Addiction to dating apps and a decline in monogamy and in-person relationship building

[BuriedTartaria]

I know this is anecdotal, but I recently heard something from someone I used to hold in high esteem that really discouraged me about younger people (early/mid 20s) and how over-reliance on technology to form relationships is harming us.

****before I sound too harshly judgmental about dating apps, I want to say that I spent three years very close to a neat girl who lived a uniquely hard, lonely life and social media/dating apps did help her find friends. She eventually found marriage too. It's a long story that really changed me. I think dating apps and social media have done a degree of overall good for people and in some cases have caused beautiful love to occur. I think there is a time and a place for this sort of stuff, but I think like most things, over-reliance and over-saturation of this stuff can create problems****



For 5 years I've felt that dating apps have a place but are also a growing problem for many users of their services. I work with a number of girls who met their spouses on dating apps and I'm happy for them that they found love (I hope for them that's what it is, hopefully it's a lasting love) and companionship through them. We live in a lonely world filled with single people struggling to find meaningful connections and too many loveless relationships. I think it's great when people can find someone they love who loves them back and I'm grateful when dating apps can provide people with that.

But I think dating apps have an addictive element to them. For people who find them addictive, I think the addiction is often coupled with an addictive element to social media). I think some people are having a hard time putting down the rush and validation that comes from being "liked" or "added" by new people that comes with a dating app or even "regular" social media. I think many people would rather turn to apps/social media for forming friendships and romantic connections rather than getting involved in the world around them to form connections. With this reliance on digital for forming relationships and the addiction it can spark in someone, how often does a desire to feel these things keep up after you find "love"?

An example of what I'm getting at. Through one of my jobs I've known a girl (this is a girl I'd call relatively normal, she's cute, she's social, she's not like some social shut-in who never leaves her house or doesn't have anything going for her in her life) for a number of years who recently married. She's in her early 20s. I heard her talk about some sort of dating app for married couples to "like" one another to start a connection. The way she talked about it, it was clear the idea behind it is to help married couples make friends with other married couples through a service comparable to Tinder or any other dating apps

And my gut reaction is that this is not just a bad idea but it's a disappointing commentary on our inability to make much use out of in-person relationship opportunities life gives us through work, schooling, and the communities around us. I believe her intentions are pure (sincerely just wanting to make friends) but I also believe part of the desire to be on something like that is to chase the enjoyable rush a once single person knew from their time on dating apps. That thrill of looking at your phone and knowing someone new and attractive "liked" you and wants to connect with you. Beyond nursing missing that thrill, I think a lot of people on such an app are placing themselves in opportunities towards going down roads that put their monogamous relationships with their spouses at risk (I'm not shaming anyone, but if you want to claim monogamy, you better defend that standard, if you want to get off that train, then get off that train, I won't shame you for it, just be real/honest). As this girl discussed this friend making app ("it's like a dating app but for married couples to make friends!") a guy I work with responded back "wow, that's going to be huge!".


I think what I find most disappointing in something like this idea is just how pathetic we have become as a society where to find someone to love, we need a dating app. To find married friends, we need a "friend making" app. To get food, we need a food ordering app. To stay in contact with people you've met in life, you NEED social media. To be happy with your life, you need an app. There is such an over-reliance on living your life through apps and social media I find it disturbing, disappointing, and damaging to the health of in-person societal interactions and communication, the part of living people can't do through their phones (why do I have to become engaged in the world around me? I can accomplish every social need I have through a digital social app).


Being single in Utah, and watching how other singles in Utah navigate modernity, I've noticed there's this expectation that you ought to have a dating app (Mutual, an LDS related one, is most common) to help you cast your broadest net possible. A dating app is viewed as simply a necessity. I've tried Mutual a few times and stopped for a number of reasons (one of them being my commitment to the Book of Mormon being true but realizing I don't believe in the leadership claims and overarching message of the LDS church). One of the reasons was I would see people I knew in real-life on there. And I'd feel sad. They're looking for love. They're lonely. I'd ask myself why don't I maximize the most out of the people I know in my actual life rather than being some other random messaging some other random? Another reason was some of these girls I knew from "real life" that I'd see on Mutual, I knew they were in committed relationships that had been going on for months and I'd feel sadness seeing they were still on their dating apps ("Hey! I'm just here looking for friends!"). When is enough enough? When can you be content with what you have? In their defense, maybe they just never got around to deleting their app after they found their long-term boyfriend, I'm sure that happens. After seeing a few situations like that, I swore off this sort of stuff.


