I can't believe I am posting.

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John Tavner
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Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by John Tavner »

EndTimesBeliever wrote: February 5th, 2024, 11:31 am What being possess was like for me

Being possessed and being crazy appears to me to be fairly similar to having Alzheimer’s. My mother is suffering from Alzheimer’s/Dementia and although I don’t live near her and don’t see her often, the few times that I have witnessed her behavior I have felt a strong similarity with what I felt and how I acted. If you have been around people with Alzheimer’s/Dementia you will know that at some points in time they are completely cognizant of their surroundings and what is going on around them; they act like themselves. Sometimes they have no idea who they are and what is going on, but they are calm. Other times, they are certain truly bizarre things are happening and are quite agitated. (For instance, one day my mother insisted on standing outside in the snowy cold for quite some time before my sister could convince her that the house was not on fire and it was safe to come inside.) You just aren’t sure from moment to moment how they will be acting.

In my opinion, I was possessed for two or three days and that when the devil’s left (were successfully cast out) they left behind as much damage to my brain as they possibly could and then I was “crazy.” Although I was possessed, there were times that I was completely normal, but I couldn’t exert enough force to remain in a normal state. During the time that I was possessed, the devil used my own voice to talk to me. I felt as if there was a large “chamber” inside of me that had been activated. This “chamber” had somehow come with me at birth and was full of all the word’s that the devil wanted to say to me, and that I couldn’t do anything to stop the words from coming out, just like you can’t stop the air from coming out of a balloon with a pin-prick hole. You might slow it down here or there with different efforts, but it is coming out.

One of the first things I remember the devil telling me was that I was “25 years late.” He had been expecting me evidently, but I was off schedule, at least in his opinion. (Maybe he just misunderstood God’s timing.) At any rate, he belittled me for my efforts and being late. He also stated that Jesus had been late. I believe that it was in this same “conversation” that he belittled me for needing help. He said something like, “You are weak and insignificant, just like Him. You need help from others, just like He did. He would not have succeeded if Father had not helped Him!” I took that to mean that the devil doesn’t’ think much of the Savior and thinks the Savior should have been able to do things on his own without help from anyone including His Father in Heaven.

I am not sure if I had thought much about Christ needing help before this incidence. I have thought about it a fair amount since. The role He played was so hard, that even as a half-god, He could not accomplish it without help. He needed a lot of help. How much interaction He had with Heavenly Father directly is not given us to know, but we do know that until that moment on the cross when Heavenly Father withdrew His presence, Jesus had never been without that connection to His Father. We know that he received instructions throughout His life that helped Him understand His mission and purpose and helped Him to prepare to fulfill His role. We also know that He had angelic visitations to strengthen Him during His time in Gethsemane. I would imagine that He had multitudes praying for Him and the successful completion of His mission. I expect that since He was the only one capable of fulfilling His mission, many of the people who helped Him to be successful were “below His station,” but He did not turn away their help. I believe that the devil spoke the truth that Jesus did need help to complete His mission; He could not have done it alone. I don’t agree with the devil that it was a bad thing for Him to have needed help; I don’t believe that it proves He was weak and less than He should have been. I don’t believe that we should look down on the Savior for needing and accepting help. I think we should emulate Him. We should be more willing to accept that this life is hard, the missions that we have been given are hard, if not impossible, and we should admit that we need help not only from Heavenly Father, Jesus Chris, and the Holy Ghost, but from our fellow human beings as well. We should not beat ourselves up for needing help. We should have more an attitude of “Even the Savior Himself needed help from others; Am I greater than He?” Also, we should not look down on others for needing help and be more willing to help others along their path. (Of course, there is still some balance and moderation to be found as in all things. You have to do your part and put in your personal effort, but you need to give help to others and receive help from others as well in order to be successful at accomplishing your life’s mission.)

Another thing that is very common to “going crazy” is “delusions of grandeur.” I experienced this a bit before going crazy, as I really thought God was using me to do a great work to prepare for the Second Coming. I believe that it was in this same “conversation” with the devil that I have been discussing that he told me that I am “The Daughter of Eve of the Morning of the First Resurrection.” (This is not a station that I had ever heard or previously. I have never heard any scriptural evidence for such a station. But, at least you can rest easy that I am not vying for the position of “Savior” or “Davidic Servant.” :) ). It was for my duties in this regard that I was 25 years late. Something to do with pulling out the “pegs” so things would get rolling along towards everything falling completely apart and the Second Coming getting underway. Somehow I was to cause or did cause the transition from the one period of time to the other. I believe further explanation of this will fit better in a different portion of my story.

In another “conversation” with the devil, he told me that he was Heavenly Father. (He actually tried to convince me of this in several different ways in several different “conversations.”) He told me that he was upset with how the world was going, that we are completely failing to come together to create Zion. He told me that he was going to destroy the world, just blow it up, and then reset it, to see if he could get it to finally “work out.” He was lonely and just wanted to have his family back. The idea that came with this was that he didn’t have to go back to square one and wait for billions of people to be born, that he could just blow it up, reshuffle the people giving them new memories and assignments and see if that change made the difference in the outcome. It sounded like he had done this multiple times in the past, but the way it works for at least for us humans, is that we don’t know anything happened.

Another thing that he told me was that it was “my privilege” to be his wife when this life is all over. Even when I thought there was a chance that he was really Heavenly Father, that idea didn’t appeal to me. So, I told him that I didn’t want to be his wife. He then informed me that actually, I already was his wife; that I had come to this earth a million times already to try to earn my escape from him because I hate him so much. He told me that I had tried a million times and failed a million times. He told me that I would be stuck as his wife for eternity; that I would fail again this time to break free.

In another “conversation” when he was pretending to be Heavenly Father, he told me that I was responsible for bringing Satan to earth. That he had been hidden inside of me and not really here on earth up until this time. This “conversation” is a bit more convoluted and hard to grasp than some of the others. At any rate, he was God, but he had had to lie just one time. He had lied to me to get me to wherever I needed to be to get the devil put inside me before I was born and then he had bound up my mouth, nose, ears, etc so there was no way Satan could get out ahead of schedule. I guess this was why I had Satan inside of me at the moment and he could use my voice to talk to me; he had been there my entire life waiting. At any rate, it was all for the best in his opinion that he had lied to me, and didn’t I think that in the end if things work out well that it was OK for him, as God, to have just told one lie? Did he have to cease to be God just over that one little lie to one person?

