little more maturely. Bite your tongue if you have to. "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city" (Proverbs 16:32). At least one difference between a tolerable marriage and a great one may be that willingness in the latter to allow some things to pass without comment, without response.

I mentioned Shakespeare earlier. In a talk on love and romance you might well expect a reference to Romeo and Juliet. But let me refer to a much less virtuous story. With Romeo and Juliet the outcome was a result of innocence gone awry, a kind of sad, heartbreaking mistake between two families that should have known better. But in the tale of Othello and Desdemona the sorrow and destruction is calculated--it is maliciously driven from the beginning. Of all the villains in Shakespeare's writing, and perhaps in all of literature, there is no one I loathe so much as I loathe Iago. Even his name sounds evil to me, or at least it has become so. And what is his evil, and Othello's tragic, near-inexcusable susceptibility to it? It is the violation of Moroni 7 and 1 Corinthians 13. Among other things, they sought for evil where none existed, they embraced imaginary iniquity. The villains here rejoiced not "in the truth." Of the innocent Desdemona, Iago said, "I turn her virtue into pitch; / And out of her own goodness make the net / That shall enmesh them all" (William Shakespeare, Othello, act 2, scene 3, lines 366–68). Sowing doubt and devilish innuendo, playing on jealousy and deceit and finally murderous rage, Iago provokes Othello into taking Desdemona's life--virtue turned into pitch, goodness twisted into a fatal net.

Now, thank heavens, here in Happy Valley this morning we are not talking of infidelity, real or imagined, or of murder; but in the spirit of a university education, let's learn the lessons being taught. Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad. Encourage in yourself what Abraham Lincoln called "the better angels of our nature" (First Inaugural Address, 4 March 1861). Othello could have been saved even in the last moment when he kissed Desdemona and her purity was so evident. "That [kiss] dost almost persuade / Justice to break her sword!" he said (act 5, scene 2, lines 16–17). Well, he would have been spared her death and then his own suicide if he had broken what he considered justice's sword right then and there rather than, figuratively speaking, using it on her. This tragically sad Elizabethan tale could have had a beautiful, happy ending if just one man, who then influenced another, had thought no evil, had rejoiced not in iniquity, but had rejoiced in the truth.

Thirdly and lastly, the prophets tell us that true love "beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). Once again that is ultimately a description of Christ's love--He is the great example of one who bore and believed and hoped and endured. We are invited to do the same in our courtship and in our marriage to the best of our ability. Bear up and be strong. Be hopeful and believing. Some things in life we have little or no control over. These have to be endured. Some disappointments have to be lived with in love and in marriage. These are not things anyone wants in life, but sometimes they come. And when they come, we have to bear them; we have to believe; we have to hope for an end to such sorrows and difficulty; we have to endure until things come right in the end.

One of the great purposes of true love is to help each other in these times. No one ought to have to face such trials alone. We can endure almost anything if we have someone at our side who truly loves us, who is easing the burden and lightening the load. In this regard, a friend from our BYU faculty, Professor Brent Barlow, told me some years ago about Plimsoll marks.

As a youth in England, Samuel Plimsoll was fascinated with watching ships load and unload their cargoes. He soon observed that, regardless of the cargo space available, each ship had its maximum capacity. If a ship exceeded its limit, it would likely sink at sea. In 1868 Plimsoll entered Parliament and passed a merchant shipping act that, among other things, called for making calculations of how much a ship could carry. As a result, lines were drawn on the hull of each ship in England. As the cargo was loaded, the freighter would sink lower and lower into the water. When the water level on the side of the ship reached the Plimsoll mark, the ship was considered loaded to capacity, regardless of how much space remained. As a result, British deaths at sea were greatly reduced.

Like ships, people have differing capacities at different times and even different days in their lives. In our relationships we need to establish our own Plimsoll marks and help identify them in the lives of those we love. Together we need to monitor the load levels and be helpful in shedding or at least readjusting some cargo if we see our sweetheart is sinking. Then, when the ship of love is stabilized, we can evaluate long-term what has to continue, what can be put off until another time, and what can be put off permanently. Friends, sweethearts, and spouses need to be able to monitor each other's stress and recognize the different tides and seasons of life. We owe it to each other to declare some limits and then help jettison some things if emotional health and the strength of loving relationships are at risk. Remember, pure love "beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things," and helps loved ones do the same.

Let me close. In Mormon's and Paul's final witnesses, they declare that "charity [pure love] never faileth" (Moroni 7:46, 1 Corinthians 13:8). It is there through thick and thin. It endures through sunshine and shadow, through darkest sorrow and on into the light. It never fails. So Christ loved us, and that is how He hoped we would love each other. In a final injunction to all his disciples for all time, He said, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you" (John 13:34; emphasis added). Of course such Christlike staying power in romance and marriage requires more than any of us really have. It requires something more, an endowment from heaven. Remember Mormon's promise: that such love--the love we each yearn for and cling to--is "bestowed" upon "true followers of Christ." You want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Or, to phrase that more positively, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness for you and for your sweetheart. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way "never faileth." I so testify and express my love for you and for Him, in the sacred name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

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“Too often, charity is extended to another when his actions or conduct are acceptable to us. The exhibition of charity to another must not be dependent on his performance. It should be given because of who we are—not because of how we behave.”

—H. Burke Peterson, “Our Responsibility to Care for Our Own,” Ensign, May 1981, 82