I see so many parents shoving phones in their kids faces to entertain them and so many parents wanting their kids placed on medication for treating ADD or ADD-like symptoms. We are so beyond screwed as a society. We'd lose our minds and our ability to function if our phones stopped working.



I'm not some old man yelling at clouds about disliking the youth. I'm in my mid 30s. I remember being a kid when the internet was in its mainstream infancy and being a teenager before social media. I feel blessed to have been a child in the 90s. I've been lucky enough to witness a decline in social capital. There's a lot of lessons I've been able to learn from what I've seen.



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling_Alone

[Gadianton Slayer]

I refuse to use one.

[Sunain]

Just saw an article yesterday talking about how dating apps are ruining dating. In person is still the best but that is increasingly harder due to social standards and pandemic related in-person meetups being canceled.

Number of 'lonely, single' men is on the rise as women with higher dating standards
Men are lonelier than ever as they struggle to meet the higher dating standards of modern women, according to a psychologist.

It comes as data shows dating apps are overrun with men - who represent 62 per cent of users - and figures collected in the US in 2019 showed more men than women were single.

[David13]

Someone (who had found her husband on one) asked me if looks were important to me. Yes, says I. Well, then dating sites won't help you.

And I think that's a big issue of them. In person, I, and I suppose the female, can determine in a minute if there is anything possible. Thus cutting out a lot of wasted time with all the data, or information exchange that goes with the site.

dc

[BuriedTartaria]

Just saw an article yesterday talking about how dating apps are ruining dating. In person is still the best but that is increasingly harder due to social standards and pandemic related in-person meetups being canceled.

I see reports about this social trend a lot. I may be completely wrong but sometimes I ponder if God doesn't want oodles of babies being born into the world with the way it currently is, hence the lack of marriages and lack of babies being born. I wonder if the lack of love blossoming and the lack of opportunities for love to blossom is an example of how through sin, God has withdrawn his spirit from the world to some sort of degree.

[gradles21]

Make arranged marriages great again!

[Gadianton Slayer]

Make arranged marriages great again!

Also gonna be a no from me

[Mamabear]

Just saw an article yesterday talking about how dating apps are ruining dating. In person is still the best but that is increasingly harder due to social standards and pandemic related in-person meetups being canceled.

I see reports about this social trend a lot. I may be completely wrong but sometimes I ponder if God doesn't want oodles of babies being born into the world with the way it currently is, hence the lack of marriages and lack of babies being born. I wonder if the lack of love blossoming and the lack of opportunities for love to blossom is an example of how through sin, God has withdrawn his spirit from the world to some sort of degree.

I was just thinking the same the other day. Does God really want children being born now in the most wicked generation of time? A time where children can be taken from us by the state because the parents won’t allow their children to switch genders? A time where teachers are brainwashing children with lgbt propaganda and communism? A time when the biggest sex trafficking rings exist in governments and churches and children are sacrificed and murdered?

“But woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!”
Mark 13:17

[spiritMan]

Paradox of Choice. That is a major problem.

As the scale of possible choices increases the ability to make a decision drastically decreases. It's called FOMO, fear of missing out.

The other problem is that there is nothing that initially binds people together. So if you meet at school, you have school in common. The best relationships are those where the initial purpose of the initial contact is not to explicitly date.

When you go to a dance and meet someone, the initial contact is because you are both at the dance . . . to do what . . .to dance. Oh and IF you happen to meet someone you connect with, that's great too. When you go to a dance, you can always tell the ones who went to the dance with the INTENT of hooking up with someone-and that generally doesn't go so well for marriage prospects.

So dating apps, suffer from that fatal flaw. The primary purpose of being on the same app is explicitly "to date". It's an unnatural mechanism to meet people. This isn't to say that "matchmakers" do not work-they do. But it is way different when a third party is setting you up on a date with someone vs. you going to a market place to self-select yourself.