Satan would talk to me for a bit and then leave me alone for a time to think through things and decide on my response. When he left me alone, I would lean more toward normal for a time while I pondered over the things he had said. As soon as I decided that I saw the way through his lies, he would try another story or tactic. Honestly, it took me a while to work through this one and come to the realization that in the end, one lie is too many for God to tell. My first instinct was I could “take one for the team” if it meant all would work out well in the end; that I could forgive God for one lie that was told just to me. But over a few hours time I did come to the conclusion that if he really had been Heavenly Father and told me a lie that he had fallen and had ceased to be God; that it is impossible to tell such a lie to just one person as the entire act was intended to deception toward the entire human race. (As a side note: my opinion (as someone with experience but not expertise) is that Emily is going through a similar experience. I believe that she was/is possessed. I do believe that she fought and won a great victory, probably many over the years, but that the devil doesn’t give up nor play fair; he just changes the story and the tactics. It will just take time before she can comprehend the flaws, break free, and gain victory over the current assault. I attest to the fact that things seem way more plausible and make way more sense to you when you are under spiritual attack and/or are crazy; the same way that dreams make way more sense when you are having them than after you wake up. My opinion is that it is very hard to determine what is really happening and reality (true) verses what is really happening and false (a lie). But the strange things you are experiencing really are happening to you.)

Yet another “conversation” with the devil was about numbers. If I had written this about 7 years ago rather than waiting to write it now, I probably could have explained it to you, but now I cannot remember how he meant to overpower and confuse me with numbers. I just remember he spouted some number “a bunch of words I had never heard before” and after a bit of thought I spouted back some number “a bunch of words probably similar to what he had used but in a different order” and said something like “You can’t catch me by lying about numbers, I have always been better with numbers than you.” I will find it quite interesting in the next life if I am actually really good with numbers. (My degree is in Math Education and I was often the high grade in my classes, but I still count on my fingers.) I will also be interested to find out if any of the words used in this exchange actually had anything to do with numbers at all. (I expect there is some recording of the event that I can look back on for reference after I am dead. Then again, it might flash by so quickly even though I get to see it, I won’t have time to compute it and make sense out of it then either.)

In another “conversation” Satan told me that I had not actually qualified to come to earth because I was way too _________. I am not really sure what it was but something along the lines of arrogant and prideful I believe. I am not exactly sure how I snuck past God and got here or why he decided to “let me have a go at it” even though I was not qualified to come. But I felt convicted that it was probably true that I was way too whatever the exact word was; that I had felt, at least in part, like I could come to my own rescue and be my own savior and not have to depend on Christ. (I expect that is a common flaw in most of us to one extent or another.)

Another “conversation” revolved around names. He told me some evil sounding/feeling combinations of words was who I am, and another evil sounding/feeling combination of words was my husband, another was my oldest son, another my middle son, and another my daughter. I’m sure it scared me a bit, but I came to the conclusion that if that is who we are and that we really have that many evil tendencies within ourselves, that I could still accept myself and my family, and rely on Jesus Christ to help us change into better people. Not too long after I made that decision, he strung the 5 phrases together into one long name and told me that it was his name. Anyway, I told him not one of those words had even an ounce of good feeling in them, so they could not be the name of God. He then told me that he was God, and that I had committed the unpardonable sin of saying his name out loud (as he had used my voice to say the phrases). I think we are all a bit confused on exactly what is needed to constitute committing the unpardonable sin, but it didn’t make sense to me that it would be “knowing and stating the name of God out loud” especially if it was God Himself telling me the name and using my voice to say it. At any rate, he told me that I had committed the unpardonable sin and had to die in consequence of it.

He told me at least 5 or 6 times that I had to die, right now, this instant. Once he said, “Go tell your children you love them, and then go lie on your bed, because you are going to die.” So, I went and told my two children that were home that I loved them and went and lay down on my bed. He said, “Ok, now you are going to die.” I closed my eyes for a time, but didn’t die. A different time, I was sitting up on the floor, and he said “You have to die.” I fell backward on the ground with my eyes closed, but then opened them right back up. I believe that what I was supposed to learn from this is that Satan doesn’t have the power to end lives, but he wants you to think he does. (Sometimes, I wonder if I did die each time, but just woke up in a slightly different version of reality; my consciousness just shifting to a different me.)

When I didn’t believe stating the name of God out loud would be the unpardonable sin, he told me that praying to Jesus, instead of Heavenly Father, was the unpardonable sin. It is not that I had begun to pray to Jesus (I never said “Dear Jesus,” in place of “Dear Heavenly Father,” but I had started many different prayers during the previous month(s) while looking at a picture of Jesus. I would look at Jesus and ponder and ask for help and forgiveness, and wish for Him to come soon, etc and at some point it would turn to a real prayer instead of just a “wish of the heart” and I would say “In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.” (At one time I had felt that we should say our prayers to the “Godhead” and not to just one member of it, so I did start some prayers “Dear Godhead” which I was also told was very wrong to do. I am inclined to believe that this was more off base than saying a prayer while looking at a picture of Jesus. I do wonder if this is what made me vulnerable to the spiritual attack.)

At any rate, this “conversation” with the devil caused me a lot of mental stress for many months/years. Had I been wrong to be conflating yearning for Jesus while looking at His picture with praying to Heavenly Father? One thought that I considered is “If Jesus is supposed to be in the exact image as His Father, then how could I know if I was looking at a picture of Jesus or a picture of Heavenly Father?” And although I believe that is true, that they look alike, I knew my intent had been to look to Jesus, and looking to Jesus brought me to prayer. I have not come to a solid conclusion on this issue, other than that it is not the unpardonable sin to pray to Jesus. I became very worried for a time about different songs in the Hymn Book that are clearly written to Jesus instead of Heavenly Father. I was quite certain that we needed to rework the Hymn Book and make sure that every hymn is written to Heavenly Father, so that we would not inadvertently sin by praying to Jesus while we are singing our hymns. At one point I had thought maybe this is why we are getting a new hymn book. Now I wonder, “Are we every really going to get a new Hymn Book?”

Related to this issue at one point I asked my daughter to sing hymns with me. I noticed that she sang different words at some places in the songs than I would. At the time I believed that somehow it had been given to her to know the real words (proper words) that should be in the hymn so that it wouldn’t inadvertently teach false doctrine and/or pray to Jesus. I would stop her and ask her what word she had said, because I wanted to remember how the hymns should be changed. She was usually of the opinion that she had just misread the written word. As we were singing, I also became concerned about my pridefulness and perfectionism. I was “told” that I needed to learn to accept that perfection is not possible and that sometimes things are “good enough.” So, as I was singing with her with my eyes closed (or else there was some other reason I couldn’t see) I was trying to follow along with her and do as she did; I was trying to reach a high note with her (she can sing much higher than I can). After trying the same phrase several times, as she was playing the notes on the piano, I eventually asked her, “Is that good enough?” and she said “Yes, that is good enough.” Even though I did not feel like I had done it well or sounded good, I consciously decided to accept her word, that is was good enough. I felt that I had scored a great victory. We stopped singing and I went to my room and lay down for a time; probably in some state of unaware craziness.