[BuriedTartaria]

Make arranged marriages great again!

Paradox of Choice. That is a major problem.

As the scale of possible choices increases the ability to make a decision drastically decreases. It's called FOMO, fear of missing out.

The other problem is that there is nothing that initially binds people together. So if you meet at school, you have school in common. The best relationships are those where the initial purpose of the initial contact is not to explicitly date.

When you go to a dance and meet someone, the initial contact is because you are both at the dance . . . to do what . . .to dance. Oh and IF you happen to meet someone you connect with, that's great too. When you go to a dance, you can always tell the ones who went to the dance with the INTENT of hooking up with someone-and that generally doesn't go so well for marriage prospects.

So dating apps, suffer from that fatal flaw. The primary purpose of being on the same app is explicitly "to date". It's an unnatural mechanism to meet people. This isn't to say that "matchmakers" do not work-they do. But it is way different when a third party is setting you up on a date with someone vs. you going to a market place to self-select yourself.

I love this post. There is so much wisdom here. As I show appreciation for what is written here, I just want to stress that I am not downplaying that apps/social media have helped some people find sincere love or make worthwhile connections, and I think that's great. I'm merely discussing the bad as well

I'm kind of in a situation of unrequited feelings for a girl I know and her widowed mother (may the good Lord comfort her soul) was able to re-marry through a dating app. I know there has been a degree of good to online dating. I'm trying to touch on what I see as over-reliance on certain tools that I feel is causing problems

[Sunain]

Just saw an article yesterday talking about how dating apps are ruining dating. In person is still the best but that is increasingly harder due to social standards and pandemic related in-person meetups being canceled.

I see reports about this social trend a lot. I may be completely wrong but sometimes I ponder if God doesn't want oodles of babies being born into the world with the way it currently is, hence the lack of marriages and lack of babies being born. I wonder if the lack of love blossoming and the lack of opportunities for love to blossom is an example of how through sin, God has withdrawn his spirit from the world to some sort of degree.

I certainly wouldn't want to be raising a family in the worlds current conditions. After the second coming will fix so many things.

[TheDuke]

I think this is just one piece of the overall decline is sociality. I remember when all my coworkers (retired now) would get together for meetings. Sort of a waste at times but was overall where productivity came from in the information exchange and building personal relationships. The last few years I worked with many younger people (mostly engineers). We would have a meeting. They would come virtually, sometimes from the same building or room? That way they didn't have to interchange personally, they could multi-task, they could shut off everyone when they weren't interested. The result was, obstensibly more efficient use of time but no personal interaction. Much of the detailed technical data was missed and they never learned to understand the other team members. After a while, that became baseline action and our teams never got together, physically. No one cares about the others because they don't know them. They don't care about adjacent issues because it is the other persons problem, etc...

I even see it in me................He..........ll I'm sitting here typing on my computer to a bunch of people that I don't know, that have fake avatars and often seem like trolls in a desperate attempt to communicate my inner feelings and understandings because few people around here care to interact or when the do they are PC and we cannot discuss real issues.

As far as the specifics of dating apps, I only used a couple when I was single. There is an allure for sure, you can find more attractive people than locally, but then again most of the images aren't that real, then they are far away and you are isolated. I met several people through apps, one was nice, all the others I was disappointed with when I met them (if I did), met my new wife through prayer and the Lord (and some friends). Not sure what I would have done if the Lord hadn't of blessed me like he did.

[Thinker]

Paradox of Choice. That is a major problem.

As the scale of possible choices increases the ability to make a decision drastically decreases. It's called FOMO, fear of missing out.

The other problem is that there is nothing that initially binds people together. So if you meet at school, you have school in common. The best relationships are those where the initial purpose of the initial contact is not to explicitly date.

When you go to a dance and meet someone, the initial contact is because you are both at the dance . . . to do what . . .to dance. Oh and IF you happen to meet someone you connect with, that's great too. When you go to a dance, you can always tell the ones who went to the dance with the INTENT of hooking up with someone-and that generally doesn't go so well for marriage prospects.