I was not just possessed by the devil though, I was possessed by multitudes of evil spirits. At one point, I was told that my bathroom had been sealed off so that nobody else could hear what was going on in the bathroom; soundproofed. My daughter was the only one home at the time, and attests to the fact that she certainly could hear me screaming and yelling and making awful noises as I tried to rid myself of some of these devils. I don’t remember exactly how she worded it, but she said that it scared her, of course, and that when she prayed she felt a strong connection with God and was told a bit of what was happening and that it would all be OK. At least two more times I had a similar experience during the middle of the night, where I was screaming like a banshee and making awful noises. The first night this happened was when my husband discovered something was really wrong with me. I’m sure he was scared and freaked out, but he certainly wasn’t loving, understanding, and helpful. He didn’t seem to believe me that I couldn’t do anything about it. (I don’t recall now if he was just working extra hours or what he was busy with that allowed him to miss a lot of what was happening to me.) At these times in the bathroom, I was also “vomiting” up devils into the garbage can. I went through the motions of “dry heaving” over the garbage can, but I didn’t feel sick to my stomach at all, I just wanted the demons to get out of me and I knew throwing them up was the way. I had some crazy notion that if they came out of me and went into the garbage can that they would be stuck; the garbage can would act like some kind of black hole and keep them trapped. I know that one time I took a garbage sack of evil spirits out to the trash and was certain that the man riding his bike down the road while I place the can at the curb, was one of the Three Nephites. I was certain that he would circle back, once I went inside, and get the demons so that they could be dealt with properly.

One evening, even though I knew I wasn’t guaranteed to act like myself, I went to a church meeting. I think it was a YW planning meeting, or something like that, just the adults. I was able to stay to the meeting and be fairly normal for at least 20-30 minutes. But, I did have to quickly excuse myself and leave early, because I could feel an attack coming on. I was lucky to get home from the church safely. As soon as I got home, I lay down on the cement in the garage and contorted around. I remember commanding the evil spirits to leave. I believe that some of the evil spirits left easier than others; some recognize themselves as evil spirits. Others didn’t leave until I said something like, “I command any and all spirits that believe they are Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, or The Holy Ghost to leave me.”

After experiencing these kinds of convulsions on several occasions and experiencing some strange thoughts about how “the quaking would never stop until Christ came,” I asked my eldest son to give me a Priesthood Blessing and command the evil spirits to leave me. (I asked him instead of my husband, as I didn’t feel that my husband was anything but close minded at the time, so I didn’t think he could give me an effective blessing.) After the blessing, I did not experience anymore convulsions of evil spirits. Although I still had a lot of strange thoughts that I will share with you later, I felt like they were my mind trying to sort things out and work thorough things rather than the devil talking to me. I was/am very thankful that the blessing worked!
Sounds similar to someone I know who was possessed too.

EndTimesBeliever
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Posts: 23

Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by EndTimesBeliever »

My mind trying to make sense of things.

As I mentioned before, I was shocked to find myself possessed as a result of my efforts to repent. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what had gone wrong in the process. Was the entire thing evil from the beginning? Was I being punished by God because I had done something to harm “His creation?” Was I doing something good with “Intentional Release?” Was I being attacked by the Devil because I was making a difference in the spirit realm? One night, while pondering my situation, I felt that somehow I had managed to mix things up really bad and that everything I did needed to be unwound. I felt that as things were unwinding, that they were binding me in the chains of the Devil. I specifically felt these chains around my ankles and was afraid that I would be dragged down to hell for eternity because of my actions and the harm that I had done to “the creation.” I tend to believe that it was the Devil in my head again, pretending to be God, as the story kept changing as to if God wanted my records to undo what I had done or if the Devil wanted my records to undo what I had done; but something had been done to alter things due to my repentance efforts. I remember my ankles being chained up and I remember praying to Heavenly Father to please forgive me and to release me from the chains of hell. I remember feeling the chains around my ankles relax, loosen, and unwind.

I also recall another “conversation” with the Devil that happened as I slept/tried to sleep. I don’t really recall the conversation, but I do know that I woke my husband up when I yelled out, “I have more Priesthood than you will ever have.” I found this a little odd, since I am against women holding the Priesthood. I believe that during some portion of this ordeal that the Devil had tried to convince me that women should be given the Priesthood, and I held out adamant against that. (I have had not had many good experiences with women in positions of authority over me. I have had far more bad experiences with women in positions of authority over me than I have had with men in positions of authority over me. Whatever the reality of things in the next life (which I have no clue how it will be) I do not support women being in the positions of Bishop, Stake President Etc in this life. With all the problems men have in serving in these positions I strongly believe that they do far better as a whole than women ever could. We need men in our lives and we need men in the church. I expect their will be men and women in the next life and I fully expect that they there will still be differences between them and in their roles.)

The idea that Heavenly Father had fallen and become the Devil really disturbed me. I immediately began to try to figure out “What could we do if this were true?” It didn’t seem fair to me that we would have to live in hell for eternity because of His choice to give us his Godhood. I wondered if humans couldn’t put together some system of laws and consequences that would at least allow us to live in a Terrestrial level existence with Jesus even if we cannot manage a Celestial existence without Heavenly Father. Along these lines, my mind went to the notion that we would still need light in our kingdom. White light is made up of all colors, but can also be formed with just red, green, and blue. It might not be as good as God’s light, but it would still be white light. If I am remembering correctly I thought there needed to be four stands of light and added yellow to the mixture. (I think that in my confused state, I couldn’t remember if it was cyan, magenta, and yellow that made white or red, green, and blue. I think I mix it up and sometimes went with green and sometimes went with yellow and so ended up going with four colors.) I am pretty sure I thought it was 4 people that were picked to help me with picking the official frequencies of color to blend and making the rules for our better-than-hell-worse-than-heaven kingdom. Somehow, our minds were connected and we could see the colors and make a few decisions at that time, but that the main work would come into play at some future date. I wouldn’t know who had been assigned to help me until it was the appropriate time for us to come together and finalize the decisions sometime after this earth life is over. I remember seeing the lights come together in my mind’s eye, so something was going on there more than just my imagination. (I’m not saying that in reality we actually accomplished the feat, just that I could see it happening in a way that was more clearly visualized than normal for me.)

The idea that I had lived a million times and failed to qualify for salvation and exaltation also bothered me a great deal. Questions like, “Had other people also lived a million times, or am I just the slow learner?” and “Was there a different Jesus in each of these different lifetimes; was He successful in all versions?” came to mind. I am not sure if this is why I began to consider different versions of myself, or if it was all just the Devil playing with my mind and planting thoughts. (I had never really entertained the idea of multiple existences before this time.) At any rate, I began to “be aware” that there were at least three other versions of me. The ones I recall were a version of me that had not qualified to come to earth, and that was in hell (or wherever such spirits exist), a version of me that was a complete embarrassment to my family (sang off key really loudly at church or would smear poop on myself are some of the explanations of this person that came to me), and another version of myself that had never left England (meaning that my ancestors had never come to America and the entire family was still living on the other side of the ocean).

About this time, when I looked at some people (most often my husband) they began to appear to me to fluctuate between different versions of themselves. They would change rapidly between what seemed to me to be at least 4 or 5 different versions of themselves; at such times I couldn’t look at them and see the “stable version” of them that I knew. I started experiencing the same thing when I looked at the picture of Christ in my bedroom. I would look at the picture and see multiple different versions of Him in the picture. (I could never count all the faces and be certain on the number of different faces that were repeating as they flashed by so quickly, or even be certain that they were repeating.)

At some point in time, I came to the conclusion that I needed to merge at least 4 or 5 dimensions (time-lines) together; for the “greater good of humanity” I guess. I have no idea how I would know how to do such a thing, but evidently felt like all I had to do to accomplish it was agree to it and envision it happening. So, in my mind, I agreed to merge with at least the three versions of myself described above. At the time, I knew that it would come with repercussions and be hard to assimilate those versions together in one mind and I knew that it was not guaranteed that the strongest version (the one to remain intact/in control when it was all said and done) would be the version of me that was the conscious me having these thoughts. I also felt like I was asked if I would take on the responsibility and the heartache that was accompanied in the merging of these dimensions for my husband and children. (Meaning that I merged the versions of them that corresponded to the realities I mentioned of me at the same time I merged the versions of me, but that they wouldn’t have to do the work and fight to assimilate the different personalities/experiences like I would have to.) I agreed to the merge. I believe this was the night before I went to the hospital.

We woke up early the next morning. I am not exactly sure why. I don’t recall if we were just both awake, or if I woke up my husband. I do know that it was the first time in my life that I felt connected to my husband; like he was there and listening and understanding and wanting to be helpful. I felt like God had given me the gift to be in the same room as my husband’s “real consciousness” for the first time in my life. We talked a bit about what had been going on with me and why I was in the situation I was in, and he seemed more understanding than the nights he yelled at me when I was making awful noises in the bathroom. We decided to read our scriptures together, or in other words I read the scriptures out loud to him while he fell back to sleep. I randomly opened the scriptures to the Doctrine and Covenants and read several short chapters about building Zion, the New Jerusalem in Missouri. I remember reading slowly and deliberately, circling each and every word with my eyeballs, individually, as I read the word out loud, and felt that it was important that I do so. While reading I remember clearly thinking, “Of all the things God could want to tell me in the middle of all this mess, why is this what He wants me to read?” After I read a few chapters, my husband got up and took a shower, while I continued to read my scriptures. (I can’t remember if he called the Bishop for advice on what to do/to explain what was going on before or after his shower.) At that time, we only had one cell phone that we shared. While my husband was in the shower, we got a text, so I picked up the phone and read “Don’t forget chapter ____.” This chapter was not right in line with the other chapters I had read, so I turned to it and read it. I put the cell phone down on my chest so that if there were any other important messages I needed to receive or any other instructions I needed to hear, they would go straight to my heart and I wouldn’t have to answer the phone, I would just know what to do. (The message came from the man that was the person I was supposed to check in with for the “Growing your own Business” Self-Reliance course we were taking at the time. I felt that he was part of the “Priesthood Group” that was in charge of somehow recording me during many of the strange events I was going through; that they had been tasked to make sure I accomplished certain things during this process and recording the results. I also entertained the idea that he was actually one of the Three Witnesses in disguise sent to help me through this challenging time.)

After my husband showered, he came and took the phone from me and helped me get up and get ready to go to the hospital. (When I checked the phone after I got home from the hospital to find out what chapter I had read, I discovered that all of our call and text history had been deleted. I am not sure why my husband felt the need to delete everything while I was in the hospital, as that was not our normal practice. I had no notion before going to the hospital that I needed to pay strict attention to the chapter numbers I was reading, because I had no thought what-so-ever that the scriptures would be different after I returned from the hospital.) When we ate breakfast, my husband brought me belVita crackers and noosa strawberry rhubarb yogurt. This was one of my common breakfasts that he knew that I liked. When I started eating I said, “This is delicious, I have never had this before.” Somehow I knew that was really true and really not true both at the same time. I remember my husband and daughter laughing at me when I said it. It is one of our memories that we look to and laugh at from this ordeal; my daughter liking to imitate me and then remind me that I had had that same breakfast “a hundred times.”

By the time breakfast was over and I was in the car, I was completely “wacked out.” I remember placing “pegs” along our route, so that when it was time for the “do-over” I could go back to certain places. (I am not sure if that was to start over from there, to make sure I followed the same path, or exactly what purpose the pegs were to perform, I just felt they were necessary and placed several along the route as anchor’s to that point in time.)

When my husband took me to the emergency room, he first took me to someplace that didn’t have room for me or a way to help me (a quick care or something) and then we had to go to a different location (the ER). I recall acting a bit strange on the happy side of things at this location and as we walked to the other location. Everyone we ran into thought I was a bit strange and felt very sorry for my husband. Everyone thought that I was on drugs. I am sure they asked several times if I was on drugs while they were checking me in to the Emergency Room. I know that they did drug tests to verify that we were telling the truth. During this time I had thoughts about how the hospital was the “real temple” and that you couldn’t get to heaven if your path didn’t go through the hospital. I also thought that with all my “Intentional Release” that they would be amazed at how clean my blood was and that I was really there so that they could do tests to come up with solutions/medications that would help humanity.

I remember the aid that worked with me when they first put me in a room. I remember telling her “You are really beautiful.” (She was a very attractive young woman in my opinion, would that I were so pretty.) I am not sure if it was a doctor or physicians assistant that came in and talked to me, but I know that his last name was Martin. My husband has Martin’s on both sides of his family, so I told him that he was probably related to my husband and said, “Based on your looks, I would bet that you are within 12-15 steps relation; I am really good at this kind of stuff.” I remember wondering just when I had become good at telling how closely related people were just by looking at them, but I knew for sure I was good at it.

I remember them sending me to the bathroom, and that my husband had to go with me because I was not in the state of mind that made me capable of getting a urine sample. I could not urinate at that time, so they sent me back to my room for a time. I remember lying in the hospital bed and messaging my head, shoulders, and neck against the sides of the hospital bed. I had a lot of knots that I was trying to work out. It was extremely painful and felt very good at the same time. I don’t know how long it was before I felt the need to relieve some gas. (There are what appears to be large chunks of time missing from my memory that do not have the feel of “I was just asleep.”) At any rate, this is when I discovered that there truly is a connection between your mind and your gut. If your mind is a “complete basket case” then your gut probably is too. I also discovered that when you are not in your right mind, you have no ability to sense that something else is going to come out when you relieve the gas. So, I was utterly humiliated to find that I had messed on myself. My husband was angry with me and asked why I hadn’t just said I needed to go to the bathroom. I am not sure he believed me when I told him that I hadn’t known that I needed to go. The aid was very nice and understanding when she helped clean me up, and said “These things happen.” when I apologized and told her that I didn’t know this would happen. Overall, I think she deserves very high marks for how she treated me and interacted with me that day.