So dating apps, suffer from that fatal flaw. The primary purpose of being on the same app is explicitly "to date". It's an unnatural mechanism to meet people. This isn't to say that "matchmakers" do not work-they do. But it is way different when a third party is setting you up on a date with someone vs. you going to a market place to self-select yourself.

Good points.
It’s more staged, artificial, & there is less of the (necessary?) risks of rejection that may help each appreciate “winning” the other over in dating.

God would be the best match maker.

[randyps]

"God would be the best match maker."

God is isolated into religions and sects. A Catholic would less likely seek to date/marry a Jehovah witness or Mormon.
Which is one of the reasons why it dissapoints me why many on here bash Mormonism and want it to crumble, can you atleast leave it alone so that our youth can find love (while finding God)?

Me and my wife served missions and married in the temple, 10yrs later when our kids were in elementary school she left the church, called it a cult..all the leaders evil...took our 3 daughters and taught them the evil of Mormonism.

Now my daughters are in high school and the oldest in college. When thinking of social scenes for my oldest she mentions going to singles ward and attending all the local church activities for young adults as wholesome activities for her to socialize and possibly meet a potential suitor (the exact same things she grew up doing).

I always told my wife to leave the church quietly, dont project your hatred on anyone else, those are your own experiences and opinions. She took the kids down that road with her and for that she is a certified dumbass.

[FoxMammaWisdom]

I refuse to use one.

Come on man.

[Gadianton Slayer]

I refuse to use one.

Come on man.

[madvin]

Part of the overall plan for us... to create a trap ... a dystopian matrix...of our own making .

The Slayer and Duke have the right idea.

[WikiUp]

Was sitting in my cabin loft, lonely, listening the the wind blow, watching the snow flakes fly, 70 year old widower.

Signed onto Match.com and posted a very very very honest and forthright profile. Only wanted friendship. Nothing more.

A 65 year old just returned RM, 20 year divorcee, retired military PhD in another State said interested. We talked on the phone a couple of times. She had some house problems, so I assisted.

Now temple married for 5 years. She says she loves me. Wants to be with me forever, in spite of my some times bull headedness.

She says we met the old fashion way, on the internet.

Life is good --- most of the time.

[BuriedTartaria]

Was sitting in my cabin loft, lonely, listening the the wind blow, watching the snow flakes fly, 70 year old widower.

Signed onto Match.com and posted a very very very honest and forthright profile. Only wanted friendship. Nothing more.

A 65 year old just returned RM, 20 year divorcee, retired military PhD in another State said interested. We talked on the phone a couple of times. She had some house problems, so I assisted.

Now temple married for 5 years. She says she loves me. Wants to be with me forever, in spite of my some times bull headedness.

She says we met the old fashion way, on the internet.

Life is good --- most of the time.

Thanks for sharing your story. I said multiple times in this thread I'm not shaming anyone for finding love through an online dating service nor saying good things haven't occurred from them. I also included a story about a friend of mine who's mother is widowed and was able to re-marry by finding someone through an LDS-focused dating app. I should have stressed more that the concerns I'm raising are more targeted at people in their 20s, 30s and 40s that seem to need an online app for finding love, making friends and then making married friends once they're married as their main option for achieving any of those sort of connections.

When you look at this trend, it looks like either people are having addictions to the hunting and matching aspect of dating/friend-making apps and/or the addiction/reliance of it has stifled the ability of people in that age group to embrace people they interact with in-person through the activities their daily walk of life puts them through. As Spiritman said, it's a very unnatural way to meet people, too much choice/options, everything feels fleeting or has a lack of import to it, little commitment to these connections.

A devout LDS individual in their 60s+ who maybe lives outside of Utah and has few options in their ward who is specifically looking for another devout LDS? Yeah, an online dating tool makes sense. Devout to a very small LDS break off group or some other niche religious group and looking for someone who is also devout to that small group? Some sort of online networking for such a small amount of people makes sense. I knew a girl in her 20s in a difficult family and financial situation. With her particular limitations and commitments to taking care of a family member, it was hard for her to get out and be involved with things. She carried a sense of embarrassment in her daily life. Using online dating and similar tools made a lot of sense in her situation to try and make some friends and possibly find love. I was very close to her. Her situation killed me and taught me a lot about selflessness and empathy. By a miracle of God, her situation did improve and she actually did get married. I was absolutely floored. God is a God of miracles and the effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous heart availeth much.


Moving away from situations like that, being in your 20s/30s/40s, having a job, working on school, open to different perspectives? Why not just put the phone down, embrace the things going on around you and see what you may find?


Case in point, I've gotten to know an amazing Christian-ish woman through volunteering. She has a boyfriend (she lights up when she talks about him, so I like to talk to her about things they do together and how he is doing, it's very tender and inspirational to see, I love it) so she's not an option, but she has shown me that wonderful people are out there in Utah who aren't LDS but are awake to what is going on in the world and they have a ton to offer. She is probably one of the neatest girls I have ever met in my life. That came from helping out a facility (that does good work for the community) in need of volunteers and I find it infinitely more rewarding getting involved in the world around me rather than swiping right to "make friends" or "find love". Because I'm young-ish and don't fall under a niche where I have some big limitation that pulls me away from that sort of thing (looking for chances/opportunities to do something in the community). I will never find a girl who views Mormonism, Christianity, history and the world the exact same way I do. So I decided to stop trying to find that. I'm open to trying with someone with different views/beliefs but shared values that I feel that kind of chemistry, that kind of energy you get when you're around someone who stirs up something in your soul.


If social media maintains real friendships then there shouldn't be that high of a demand for a married version of tinder to help married couples meet and form friendships with other married couples (people should have and know married friends from all the friends they have on facebook/insta which is SUPPOSED to allow people to maintain friendships), which was one of the things that sparked this thread. There is an over-reliance on apps to satisfy the social happiness we understandably crave. I don't think they satisfy our desire to have a healthy role in society very well. If they did, why does someone need a facebook account, a twitter account, an instagram account, a snap chat account, a tik tok account, that new one (be real? Something like that), and then an app for freaking helping married couples form friendships with other married couples. This is too much. This is a clown society and a clown world.



The search for community in the US was a growing problem in the 90s and has only become a bigger problem.

[Niemand]

Dating apps are full of such honeys as these.



Since I'm not robosexual I'm not much interested.

[GeeR]

Today is my wife's and mine's 49th wedding anniversary! Four children together with 14 grandchildren, we're still happy and love each other to pieces. The kicker however is that I have left the church when I found out that it was in the beginning true but has since become an apostate church but she still goes to church and believes by going to the temple that I will come back. We cannot discuss our differences, one argument lead her to conclude by telling me that we won't be sealed together as man and wife in the Celestial Kingdom together and I retorted that if I stay with Mormonism and end up in the Celestial Kingdom that she would end up being an abused, neglected and marginalized wife when I have a duty to procreate and spend quality time with all my other million wives with their needs. She didn't like that! I hope with time moving on and she sees the church becoming more WOKE all the time, it's just a matter of time before she unites again with me. I'm patient and counting the days.

[BuriedTartaria]

The search for community in the US was a growing problem in the 90s and has only become a bigger problem.

The Wall Street Journal: The price we pay for being less social; "...time spent talking to other people... has been in decline for nearly 30 years... we are falling further and further away from one another"

I question if our reliance on the apps and social media I've mentioned in this thread are productive at combating this problem; the break down of societal capital (meaningful connections). I know people are lonely. So turning on tinder or mutual is an easy way that works around schedules to attempt to connect to someone. With facebook we can "stay in touch" with people we've known throughout life, but generally how meaningful is that "staying in touch"? And when you're someone with hundreds/thousands of FB/insta friends, were those connections that meaningful that you need to stay in contact with most of them?

I see a clear break down in connected communities, which causes isolation and loneliness and makes it hard for many to find love and find long-lasting friends. So I understand the pull of dating apps and social media to attempt to address these issues, but I don't think they adequately address the core problem. I think they are relied on so much to address the problem that taking advantage of in-person friendship and community building is left unattended (and when people have opportunities to engage in these things, they're unprepared because they live their lives on their phones and fixing their hopes on unfulfilling digital social interaction, they struggle making the most out of in-person life) and I theorize that it's the in-person relationship building and community embracing that is the better and more real solution to addressing the isolation and lack of community rather than swiping right endlessly and racking up hundreds/thousands of facebook/insta friends.