At some point they needed the room I was in for a different patient and they had me go wait in the hall or some waiting room with my husband. At this point I really had no clue what was going on what-so-ever and couldn’t see anything either. I don’t know if my mind blocked things out, or if I just had my eyes closed most of the time. I do know that I caused a big ruckus though and made all the other patients feel very uncomfortable, so they put me back into the room they had taken me out of.

Before we had gone to the hospital my husband had asked me where all the books were that had the records of all that I had done with my releasing emotions. I am not sure exactly what that was about, but I think that the Bishop had told him to get them from me. I do not know if they wanted them for record keeping purposes or to destroy them. I believe that he asked me a couple of times where they were while we were waiting in the ER. I had answered each time that I didn’t know where they were. I don’t know if I explained to him or not that I was certain that the Three Witnesses had come to take them for safe keeping, but I do know that I didn’t know where they were because they were not where they had always been kept. (My records needed to be “kept safe” because the Devil also wanted my records, so that he could undo what I had done and/or use them to chain me in hell for eternity.) At one point, after a huge chunk of missing time, I asked my husband to call the Bishop. I asked him several times and he refused each time. He asked me why I wanted him to call the Bishop and I said, “I know where the records are.” He asked, “Where?” I said, “Right here, they are all right here inside of me.” (We talked about this after I got home from the hospital and I asked him why he had refused to call the Bishop. He said, “Because it was 10:30 at night.” So, I was in the ER for a long time that day and into the night.

I am not sure what time they finally decided to send me to the Behavioral Health Hospital. I know part of the reason it took them so long is that it took awhile for them to get the urine sample from me and do the test to prove that this episode was not drug related. Another hang-up was that they were having a hard time finding a place for me. Our insurance was through Presbyterian, but they had no room for me. They found a place for me at Lovelace. They promised my husband that the insurance would pay for it as if it was “in-network” because we had no “in-network” choices available. (Part of the hang-up was supposedly them checking with the insurance to verify this.) Of course, when we got the bill, we found that they charged us “out-of-network” fees and could not find any proof that it had been approved to be charged as “in-network” so it was a very expensive trip to the hospital because they refused to honor the agreement. In the end, paid about 2x what it would have cost going “in-network.”

I am also unclear why my husband agreed to have them ship me to the Lovelace in the ambulance. He certainly could have just put me in the car and taken me there and saved that chunk of money, as he followed the ambulance there and I was “well-behaved” at the time. I remember getting in the ambulance and having someone sitting next to me, but again, I mostly had my eyes closed. I remember being a bit “loopy” and having strange thoughts, but I didn’t cause any problems. The ride felt very fast to me. I remember telling my husband that it felt like they “zoomed” me to the hospital, but he told me that we just went normal speeds the entire way. It wasn’t truly an emergency to get me there, so no sirens were involved.

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The Airbender
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Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by The Airbender »

EndTimesBeliever wrote: January 16th, 2024, 11:06 am Could we all exist in multiple time lines at the same time and have at least one where we are really good and that is the one that counts? I don't know, but these are some of the things I have wondered about for the last 7 years.
Last year I was in a friend's kitchen and all of a sudden I turned around, looked down, and heard, "You've been here before."

Thinking of it as loading a save game file and having to reach a point I've already been was extremely disheartening. Where was I before I was born? Did I already live a life in the end days and "failed"?

I still don't understand it but it did give me a desire to never have to return to that point ever again.

Sometimes I feel like I am living the wrong life. Sometimes I wonder if I am waiting for other "me" (or multiple?) to die and come here.

Mostly, I think it is more amazing that we can understand, but I have only experienced misery and suffering on unimaginable levels, not peace or happiness. Haven't really been happy a day in my life.

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Cruiserdude
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Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by Cruiserdude »

The Airbender wrote: February 12th, 2024, 4:07 pm
EndTimesBeliever wrote: January 16th, 2024, 11:06 am Could we all exist in multiple time lines at the same time and have at least one where we are really good and that is the one that counts? I don't know, but these are some of the things I have wondered about for the last 7 years.
... I have only experienced misery and suffering on unimaginable levels, not peace or happiness. Haven't really been happy a day in my life.
Jeez, hermano, hearing this seriously breaks my heart 😢😢I'm very sorry to hear it and I will hope and pray for you to feel some kind of happiness/joy Mr. Airbender 🙏🙏

I know you didn't ask, so forgive me if I'm overstepping my bounds, but what really helps me find peace and happiness is thinking of the Savior... and reading and seeking out the very real and personal relationship he offers us with Him... and especially helpful for me is the mercy and forgiveness He offers me. I've made many many mistakes, sins included. But I know without any doubt that the Lord has forgiven me for it and desires me to have peace and joy in this mortal probation through His mercy and love.

I really don't know what else, at all, that we can find true lasting joy and happiness in... Sure I enjoy a ball game or a good day of fishing, but I'm talking the REAL DEEP HEARTFELT joy. I've only found it with Him and since it is so real for me, I sincerely hope any and all can find the Lord and feel and know the same comfort and peace He's allowed me to know.

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The Airbender
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Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by The Airbender »

I know Jesus said that God would never give a son, who asks for bread, a rock. But in my case, it's been serpents and rocks. If there is a still small voice, I've never heard it, or else God just loves being maniacal and sadistic.

logonbump
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Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by logonbump »

The Airbender wrote: February 12th, 2024, 4:07 pm
EndTimesBeliever wrote: January 16th, 2024, 11:06 am Could we all exist in multiple time lines at the same time and have at least one where we are really good and that is the one that counts? I don't know, but these are some of the things I have wondered about for the last 7 years.
Last year I was in a friend's kitchen and all of a sudden I turned around, looked down, and heard, "You've been here before."

Thinking of it as loading a save game file and having to reach a point I've already been was extremely disheartening. Where was I before I was born? Did I already live a life in the end days and "failed"?

I still don't understand it but it did give me a desire to never have to return to that point ever again.

Sometimes I feel like I am living the wrong life. Sometimes I wonder if I am waiting for other "me" (or multiple?) to die and come here.

Mostly, I think it is more amazing that we can understand, but I have only experienced misery and suffering on unimaginable levels, not peace or happiness. Haven't really been happy a day in my life.
I received these words thru a blessing once, and will share them here:

...through your faithfulness, for you must be faithful. You must live the Gospel. You must make those good things happen. You must study, learn and know what the Lord would have you do. All these things are not just given out of the blue. They do not just happen. You have to search them out and find them and make them yours. The Lord has promised that "man is that he might have joy." You will have found that joy if you will can prepare yourself for it.