I know in my heart that with the spirit of God and righteousness being in greater abundance there is a healthier world out there.

Today is my wife's and mine's 49th wedding anniversary! Four children together with 14 grandchildren, we're still happy and love each other to pieces. The kicker however is that I have left the church when I found out that it was in the beginning true but has since become an apostate church but she still goes to church and believes by going to the temple that I will come back. We cannot discuss our differences, one argument lead her to conclude by telling me that we won't be sealed together as man and wife in the Celestial Kingdom together and I retorted that if I stay with Mormonism and end up in the Celestial Kingdom that she would end up being an abused, neglected and marginalized wife when I have a duty to procreate and spend quality time with all my other million wives with their needs. She didn't like that! I hope with time moving on and she sees the church becoming more WOKE all the time, it's just a matter of time before she unites again with me. I'm patient and counting the days.

I am so sorry. Relationships suffer at the misunderstandings and lies built around Mormonism (false traditions, conspiracy, the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon becoming affixed to the truth of something that in my opinion has clearly turned into essentially priestcraft at this point). What you are living is a problem that will become more common; spouses that were once united in the claims of the LDS church with one breaking away from those claims. Traditionally when one broke from those claims, they abandoned everything relating to Mormonism (like having a belief in the Book of Mormon). It was easy for the faithful spouse to cut off the non-faithful spouse, how could one once so enlightened abandon their belief in the church? That would mean abandoning faith in the beautiful Book of Mormon. Now we're going to see a growing amount of people maintaining a belief in the Book of Mormon but not feeling all-in on the truth claims of the LDS church. This problem isn't going to go away. I'm sorry for this situation you are in. God is working a work. It will cause sincere sacrifice, growing pains and be uncomfortable but we can be certain it will be worth it in the long-term

[Cruiserdude]

Today is my wife's and mine's 49th wedding anniversary! Four children together with 14 grandchildren, we're still happy and love each other to pieces. The kicker however is that I have left the church when I found out that it was in the beginning true but has since become an apostate church but she still goes to church and believes by going to the temple that I will come back. We cannot discuss our differences, one argument lead her to conclude by telling me that we won't be sealed together as man and wife in the Celestial Kingdom together and I retorted that if I stay with Mormonism and end up in the Celestial Kingdom that she would end up being an abused, neglected and marginalized wife when I have a duty to procreate and spend quality time with all my other million wives with their needs. She didn't like that! I hope with time moving on and she sees the church becoming more WOKE all the time, it's just a matter of time before she unites again with me. I'm patient and counting the days.

49 years?! That's incredible in today's world! Congrats hermano

[David13]

I don't know if it's an addiction, or they just use them. I only used them once and that was it. And it was of no use to me.

Some others use them once and find a life long partner(?).

Here is a story of one other problem. It is on Coffeehouse Crime, which I watch all the time, well, once a week when they have a new episode.

[inho]

A devout LDS individual in their 60s+ who maybe lives outside of Utah and has few options in their ward who is specifically looking for another devout LDS? Yeah, an online dating tool makes sense. Devout to a very small LDS break off group or some other niche religious group and looking for someone who is also devout to that small group? Some sort of online networking for such a small amount of people makes sense.

LDS is very small religion in most parts of the world (i.e., where most of the members live). Thus the dating pool is very small. I would totally understand the use of Mutual app or some other Mormon online dating service anywhere outside Utah. However, I don't actually personally know anyone who met their spouse like that.

Since the dating pool is often small, I am a bit afraid that people make bad decisions. Making the religion as the most important criteria might lead one to choose someone who is not the best match in regards to the other criteria. Thus what you said here, is wise:

I will never find a girl who views Mormonism, Christianity, history and the world the exact same way I do. So I decided to stop trying to find that. I'm open to trying with someone with different views/beliefs but shared values that I feel that kind of chemistry, that kind of energy you get when you're around someone who stirs up something in your soul.