EndTimesBeliever
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Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by EndTimesBeliever »

One of the very first things that I did upon finding myself possessed, was to call the Bishop and ask him in a really demonic sounding voice to come to the church with his wife and meet with me. He absolutely refused at that time. I am not sure that he originally knew it was me that had called or not, but I texted later and told him that I needed to be excommunicated. He let me come and talk to him at his office for a brief time, one of the days that I was possessed. He “chewed me out” for doing “Intentional Release” and not heeding his council to stop, as he had warned me that negative consequences could result. (This is only partially true. He gave me mixed signals. When I first told him about it, he seemed a little alarmed, but let me share what I had learned about myself from it. The second time we talked about it he said, “Keep going.” It wasn’t until the fourth or fifth time I talked about my findings with him that he advised me to quit. At that point I only saw “good fruit” and couldn’t understand how “bad fruit” comes from “good-intentioned-positive-efforts.”) While in his office I felt convicted that I had tried to go my own way and not heeded the “counsel and direction from those in position of authority over” me as my patriarchal blessing had admonished me to do. I was very repentant. He had me read a scripture or two and had me say a prayer for forgiveness. When I left his office, it was really strange, as when I looked at him, he would not look me in the eyes. He was facing me, but his eyes were going back-and-forth really rapidly. Occasionally during the rest of this experience other people’s eyes would do the same thing.

When I left the Bishop’s office, the wife of the Second Counselor in the Bishopric was in the hall across the way. I do not recall if her eyes went back-and-forth rapidly or not. I do remember a feeling of “disdain” coming from her; the impression that came to my mind was that she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t figure out that the Second Coming had already happened, and that she and others were sick-and-tired of waiting for me to figure it out and come unto Christ so we could all move on to a better life. I doubt this is what she was actually thinking, but it is what I thought she was thinking. I had worried about this several times during this ordeal. At some points I was certain that every morning was the Second Coming and everyone else on the planet knew and understood that, but I was just a slow hopeless cause that couldn’t figure out how to hear the trumpet and accept Christ; that God was being overly patient with me and putting off the advancement of the entire world just for me to hopefully finally get it and others were getting very tired of waiting.

The Second Coming was very much on my mind when I made it to the Behavioral Health Hospital. I believe the first thing they had me do was meet with the doctor on night duty. I have a vague memory of meeting with him. I remember seeing his office, but not him. The questions he asked and the answers I gave never made it to my brain and seemed to come from a distance. After talking to him, they took me to the cafeteria for a snack. I remember asking, “Did I miss supper?” and they said, “Yes, supper is over.” I was certain that meant that I was too late to participate in the Second Coming, that I was one of the “foolish virgins” that had been shut out. I remember eating some chocolate pudding with some peanut butter and graham crackers. I thought it was very good. They took me to a room and I eventually fell asleep.

I believe that they let me sleep in that next day because I had gotten in so late at night. I’m guessing it was lunch that I was taken to the cafeteria. The first patient that I met was a Native American woman who was older than me. She told me that the hospital was the “real world.” She said that she had been there for something like 10-12 years that she was actually lying in a comma in a hospital bed with a broken arm. I remember her talking about the food and wishing that she could have a steak. When they gave me the paper to fill out for requesting my dinner, they gave me a pencil. (I got a pencil a few more times, and I believe one time they let everyone have a pencil, but most often we had to mark our papers with crayons.)

I wrote all over my paper. I crossed out coffee. I crossed out iced tea. I crossed out all the salad dressings as I do not like vinegar and I believe many salad dressings to be full of preservatives and things that are not good for you and/or don’t like them. I wrote in that I wanted home-made Ranch dressing and explained how to make it with the Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning Mix, Mayonnaise, and Organic Milk. If I am correct in what I saw, they had the same 5 choices for lunch as they had for dinner. I know that I explained on the paper that people didn’t want the same things for lunch and dinner that we needed a variety of things to choose from that were real dinners. I wrote on the paper that I wanted a steak dinner for me and __________. (I don’t recall her name now, but I wrote it on the paper so they would know who else ordered the steak.)

Evidentially, having a pencil was the key to getting things to change, or else it was just that they valued my opinion for some reason. Sometime after turning in the form, one of the workers came up to me and asked about the home-made Ranch dressing, so I explained to him how to make it and told him that I got the ingredients from Costco. He seemed genuinely concerned that they had not been able to find exactly what I was looking for. For the rest of the time that I was in the hospital, it appears that the only salad dressing that people could order was Ranch. I think it was Newman’s Own Organic Ranch packets that they found at Costco. I tried it the first time, but didn’t like it, so I ate my salad without salad dressing the rest of the time I was there.

The way it worked for us, was that if you didn’t want something on your plate, you put it in the middle of the table so others could take it if they desired. At some point the workers or the patients would call out what was left to see if anyone wanted it or they would call out to see if there was an extra of something someone wanted. For the rest of my stay, “Salad with Ranch” was called out a lot, so I knew everyone was getting Ranch dressing and not everyone liked to eat their salad.

I don’t know if they went back to having a variety of dressings after I left or not. I do know that people are less concerned about their salad dressing choice than their coffee and their iced tea though. I believe that it was the same worker that came up to me and asked about the coffee and tea. He had to verify that I had not meant that nobody could have coffee and tea when I crossed it out because many had asked after it when they found it missing at the next meal. I said that it was fine if others wanted to have it, that I had only meant that I didn’t want it as I knew it wasn’t good for me. (He never came up and asked if they could add the other salad dressings back onto the menu.) I believe that the iced tea ended up coming with the meal at least for dinner and lunch automatically. I always put mine in the middle of the table and there was always someone that wanted an extra.

We never did get a steak dinner, but the menus I got after that first one did come with a variety of choices for dinner. I believe that the second time I got a pencil I wrote that we wanted different meal choices from day to day for dinner. After that there was a rotation in the offering from day to day for dinners, but steak was never an option listed. There were a lot of fairly good meals in my opinion. It was a lot better than I would have expected for a hospital. The one thing that I really enjoyed was the Craisin Oatmeal Cookies. I do not like raisins in my cookies at all, so I was a bit surprised that I liked the Craisin cookies. After I came home from the hospital, I tried to find similar cookies, but was never successful at finding any that were as good as those I had in the hospital. Yum, I am craving one right now.

EndTimesBeliever
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Re: I can't believe I am posting.

Post by EndTimesBeliever »

“The Daughter of Eve of the Morning of the First Resurrection”

So, what of my role as “The Daughter of Eve of the Morning of the First Resurrection?”

1. It appeared to have something to do with setting standards.

With “Intentional Release” I became very aware of different emotions and came to recognize them quite instantly. This was strange for me as I would not consider myself to have been someone that was “in touch with their emotions” before this time. Sometime around the time that things got really strange for me, I remember thinking in the shower about different emotions. I felt like I was being asked to go through several different emotions and determine where the line was between it being a sin and not being a sin. I felt like I could take the one emotion and feel the different levels/amounts of that emotion and “fine-tune scale” how much was acceptable and understandable; how much should/would a loving God tolerate and not count against you as a sin? I felt that somehow “the Priesthood” was recording my thought as I worked through a few different emotions, so that they would know where to set the standards. The one that I have a clear memory of is what I will classify today as “snotty teenager,” or pushback because you want to be your own person and make your own decisions. I set the level at one spot where I felt that I could handle the emotion coming at me from my kids and be able to respond in understanding and not anger. I decided to readjust that level up a bit at least two different times, so the level I set really felt quite “snotty.” Only time will tell if this experience really meant anything or not, but if I really did set a standard level, just know that God will allow us to be fairly snotty and not count it as a sin. I believe that agency is important to Him and that we will still have agency in the next life and want to make some of our own decisions in regards to where and how we focus on the development and use of our talents. I believe that He will respect our desire to “be our own person” even though He will have some pointers that will be of benefit for us to follow. Although we will have our agency, I strongly believe that there will be rules that are non-negotiable and must be followed to be in His kingdom. If not so, why the atonement of Jesus Christ? Why would Christ need to die for our sins in order for us to get back to God, if those exact behaviors are not sinful in heaven?

Another time when I was taking a bath, I felt like different “evils” were going down the drain with the water. I then felt like I had to stay there for a minute or two with my foot holding down the plug to prevent them from coming back out. The main thing that I was concerned about was animals wanting to progress with us in the next life. I adamantly insisted on no animals. While I was possessed by the Devil, he tried a few times to get me to change my mind about the animals, but I maintained my no position throughout. I also felt like our family dog was pleading with me to get me to accept animals moving forward. When I was in the hospital, I perceived that she was in my locker and barked at me to let her out, so that she could progress in the next life. Even though I knew she was not there, I heard an audible bark come from inside my locker. I refused to get out of bed and open the locker.

My insistence against animals was made more interesting because of some of my experiences in the hospital. One of the male patients appeared to have altered fingernails (they didn’t look normal whether they were mixed with animal DNA or not.) I also heard one of the women patients asking a hospital worker for an extra pair of socks to wear, so that her “claws” wouldn’t click against the floor as she walked down the hall. I had the impression that part of the reason some of the people were in the hospital was to get separated from the animals that they had been purposefully mixed with. Only pure DNA gets to move forward, not humans mixed with animal DNA.

2. It appeared to come with an understanding of our general condition as human beings.

At one point in time 2-3 days before going to the hospital while I was alone in my bedroom, I stood beside my bed and talked to myself. I lamenting on how crooked and out of balance we are as humans. I said, “People think that they are walking down the street all straight and tall, but they are really doing this” and then I demonstrated by being a “crazy drunken sailor.” If you look closely at people you can see how true it is that we hold our bodies in all sorts of contorted ways, none of us are tall and straight and aligned properly. I had already noticed this previously because I had done some stretches to help me align better and reduce my shoulder and elbow pain years earlier. The feeling that I got with this experience was that we are even more “out of whack” than I had already realized an recognized; that we are “out of kilter” in a much deeper and broader way than manifested in how we hold our bodies. One way to partially explain it is that we are “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine” even though we think we are following true doctrines of Christ. At the time of this experience I had not heard of sound healing and biofields, but I think that the idea of our biofields being 6 feet around us and storing a lot of our negative unprocessed emotions and our “generational curses” would explain, in at least part, how it is a much deeper rooted problem than just our bodies.

One of the things that “blows my mind” the most about this entire experience is that during my hospital stay, one of the workers said to me out of the blue as he was walking down the hall towards me, “EndTimesBeliever, when I am at home, I walk like this.” and then demonstrated by walking like a “crazy drunken sailor.” How do people in the hospital know what you said, did, or thought in private days before being admitted to the hospital?

3. It appeared to come with the need to understand the Earth.

I am unclear if all the great amounts of emotions that I was feeling were really just all my own, or if they were so great because I was feeling the emotions of the “collective.” I do believe that if things were not all mixed together and connected before I started “Intentional Release” they certainly become so because of it. This belief is due to the fact that when I released emotions, I came to a point where I cycled the release so that the effects of my sins/emotions would not harm “all of God’s creation.” And, I asked this cycle to be done 70 x 7 times in multiple different ways. (I do apologize if my efforts harmed you in any way. When we are in heaven and find out for sure, I hope you will be able to forgive me if my actions harmed you or if I released something off of you that you really wanted to hang onto.)

At one point before going to the hospital, I felt like I was responsible in some way for nourishing the world (not sure if it was just the people or the entire creation) and somehow connected the world to my breast, so that I could nurse it until the Second Coming; similar to how the Earth nourishes us continually without having to think about it. I also felt that the quaking I was experiencing was similar to what the Earth is going through with earthquakes; that it is vomiting up evil spirits to rid itself of them. The main difference being that my “shaking” stopped after the blessing, but the Earth has had to continue its “shaking” and it will not stop doing so until the Savior comes. I felt that the Earth is very warn out and tired. It is longing to be free from the evil that is within it and upon it.

I remember having conversations with myself and discovering the definitions of words as if I was the earth on my way to the ER. I remember laughing out loud at discovering that I had had things in reverse and not understood the directions and signals that God was sending me. For instance, I had been collecting water instead of releasing it or vice/versa. At one point while I was in the emergency room, there was something that was beeping in my room and I used that beep to help orient the correct heading to be on while I pointed with my arm and said “Home” repeatedly over and over again. I remember praying to Heavenly Father (in my head) that He would forgive me for being on the wrong path and getting side tracked. I remember explaining to Him that I knew He had commanded me to keep an eye on the Devil, to continually watch him and not let him confuse me, but then explained to him that it was pretty hard for a round shape to know which side was forward and up and that it makes one dizzy to try to keep their eyes on the Devil as he continually moves from one location to another and always trying to stay “behind you.” At any rate, I felt that the Earth had gotten off course and not completely been faithful in fulfilling its measure of creation by not staying on the true heading that had been set. However, it had great intensions and wanted to be faithful in all ways, and was now adjusted and heading the right way. I felt that we should forgive the Earth of its shortcomings and rejoice with it in its repentance.

While I was in the Behavioral Health Hospital I felt like I needed to be “baptized with a flood.” I put towels over the drain in the shower and then lay down on the floor of the bathroom so that the water would rise and cover my body. I didn’t think about blocking the space under the door, so the water never got very high. But, I can tell you I was quite embarrassed (even in my crazy state) when one of the male employees opened the door to find me lying naked on the floor. I am not sure why they were expecting a flood, but I remember hearing one of the workers say to another in amazement, “We really did have a flood!” After that, they switched my room so that they could keep a better eye on me, so for the rest of my stay I was right across the hall from the office area.

4. It appeared to have something to do with setting standards regarding the Degrees of Glory.

I remember on several different occasions trying to work out the standards for getting to the different kingdoms of glory. Recalling some thoughts I had had about Joseph Smith before going to the hospital, I believe I set the standard for the Celestial Kingdom at 86%, (might have gone as low as 80%) because I was certain that Joseph’s “desire to follow Christ score” was 86.5% at the highest. I figured that he should qualify and that we shouldn’t be required to have a higher score than him to make it. (I am not sure how that score would be calculated, if it would be Christ’s opinion on how much of the time you desired to be righteous or if it would be a calculation of all of your good choices divided by all of the choices you ever made.) I am not entirely sure where I ended up thinking the line between the Telestial and Terrestrial Kingdoms should be drawn, that one was harder for me to decide on, I am guessing I ended up with somewhere around 50%. I do know that I set the level for getting out of hell at 0.0132%. That one I am certain I felt that you didn’t even have to really reach that level of desire to follow Christ, you just had to think that you thought you wanted to follow Him at least that much. If you don’t think you even want to try 0.0132% to follow Christ, you can legitimately be declared to be in the category of rejecting Christ.

I recall feeling like with the “Intentional Release” I had repented enough to have been more “clean and pure” than the Apostles. I remember feeling that they knew all about me and all about what I had been doing and that they were upset that I was more “righteous” than they were. I remember thinking that I would give them time to repent and “catch up to me.” It has been over seven years and I have not seen any indication from them that they have used the time wisely to repent and set themselves right with God. (At that time, I didn’t think they were overly wicked, just that they needed to do some “Intentional Release” and make a few minor course corrections.)

5. Current and/or future duties

I am uncertain if there are any current or future duties in this role. But, I do wonder about it at times and sometimes pray to Heavenly Father to help me know what it is and how to accomplish it if there is something that I should do. I also pray to him occasionally in a way that indicates that I think that He actually might care about what I think on certain issues. I would expect some of these prayers land me in the “snotty enough to be sinning” category. I don’t know if he laughs at me when I say such prayers thinking, “Oh that silly EndTimesBeliever actually believes she is “The Daughter of Eve of the Morning of the First Resurrection” and that her opinion really matters. Ha, ha, ha. It is understandable though as notions put in the head by demons really have a long lasting effect, and she will eventually grow out of it.” or if He is more inclined to be angry and think, “Insolent pup, who does she think she is talking to me that way!” Maybe it is some of both. I strongly feel that God punished me last year (2023) for my prayer about feeling deserted. I told Him that I know that He hasn’t really deserted me, but that I can’t feel Him and I can’t understand His directions and the effect is the same as if He really has deserted me. Then I repeated my prayer and told Him that I stand by it, He really has deserted me. Almost exactly at that point in my prayer our truck instantly stopped working in the middle of nowhere. He seemed to be saying, “Fine. If you want to feel deserted, here you go. Be stranded on the side of the road and have something real to complain about.” We had to rent a truck to finish our vacation, wait about 1 ½ months to get it fixed, pay over $2000 for the repair, and have my husband fly to go pick it up. That was an expensive prayer, but I am not sure it will prevent me from ever saying another snotty prayer in the future.

The idea of it being seven years since I went crazy keeps playing in my mind and I wonder if He will soon answer some of my heart-felt-pleas for understanding about this event in my life. Does understanding and help come in the eighth year? Will there be a newness of life and an ability to feel connected to God again or will I always feel/be deserted as nothing compares to the connection I felt with God right before “going mad.”

One thing I wonder about is if my living in Missouri now is somehow important to the building up of Zion as I am the one that read the scriptures in the D&C about the building of the New Jerusalem in Missouri and how the buildings were to be constructed, measured, and used; scriptures that now seem to no longer exist. Another possibility that plays in my mind, is should I declare as “The Daughter of Eve of the Morning of the First Resurrection” that the Apostles have had their seven year warning and publicly declare that they did not use it to repent and mend their ways, instead they appear to have moved farther in the wrong direction. Will doing so, mark a spot of transition where we can finally move into the cleansing of the church and have things set back in order for the Second Coming and the Millennial Reign of the Messiah? I have read a lot of “EndlessQuestions” posts and wonder if his excommunication marks an end of the time where the apostles could repent on their own and now we can move into the part where they are compelled to repent.

I am as anxious as ever for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. I do not have any understanding as to why someone would want to continue living on the earth as it is as opposed to having Christ come and setting things in order. I did not write down the date, but somewhere around a year after my hospital stay, I was very depressed. As I sat pondering, I received a clear “wait for seven years message.” I then saw some posting on the internet about how the Second Coming could be in 7 years. So, in my mind, I felt strongly that God was telling me that the Second Coming would be in 7 years. That thought is the only thing that has kept me alive for the last 6 years. The thought of having to live longer in this state brings me to tears and despair. So, although I know that at least in the LDS circle I am almost completely on my own in my thinking and reasoning about when the Second Coming is I maintain that it will be within one to two years. (At least the Adam-ondi-Ahman part.) I understand that I might be heart broken by the end of 2025. If I could be living in a safe environment surrounded by like-minded individuals that are truly trying to build Zion, by the end of 2025, then I will count that good enough, even if I haven’t personally seen Christ by that time. But I can honestly see no way for there to be any building Zion movement without Christ returning and/or the extremely bad times that precede it. I know God promised me that something would be better in 7 years, and I am praying that He keeps His promise.

In my opinion, there is a general LDS belief that “we can’t know the day or the hour” of Christ’s return, so we shouldn’t be watching for it; that somehow it is focusing on doom and gloom to be watching the signs. (The second coming does come with a lot of turmoil, heartache, and sorrow, but that bad part has to be gone through one way or the other, let’s get it over with and move on to the good part, is my perspective. I can’t think of one thing that is more positive and hopeful than Christ coming.) One of the ironies of the general LDS belief is that they also seem to believe that the Second Coming is going to be obvious and exactly like their personal interpretation of the scriptures. The general belief seems to follow along this logic: there will be two witnesses called to Israel, these two witnesses will be members of the 12 apostles, we will all be aware when they are called, they will serve for 3 ½ years, 3 ½ years is time enough to prepare, I don’t need to start concerning myself about the Second Coming until the 2 witnesses are called, isn’t it great that I am LDS and have the inside scoop and have the prophet to tell me exactly when the Second Coming will be.

I have long wished that we would talk about the signs-of-the-times in our church. I have been anxiously watching for it since I was 10 or 11 years old. There has been the occasional prophetic statement that some item or other has been fulfilled, but as a general rule, nothing is said or, if it is talked about, it is talked about in the manner of “Look how much more has to be fulfilled, there is no way it is anytime soon.” As a result, most LDS believe that there are many signs that still need to be fulfilled, so it is nothing to be concerned about yet. However, as one man that I listen to puts it “Just because it’s not happening to you doesn’t mean it’s not happening.” Many of the signs have been fulfilled, but not in an “obvious-couldn’t-be-missed” way. I believe that God will fulfill “every jot and tittle” but that He will do so in a way that not only will feel like it was mostly just “nature” and not “miraculous” but will also look completely different than what any of us envisioned and will be completely missed by many who believe they are looking, watching, and waiting.

Anyway, many signs are happening now. Unfortunately, you have to look outside the LDS church in order to hear about them, which of course for many, is a really big “No, no.” There are two comets in the sky right now that are making the “Sign of the Son of Man.” I find it interesting and of note that the scriptures say that when Christ comes many will say “It was a comet.” and He is using comets to mark the sign in the heavens. There are more videos and articles to read, but here is the link for the most recent video put out about these comets. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuRSeHPTGPw

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